Things Never Spoken
by Zyephen
Summary: Beautiful Rukia. His hope and his curse. His cure and his poison. Dying for her… would not be hard for him, but living without her was certainly an impossible task. Renji/Rukia-Ichigo/Rukia Angst,Tort,Violence,N/C
1. Things Never Spoken

**Chapter 1**

"Oy, Rukia" came Renji's robust voice as he sat outside in the warm sunlight, lazily draped over the porch guard rail.

"Hm?" the petite girl replied as she sat inside at the short table, writing some report papers as she listened to her former childhood friend from across the way.

"I got a new assignment comin' up tomorrow. I'm gonna be goin' out to investigate around the Devari Canyon. The activity seems to be getting worse, and Taichou says they wanted to send an officer out with a team to do a thorough search, so I told him I'd do it. Could be dangerous." he said as looked at her from over his shoulder, while his long legs dangled over the side of the porch.

Rukia flipped a paper over, reading a bit as Renji talked her ear off. "Ah, you should have fun then." she muttered as she began writing again.

"Yeah, if I'm lucky." he smiled, "I'll probably be gone for a while, You wanna like… I dunno, go grab a bite and hang out later? Seems like we never hang out 'nemore." he added, almost desperately.

Rukia stopped writing her report and turned to look at him with a small frown on her face, "Sorry Renji, I have too much to do today. I'm a little behind since I've been at Ichigo's this week."

Renji's eyes turned to the ground and he nodded, "Ah, It's understandable. Don't worry about it then. I mean there's always next time." He said with a dejected smile, before turning back to his former position.

"Mm, definitely next time, though." she replied, feeling a little guilty.

... ... ...

It was two weeks and Rukia had just returned from Ichigo's, where the pair had had more fun than they had worked, much to her regret as she pondered over what to write in her next report. She was in a pleasant mood as she walked down the halls of the Kuchiki manor. She knew she owed Renji a day out for them to catch up, and she had to admit it had been nice falling back into his swing after so long.

It felt like they were kids again sometimes, and even though she would hardly describe her childhood as 'good times,' with Renji there, she'd never felt alone. When they'd parted ways so many years ago, she had felt so lonely. Byakuya, was hardly welcoming, and no one really spoke to her much, except the occasional servants. It had been hard then, even though she knew her future would be brighter. She was used to him being there when she was lonely, and suddenly there was no one. So she'd hardened her heart, and learned to deal on her own. When she was finally accepted in the thirteenth protection squad, under Ukitake-Taichou, she had already become independent, and the few times she'd seen Renji on assignments, they had become awkward… strangers almost.

Since the red-head had become Byakuya's vice-captain, however, he'd visited the manor often, and the pair had rekindled their somewhat forgotten friendship. When he'd helped save her from being executed, Rukia had been moved to know he still very-much felt their childhood bond; a bond she couldn't recall very well.

Well she knew Renji would probably be in the office with her brother, unless they'd been called out on assignment, but since the fire-haired vice captain had just volunteered on that last assignment she figured that wouldn't be the case.

As she reached the sixth squad's work office she knocked softly on the door, "Nii-sama, It's me." She called before she proceeded to enter, without waiting for a reply.

Byakuya looked up from his desk, pen stopped in mid-sentence as he laid eyes on the little shinigami, "Welcome home." he said distantly as he returned his eyes to his work.

Rukia glanced over at Renji's empty desk, making a puzzled face as she mused on where he might be. "Do you know where Renji is? We were going to go out and do something."

The dark-haired noble's demeanor changed ever so slightly at that instance, and he stopped writing and put the pen down, "Rukia," he started, the tone drawing her immediate attention, "You know he went on assignment 2 weeks ago."

She nodded, her eyes wide and mouth slightly ajar.

"I sent them to Devari Canyon, to investigate the appearance of some strange Hollow sightings along with several dead bodies. He was due back last Friday, but the squad did not report in as scheduled. So I sent out a search party. They found the four men he took with him. They were all dead, most likely by a Hollow. Abarai was not with them, but they found, what was described to me as, a fair amount of his blood at the scene. That was 6 days ago. I'm afraid it's just a matter of time before they find…"

Rukia could not believe what she was hearing. "Renji…" she felt herself suddenly trembling and began to shake her head, "No." she heard herself say as the words echoed around her, "No. No. No." She repeated ever louder before tears began flooding her vision and her hands flew up to cover her face as her knees gave out from under her. "Renji! No, it's not true! No!" she cried, shaking her head vigorously.

Byakuya got to his feet and went to her side, feeling somewhat distressed at seeing the usually composed girl so hysterical. As he knelt beside her and placed a hand on her back, she flung herself into his chest, arms huddled against her body and hands shielding her face as she sobbed loudly. Byakuya wore an obvious frown on his features as he looked down at her and rubbed her quivering back gently. "I'm sorry, Rukia… I… didn't realize you were so close to him." he muttered at a loss.

"Ren…ji" she repeated as she burrowed her face further into her adopted brother's haori.

It was at that time Ukitake arrived at the office doorway and was startled to see his little Rukia sobbing her heart out on Byakuya's chest. He frowned and lowered his gaze, not willing to speak just yet.

Rukia found herself suddenly being dragged to her feet, with her brother's impassive voice ringing in her ears again, "Come Rukia, get up off the floor." His strong hand clamped onto her bicep as he lifted her up and straightened her out.

Rukia's breaths came shakily as she tried to inhale with her quivering diaphragm. Both men stood quietly in her presence for a moment until she had quieted enough to speak, "I…I-mmm.." she struggled to speak, "I'm g-going to go to my r-room… f-for a bit…"

Byakuya nodded and patted her back once more before she finally shuffled out, passing by a concerned Ukitake as she left.

The sixth squad captain wasted no time in changing the subject, however, "The search parties returned intact, I assume." He said flatly, walking back to his desk.

Ukitake's eyes followed the composed captain despondently, "Ah… They didn't find anything."

Byakuya let a soft sigh escape as he folded his hands and rested his forehead against his interlocked fingers.

The thirteenth captain spoke softly, "Some of the other captains offered to send a team out if you-"

"No" Byakuya cut him off, "I've lost four men and a vice captain. Sending more out when we still don't know what did this is the work of a fool." he lowered his hands then and looked up at the older man before him, "Call it off."

Ukitake pursed his lips and frowned, "Are you sure?"

"There's no hope of finding him alive at this point. It's been over a week with a dire wound." He said as he stared ahead at nothing in particular and breathed steadily in thought, "I should have gone…" he finally uttered in guilt.

The sickly captain shook his head, "You couldn't have known." he turned then and started to walk out, "I'll go inform the others of your decision."

... ... ...

Another week, and Rukia had been fairly reclusive toward everyone. Even Byakuya had found himself shunned, but he gave her her space, knowing she was in the process of mourning. It was on that day Ichigo came calling. He hadn't heard from the little shinigami in a while, and he came to check up on her, knowing nothing of the events that had taken place over the past couple weeks.

As the substitute shinigami walked down the somewhat foreign halls of the Kuchiki manor, it was not Rukia whom he found himself bumping into in the pristine hallways.

"What are you doing here?" came Byakuya's domineering voice.

Ichigo went rigid with surprise, "Gah! Byakuya, ah.. Jeeze, give a guy a heart attack, will ya?"

The sixth squad captain narrowed his deriding eyes and pursed his lips at the spiky-haired young boy at hearing his name spoken in such familiarity. "Hn."

"Ah I just came to see Rukia. She usually drops by , but I guess she's been busy lately… She around?" Ichigo asked innocently as he tried to avoid Byakuya's scornful gaze.

"I'd assume she's in her room, as she's barely left for the past two weeks." came the captain's reply, "Although I'd suggest you go home and leave her to her business."

Ichigo's eyes widened slightly, picking up on the older man's undertones. Something was very wrong, "What do you mean? What happened?"

The captain's displeased expression persisted as he turned away from the youth and walked away, "I mean it. Go home, Kurosaki."

The wide-eyed boy could not bring himself to follow the sixth squad captain's instructions after that. He knew something was up and he'd not been informed of it. Naturally he'd have to find out, cause Byakuya sure as hell wasn't going to tell him… ass that he was. He reached Rukia's quarters and knocked lightly.

"Leave me alone. I told you all I don't want anything! Just leave me alone! I just wanna be alone…" came a distressing sounding reply.

"Ah- Rukia, it's Ichigo. What's going on?" he called back, softly, since she sounded upset. He'd grown increasingly more worried as he barely pressed his ear to the sliding door. "You okay?"

"Ichigo…" came a small whisper and then the door was sliding open to reveal a rather un-kept appearing small girl. Her eyes were slightly red and puffy, her hair was a mess, and her clothes were wrinkled and disheveled over her small frame.

Ichigo observed her, mouth ajar in his shock, "You look like shit."

She exhaled sharply and her eyes narrowed before she turned away and climbed back into her well-used futon, where a few papers were strewn about, as well as a picture frame, face-down in the middle of the blankets.

The orange-haired shinigami meekly followed her in and shut the door behind him. "What happened?" he finally asked as he sat down beside her, seeing the grief in her dark pools.

Rukia seemed stone-faced for a moment but in a matter of minutes her lips grew tight and her eyes began to brim with tears. Ichigo felt immensely guilty as she began to sob softly into her palms. "He's… He's dead" She choked out, "Renji…"

... ... ...

Ichigo sat on the flight of stairs that led up to the main entrance to the manor. The sun had grown low in the sky and the clouds on the horizon were showing a brilliant purple and orange hue. The usually energetic shinigami was limp and slouched in gloominess. As Byakuya again discovered the boy he scowled in annoyance. " I told you to go home." he called at the boy's unguarded back.

The spiky-haired young man noticeably jumped and hurriedly used his sleeve to wipe his face before he turned to face the stoic captain. "Ah." he said as he got to his feet, " I think I will." He turned and began to descend the stairs when he stopped and turned back to the dark-haired captain once more, "Hey, Byakuya" he said.

The older man cringed again, the lack of proper title in his name forced an earnest glare upon his face, yet again.

"She's really hurting…" Ichigo stated gravely, "Even though she says she wants to be by herself… don't leave her alone too long… would ya?" He asked as he raised his eyes up to the ice-hearted man at the top of the stairs.

Byakuya's expression softened ever so slightly before he gave a brief nod.

... ... ...

As the comforting dark haze slowly ebbed away crimson eyes slid open. The viscous copper flavor in his mouth was less noticeable than the dryness that tightened his throat and cracked his tongue. How long had it been he'd been chained up in this hell hole. He didn't know. All he knew was that he hurt. Everything hurt… His left arm was badly broken just below the elbow, and his abdomen look like a pack of dogs had chewed on him for a while, and his back displayed a colorful pattern of deep lashes. The ground under his abused knees was heavily stained with blood but all the while all he could think of was a glass of water.

The door in front of him swung open with a screech, allowing the painfully white light to spill in and attack his eyes. He could see movement, but he was too weak and disoriented to comprehend anything that was happening. Something touched his chin and he felt his head being drawn up to face the shadowy figures that loomed over him. He cringed as his dazed mind suddenly anticipated more fiendish torture… something he didn't think he could make it through again.

"Well Abarai-san you look significantly less enthusiastic today. Did our sessions clear up that disobliging problem of yours?" Another figure came close ,but Renji couldn't see them clearly. "Well then shall we get started. I don't think he'll be any trouble for you this time." the man said as he dropped the battered man's head unsympathetically. Renji felt his body snap at the sudden weight drop and whimpered despite himself.

"Ah yes. It should be fine. Here's the drug, sir."

"Excellent"

"Isn't it a waste to use it on someone's whose in such a condition?"

"Hm. It makes little difference. If it works properly we should see something rather miraculous."

The haze began to grow ever so slightly as he hung there staring down at the stained ground. He felt a dull prick on the side of his neck as the men administered the drug, but he didn't react, feeling his consciousness slowly evaporating as the mystery liquid was pumped into his veins.

'_I don't wanna die here.'_


	2. The Will to Carry On

**Chapter 2**

As Renji hung from his malicious chains while the faceless men stood back and watched, he was ripped from his fog as his body suddenly began to ache with a searing internal heat. His eyes grew wide and his muscles began to tremble violently, straining his weeping injuries. He let forth a strangled gasp as the pain grew impossibly worse, and he suddenly couldn't find his breath against the thundering pulses.

The men who had given him the injection stood at a safe distance and watched through cold, calculating eyes; eyes that were as degrading as they were unsympathetic. Horrific screams echoed through the chamber as the men carefully studied the suffering subject before them.

Ultimately the hapless shinigami felt his over-worked nerves turn to ash under his skin, and suddenly blood began to rush from his mouth and nose as if someone had turned on a faucet. As his body shuddered and went limp, the shackles on his wrists held on to him with their sharp frozen hands. He sagged as his unseeing eyes stared down at the rippling pool before him, and suddenly there was nothing.

"Ridiculous. I was so sure it would work on him." Came a voice from the shadows.

"What happened? It didn't work?" came another.

"No. His body rejected it. How pathetic. Get rid of him then. Throw him somewhere the shinigami won't find his corpse. The last thing we need is more of them snooping around here." the first answered sounding fairly annoyed.

"Yes sir"

... ... ...

"Rukia."

Heavy lids slid open to the familiar deep voice of her adopted brother. Her azure pools looked up to see the usually indifferent man sitting on the edge of her futon with a slight crease in his brow. She seemed puzzled as to what he was doing there.

"Sit up." he said calmly.

Rukia did as he said, uncovering the picture frame that had somehow gotten buried under her blanket as she'd slept. She softly rubbed her eyes and as she opened them again she found Byakuya holding the frame and regarding it wistfully.

"Eat." he said as he placed the frame out of sight and positioned a tray of food in her lap.

"Nii-sama." she said somewhat surprised. She looked down at the food for a moment before a small frown found her face. "I'm really not-"

"Don't give me that. You haven't eaten in 2 days. Eat." He said dominantly,

She cringed as he scolded her, and then reluctantly picked up a piece of the meal he'd brought and put it to her mouth, though she found it difficult to eat.

Byakuya watched her for a moment before his dark eyes turned away, "It's not the end of the world, Rukia." He finally said, "I know it's hard, but you're only tormenting yourself by staying locked up in here with nothing but this picture. I think it's best if you put this away where you can't look at it anymore." he said calmly as he stood with the picture in hand.

"But-" she began.

"I know, Rukia!" he cut her off. "I know… but you can't move on like this. You've lost weight and you aren't taking care of yourself." He turned from her and began to leave, but paused at the doorway, "Eat your meal, then get dressed and go to Ukitake's office. You're going back on light duty… I'm going to hold onto this for now." he added as he held the picture frame securely in his hand.

Rukia frowned as her brother's form disappeared from her doorway and she turned back to look at the food tray. He was right. She had to try and move on… even if that meant she had to forget…

... ... ...

His eyes cracked open to the blinding sunlight that beamed down through the vegetation around him. His first thought was _'Am I alive?' _but a resurge of crippling pain answered that question right away. He turned his head and saw a plant-covered cliff-side that extended up several meters. Turning the other way he saw a twin cliff on that side of him, and in the middle he found himself in mind-numbing pain, and severely dehydrated, but alive somehow.

He'd been dropped down the cliff, he'd gathered, by the deep imprint in the thankfully muddy ground. Small leafy vegetation sprang up around him from the soft nourishing ground as he tried to roll over with a strained whimper. The plants were wet with dew and as he lay there incapacitated, he suddenly found himself licking the miniscule droplets off of the greenery like a man possessed. The amount of moisture he sucked from the plants was barely enough to sate a rat, much less a man Renji's size. After a time of laying there wondering if he was dying or not, he somehow got to his feet. His legs trembled violently under his weight, and he panted lightly as the pain tore through his muscles with a vengeance, but he managed to stay upright long enough to take a step. Then another. And another. He began to walk slowly. The soft earth sucked his shoes in, making walking even more difficult than it already was, but after some minutes the ground evened out and became suitably firm. He didn't know where he was, or where he was going, but he was alive… and oddly enough he saw her smiling face in his deranged mind.

"Rukia…"

He must have walked for a good hour before his senses began to pick up a glorious sound. The sound of water flowing. He stumbled as he tried to walk faster, but did not fall. It was moments before he laid eyes on the sHollow river and he fell to his knees as he reached the sloped embankment. Crawling on his broken arm earned him a quick reminder of it's current status, which he quickly adjusted for. Rocks protruded, jagged and irregular against his torn shoes, and he felt one slip off as he crawled his way to the water's edge. Finally reaching it, he all but dunking his head in. He drank. The cold water was like a blessing against his parched throat, and he continued to drink until he felt a wave of nausea roll across his stomach.

As he sat back from the water and attempted to stand again, he felt his body rebelling in more ways than one. His legs grew shaky and he stumbled into the slowly moving water. Underwater the rocks were merciless and uneven and he finally lost his footing altogether as he fell on a sandy isle that barely surfaced in the middle of the river. As he landed halfway on the tiny island, his nausea surged full force and he felt all the water he'd drank erupt out of him like a geyser. He lay there now, with his cheek pressed in the sand staring at the blood-laced water that slowly drained into the river. He felt his strength leaving him, along with his resolve as he coughed up more red blood onto the golden sand.

'_Maybe this isn't such a bad place to die…' _he thought as he lay watching the gently moving water in front of his eyes. _'Fuck… I'm sorry… Rukia…'_

... ... ...

As children played by the water's edge they were blissfully unaware of anything outside of their merry games. But as they ran further downstream the eldest boy grew startled as he saw the lifeless body half submerged in the middle of the water. "A body!" he shouted and all the other children jumped in alarm.

... ... ...

"Excuse me, Taichou."

Standing in the well kept yard Byakuya looked up from his zanbakutou, somewhat annoyed at the intrusion, but tolerant. He sheathed his sword and turned to face the deeply bowing shinigami who'd been his assistant since his vice-captain's death.

"Sir. We believe they've found Abarai-fuku-taichou's body." he said, never taking his head up from its' bow. "They're sending a team out as we speak."

The captain absorbed for a moment before he nodded, "Very well.. Thank you for informing me."

... ... ...

"This way! It's over there" came the child's troubled voice as he pointed from the safety of the bank.

The team of shinigami arrived at the water's edge near Renji's abused body and Matsumoto was the first to recognize the familiar man. She frowned deeply, seeing the blood-stained figure and had to turn away in her upset. "It's him." she said as she turned away and took a moment to cover the distressed expression on her face.

As the team of men moved to gather the body, one on the men halted the rest, "Wait! Wait!" he shouted as he stood in front of the bloodied body of a man he'd once respected.

Renji's breathing was so sHollow, even a baby's breath was heavier, but breathing he was. "He's. not dead."

"What?" Matsumoto shouted in disbelief as she again looked at the man's mangled form. She couldn't see any signs of life.

"It's true, Matsumoto-Fuku-Taichou. He's still breathing! Quickly we need to get him back. Maybe we can still save him!" the young man shouted in earnest.

"Renji." Matsumoto gasped suddenly frightened for the rapidly dying flame that was her friend.

... ... ...

Unohana-taichou rushed out to meet the critical arrival, with Isane at her heels. "Oh my goodness." she cried as the team quickly rushed him to the forth squad critical unit "Quickly, inside." They wasted no time in starting to tend his dramatic injuries.

Renji's eyes fluttered open periodically and a whispered name repeatedly escaped his bloody lips. "Ru…ki…a…" He couldn't tell where he was, or what was happening to him. All he knew was that figures were swarming him and he was probably dying… maybe they were eating him and he had already died… He couldn't feel his body. The only thing he could feel was the want for the petite girl who'd made her home in his coward of a heart.

... ... ...

"Taichou!" The young man rushed in out of breath, without so much as knocking, "He's alive!"

Byakuya's eyes immediately went stark-wide and he stood, dropping his forgotten pen to the desk.

"He's in the fourth squad barracks now." he croaked out as he leaned heavily on his knees while he caught his breath.

The sixth squad captain quickly moved to leave his office. His formerly peaceful demeanor shattered by the unexpected news. He quickly arrived at the fourth squad barracks and found his gravely injured vice-captain being urgently attended to by Unohana and her squad.

Byakuya stood back from the foot of the bed and stared down at the bloodied face of his vice-captain in disbelief. He'd gathered from the medic's conversation that Renji was perhaps in his final moments, but he spoke despite this knowledge, "Is he going to live." His voice came out as calm and collected as ever..

Unohana worked diligently on the man's dire wounds, and frowned as she heard the young captain's question, but did not answer him.

A young woman came to stand beside him and spoke gently, "I'm sorry, Kuchiki-Taichou. I'm afraid it's too difficult to tell at this point, but it's highly possible he will not make it. His injuries are grave."

As if to punctuate her point, Renji gagged suddenly and blood steadily trickled out of the corners of his mouth while the medical team frenzied around him, shouting and anxious. "Ru…kia.." he breathed haggardly as a pale, trembling hand reached out in desperation.

Byakuya stepped closer, looking down on the man with expressionless eyes. "I'm sorry, Renji." he whispered as Renji's eyes met his, and for a moment they didn't falter. Inevitably, Byakuya stepped back and turned away, leaving the red-haired shinigami to his fate. Keeping this from Rukia would be for the best. She would be able to move on easier if she didn't have the lasting image of his pitiable eyes burned into her memory.

... ... ...

Rukia had just returned home, and was feeling much better after her captain had worked so vigorously to cheer her up during the day. She softly hugged the Chappy stuffed doll he'd given her before she'd left. It was a kind gesture she'd expect from Ukitake-Taichou, but he'd really done more than that. Sitting, talking with her, and rubbing her back when she needed it was very relieving to her tired heart, and she was thankful she had such a benevolent man for her captain.

As she headed to take a quick bath before probably heading to bed, she passed the sixth squad office and paused at the wide open door, looking in to see her brother absent. It was unusual to see the door left open without him being inside and she idly walked in. Her eyes wondered to the empty desk that used to be Renji's and she approached it without thinking. His desk was relatively messy, despite all the paperwork being previously removed. She saw an open pack of cigarettes stashed near the corner and tilted her head. Since when had he smoked? The desk drawer was ajar slightly and she slowly pulled it out the rest of the way, eyes widening a tiny bit as she saw a familiar photograph laying atop everything else. The same one she'd been holding so close all week.

She felt her lip begin to quiver and quickly she shut the drawer then rapidly rubbed her face, giving her cheeks a small slap at the end as she tried to distract herself from crying again. She sighed before quickly leaving the office and closing the door. As she turned to continue down the hall she jumped in surprise to see Byakuya standing behind her.

"Nii-sama! Oh, you scared me." she said holding a hand over her chest.

"Apologies." he muttered as he diverted his eyes and walked on past.

... ... ...

"Good morning, Rukia-chan." Ukitake said with a gentle smile as she entered his office. "I'm a little surprised to see you here today."

Rukia smiled sadly, "Mm. I think I'm getting better finally."

The thirteenth squad captain looked at her a little confused, "Better? I just thought you would probably be with the fourth squad today. You don't have to come in at a time like this, Rukia."

The little shinigami regarded her captain in utter puzzlement, "What do you mean?"

Ukitake's brow furrowed, "You poor dear, didn't Byakuya tell you?" When Rukia's silence continued he presumed he was correct, "We found Abarai-Fuku-Taichou alive yesterday. He's in dire condition in the fourth squad's critical unit."

Wide azure eyes stared in disbelief for a moment as the words sunk in, "Alive…" she whispered. She bolted out the door before anything else could be said, making a b-line for the fourth squad's barracks.

... ... ...

"Renji!" She cried as she was stopped at the entrance to the critical ward, "Please where is he? Let me see him!"

Isane tried to calm the frantic girl as she barged in quite unannounced, "Rukia-sama, please calm down."

"I want to see him." Rukia said with tears brimming her eyes as she tried to keep herself calm for her own sake.

Isane sighed and nodded, "Fine, but he's really not well at all. We were up all night working on him, "She said as she began to lead the dwarfed girl to Renji's bedside, "He's a tough customer, a real fighter, but… there's really no guarantee at this point, Rukia-sama, please understand that."

Rukia nodded to the tall woman's back, understanding that this might only be an opportunity to tell him goodbye… but that was more than she could have asked for last week.

Isane stopped and gestured for Rukia to enter the small closed off area reserved for the red-headed vice captain. Rukia entered hesitantly, and her mouth fell open as she laid eyes on the familiar figure. She approached his bedside and looked worryingly upon his sleeping face. The medical team had attempted to clean him up a little, but dried blood was still generously present over his form. "Oh…Renji." she said softly as she reached to move his usually bound crimson locks from his cheek, but stopped midway to his face.

"It's okay, Rukia-sama. You can touch him. I'm sure he'd like that." Isane said encouragingly from the doorway.

The small girl swallowed as she finished the distance and brushed the slightly matted hair from his face, letting her hand stroke gently over his head. She let her fingers run through his hair softly as she looked down at his body. His shinigami uniform hung, shredded, from the sides of the hospital bed, trapped under his weight. A blanket and bandages covered most of him, but the ghostly-pale skin that was exposed was well-bruised and scratched. Bloodied stains on the pillow and sheet, was testament enough to the battle the medical team had gone through last night.

Weary, scarlet orbs became visible as soothing fingers continued through his hair, coaxing his eyes to open. Her name rolled off his lips and he saw her perfect face, creased in sadness, smile at him.

"Hey." she said as tears spilled unyieldingly down her face.

"Hey." he replied smiling up at her in a blissfully forgotten body. He rolled his palm over and opened it, and was happy to feel her warm hand clasp over his fingers. "Stupid. Why're you cryin' over me…" he said hoarsely.

Rukia sniffled loudly as she tried to hold it in. "Because. You're so pathetic right now. You better not die, Renji."

His eyelids felt so heavy while he watched his best friend's concerned visage, and his resolve resurfaced as he felt her warm tears drip onto his cheek, "If I was gonna die… I'da done it a long time ago… woulda been less of a hassle." he added jokingly as he offered her a smile and squeezed her hand.

Rukia smiled back at him through the dampness on her face, the first true smile she'd showed since the events had first unfurled. She lowered her head and hid her face in the nape of his neck, careful not to aggravate his injuries, and he closed his eyes in contentment as he felt her soft hair brush his cheek.

Isane smiled at the pair and stepped out of the room, feeling a little more confident in the young vice captain's will to live. _'I think he just might make it, after all.'_


	3. Losing Me

**Chapter 3**

It had been almost 2 weeks, and with Rukia at his side, Renji had found the strength to live. He had gotten frequent visits from many of his worried friends, like Matsumoto, Ikkaku, Hinamori, and Kira as well, and with every passing day he grew stronger. He was still sore, but compared to the agony when he first came in, he felt like a million bucks.

He sat on the side of the bed, feet dangling over the side, as Unohana did her examination. His skin was still marred by the healing scabs, but with continued treatment, the fourth squad captain assured him that most of them would probably not even leave scars. She seemed to pride herself on her exceptional healing skills, and Renji was thankful that her only interest was making him better… She was a rather frightening woman, especially to a cripple. As the medical captain examined him he didn't notice Rukia entering the room at his back.

She remained quietly observing from the doorway, seeming quite amused at Renji's seeming embarrassment when the female medic told him to drop his drawers. He grumbled and stood up from the bed, doing as he was told. Unohana felt around, in certain unmentionable places and he turned his head and coughed. When the medic stood up and gave him a brief verbal synopsis, Renji seemed pleased and took his queue to redress himself as Unohana nodded politely to the small girl as she exited.

Rukia had an thoughtful grin as she watched Renji kick the hospital clothes across the floor and snap up the shinigami uniform he'd been anticipating all week. As he bent to get dressed Rukia saw her golden opportunity and bolted in with a sudden pitter-patter of feet. Renji's only reaction was to screech in horror as a hard slap flew across his bare ass just before he tripped in the tangle of his hakama and laid eyes on Rukia posed in a victory stance, laughing. "BWA HA HA!"

The wide-eyed red-head covered up as he tried to untangle himself, cursing bloody murder, "GAWD DAMN IT, RUKIA! Do you enjoy tormenting the injured?"

"Gosh Renji, you need to get a tan on that pasty white ass of yours! Ha ha ha!" She teased as he righted himself, and held his pants up in front of him.

"Yeah Yeah! Real slick, now get outta here so's I can get dressed," he grumbled as he shooed her out with his free hand.

... ... ...

He was released from the hospital and dressed in a new uniform, and looked pretty sharp. As he walked down a porch heading toward the sixth squad, Rukia at his side, he was feeling better than ever, and the calls and woots coming from the lower recruits only made his pride swell. He glanced down at the small girl at his side and she, in turn, looked up at him, noticing he had lost a bit of weight since the last time she recalled him standing over her.

"What?" she said seeming annoyed.

He just smiled down at her and shook his head, "Nothin' really. Good to be back I suppose."

Rukia smiled up at him and looked back to the fore, idly grabbing his sleeve as they walked, as she'd sometimes done when they were children. Before they'd reached the sixth squad office they ran into Byakuya on the porch, and Rukia let go of her friend's sleeve as she trotted to him with a wide smile, "Nii-sama, looks whose out of bed."

Renji couldn't help feeling uneasy as his respected captain's merciless eyes fell upon him. He smiled briefly before he looked away, scratching his neck awkwardly. "Ah… and I'm looking forward to getting back to work."

Byakuya nodded and turned from the two, "You still have a lot of recovering to do, Renji."

The vice captain winced at the almost scornfully false kindness leaking from his captain voice. He supposed Byakuya was disappointed in him for ending up in such a state. His captain had not visited him even once during his hospital stay, and even though he knew the man didn't care for him, still it was a blow to the gut, when your own captain won't at least send you a get-well card.

... ... ...

Seeing his home quarters for the first time in a month was bliss in some strange way. He didn't ever really like the place before, but well, home is home.

Rukia scoffed as she walked in behind him, "Geeze Renji, didn't you even clean up before you left, this is gross."

Renji shrugged and flopped down on the floor, sprawling out on a slightly smelly pillow. "I was at your place before I left, remember?" he muttered as he made a face and sniffed the pillow in accusation.

Rukia frowned, "About that… I'm really sorry I just sorta brushed you off. I mean I-"

"Don't worry about it, Rukia. You were working, and I was being a pest. It's natural, right?" he said, interrupting her before she could finish.

"Yeah but… It hurt that that was the last conversation I had with you… I don't want to ever feel like that again…" she muttered bowing her head in regret.

"Oy," he said as he sat up from the floor, and got to his feet, "Don't get all bent outta shape. It all turned out okay in the end, din't it? I'm here now." Renji said as he put a hand on her shoulder, feeling a twang of unnamable feelings swirling in him as he touched her. He brushed it off as butterflies, but that wasn't exactly it.

Rukia looked up at him, her night-sky eyes slightly sad as they looked into his blood-red ones, "Just… remind me sometimes, Renji," she spoke softly, "not to become to complacent."

Renji watched her tender lips as she spoke, and nodded in reply, alternately, growing somewhat concerned over the swirling in is chest… and why her perfect mouth was leading is mind in the gutter.

"Anyone home?" came a familiar voice and when she turned to see the owner of the masculine voice, Renji lowered his hand from her shoulder, and suddenly he felt normal again. He puzzled for a minute over the oddity of that feeling before he realized Ichigo was in front of him.

"Ah! Yo!" He said as he smiled his flashy animal grin at the boy, "Been a while, Ichigo" he said slapping his palm down into the boy's boney hand. They shook, let go and stepped back, while Rukia looked on smiling a little at their reunion.

"I'd say that's a pretty nice handshake for a dead man." the orange-haired shinigami said grinning.

"Ha, did ya think I'd roll over and die and let ya sneak more peeks of Rukia in her bunny underwear?" He laughed, but was distracted when Rukia gave a curt _'WHAT?'_

"_Ops she's right there, ain't she?" he said scratching his head, as Ichigo began to resemble a sunburned chameleon._

"_Anyways," the young man started, "Sorry I didn't come sooner. I just wanted to come say 'hi.' You gave us all a good scare, you know." he said looking at the taller man._

"_Yeh. Sorry about that." Renji said glumly._

"_Well I've gotta run., just wanted to check on you and see for myself. Urahara wants me to go find this weird Hollow-like reiatsu that's been bothering him, so… Seeya Renji, Rukia." he said before he dashed off._

_... ... ..._

_In the following week Renji started back on duty and was utterly swamped with paperwork… paperwork Byakuya seemed to be saving for him. It was better than going out and jumping around, when he was still recovering, he supposed. Byakuya had been absent from the office, however, as a team of three captains, Jyuushiro, Byakuya, and Soifon, had been formed to find Renji's assailants. He kind of wanted to go, but only because he had a craving for revenge. If they found the bastards who'd tortured him, he wanted to be there to beat the living shit out of them… but well that doesn't sound good trying to explain to your captain... so paperwork it was._

_He sat back from his desk and rolled his neck, giving it a hard rub with one hand, when he noticed Rukia standing near the open door. "Oy! How long ya been standin' there? Ya coulda said somethin'," he remarked as she approached him. _

"_Well you looked like you were working hard. I didn't want to distract you," she said in a teasing tone._

"_Meh." he replied as he pushed his chair back from the desk a bit._

_Rukia leaned on the corner of the desk closest to his side, "You hurting any?" she asked._

"_Ah, na I'm alright."_

"_Hm." she said as she stood up and walked to his back, where she proceeded to rub his shoulders. _

_The crimson-haired shinigami was surprised at first. It was unlike Rukia, but he couldn't deny that it was a nice strangeness. "Ain't you bein' nice today… What're you up to?" he said as chills rippled down his body._

"_Nothing much. You looked like you're neck was bothering you. I thought it might do you good." she replied, as she worked her fingers into the knots in his firm muscles. She didn't really know why she was doing this… she admitted to herself that she was perhaps acting a little funny… perhaps she was just assuring herself that he was still there through touch._

_Renji resisted the urge to groan. It was that same feeling again flooding back through him full force. Such an odd prickling feeling churning in his chest... Not necessarily a bad feeling, but foreign just the same. Was Rukia the one causing it? At times she made him feel embarrassingly horny, sure, but that wasn't it… was it? He really couldn't focus on anything. Her fingers felt like electricity fueling his inner turmoil, and he suddenly grew very fearful of himself._

_He abruptly jumped up out of the seat with an accompanying, "Whoa!" As soon as her fingers left him he felt the feeling diminish and disappear… how strange. "I think That's good for now. Thanks Rukia." he said with an awkward smile._

"_What?" she said picking up on his uneasiness, "What's goin' on with you? You get a hard on or something?" She said glowing at him._

_Renji bristled up like a bird in the snow, "Ha! From you? You think you're all that and a bag of chips, well, I got news!" he barked out._

_Rukia glared at him._

_His mind drew a complete blank as he attempted to come up with a witty comeback, "Y-… you're chips are off brand," He muttered._

_She elbowed him in the gut and walked away, "Idiot. I'm going to Ichigo's for the week. So don't get into any trouble while I'm gone."_

_Renji suppressed the frown that threatened him, "Mm. I'll try. See you when you get back then, Rukia." The red-head feigned indifference as the girl left his sight. He honestly hated Ichigo sometimes… not because he was unlikable, on the contrary, he quite enjoyed the boy's company. He hated him because the brat didn't know how blessed he was that Rukia enjoyed spending time with him as well. It hurt somewhere inside, because he'd felt like they were actually becoming closer since his incident, but now she was off again and he was again the one left missing her. _

_He sighed and told himself she'd be back soon and he was being unreasonable, but he couldn't help notice small changes in himself as of late. It was almost as if all the suppressed emotions pertaining to her were leaking out from an unseen hole. He'd always loved her… quietly from a distance, but he'd never felt his feelings surging within himself as strongly as they were now. Maybe it was a good thing she was leaving, as she was clearly the source of his torrid core. Perhaps by her return he would have gotten a sufficient amount of time to collect himself._

_... ... ..._

_As Renji slept, he was not sound. His dreams swam with blackness, sex, and blood, and he restlessly tossed and turned throughout the night. In sleep, however, he was blissfully unaware of the quivering in his chest. Ultimately his eyes shot open from the darkness of his nightmares, only to be met with the blackness of reality. He sat up from the damp futon mattress, his breath seemingly stolen somewhere in his dreams. For a long moment he panted and stared into nothing as his mind slowly caught up to his shock. He finally sighed and mechanically wiped the trickling sweat from his tattooed brow. _

_It was no where near morning, but as he sat there in a stupor, all remnants of anything resembling sleep had left him. He threw the covers from himself and got to his feet, deciding a bath would perhaps calm his nerves, if not at least make him feel less sticky from the sheen of sweat._

_The nightmares were getting worse…_

_... ... ..._

"_Ichigo-Kun" came Urahara's disgustingly familiar voice, "I'm really worried about this reiatsu. It's been steadily increasing according to my instruments. Look at the reading from last week compared to the reading from last night." he said as he handed the boy a paper with recorded data on it. _

"_Damn it. I know this! Look. I searched all the areas with readings and I couldn't find anything weird. I didn't even feel any kind of strange reiatsu! What else do you want me to do?" The boy protested as he dropped the paper on the table in front of him._

"_I don't know…Yoruichi-dono is the one giving me the readings from her end, but she has come up empty handed so far. I'm quite worried… this reiatsu is unusual in that it comes and goes rather sporadically. Can you just do another check tonight? It seems to surface more frequently at night." The shop-keeper asked humbly as he looked down at the orange-headed boy._

_Ichigo rolled his eyes, "You're being awful nice about it. Makes me kinda worried…"_

_Rukia walked in with a small bag full of merchandise just purchased from the store's front. "Hm, Urahara-san when did you get those new soul candies? I thought they weren't going to be on the market til late next month."_

"_Ah, Rukia-chan, I got a special deal on them. The only place to buy them, and they're quite popular already too." the shady man smiled at the petite woman, flicking his fan open._

_Rukia narrowed her eyes at the man, as if deciding if he was telling the truth or not, "I see…"_

_Urahara laughed charmingly before he set a small device down in front of Ichigo, "Here. Use this tonight, see if you can find anything with it."_

_... ... ..._

_As the substitute shinigami had prepared to leave for Soul Society, Rukia had fully intended to tag along, even though Ichigo had insisted that she didn't need to. As the pair was about to venture through the gate, however, Rukia had received an alert to a Hollow in the area. Ichigo went on with his previous plans in Soul Society while the small shinigami girl proceeded to exterminate the Hollow._

_Ichigo sighed now as he once again looked at the blank screen on the device Urahara had given him. "Fuck. How did I let him con me into this… again!"_

_... ... ..._

_Renji sat in the sixth squad office, although it was past the usual time he got off. He'd barely slept at all for the past 4 days, and as he stared across the room, lost in thought, he idly began to stroke his chest as the familiar feeling began to churn his insides. He didn't feel like himself, hadn't in days… he felt blank like something was stealing parts of him that used to be occupied. He felt Hollow and needy… needing to fill the infectious emptiness that was eating him from the inside._

"_Renji, what are you still doing here?"_

_Red eyes slowly turned to the somehow strange voice of his friend, dull and tired as they recognized the form of Matsumoto._

"_I just stopped by to drop this report off. I was going to do it earlier, but I got this new magazine that I had to read. You got a lot of work to finish or what? We can go grab a drink if you're done." the busty woman said as she laid the report file on Byakuya's desk and turned back to Renji, who was staring quietly at the doorway._

"_Renji? Are you okay? Something wrong?" The voluptuous woman asked slightly concerned._

"_Is Rukia back yet?" came a distant voice, Renji didn't really recognize._

"_Rukia?" Matsumoto repeated tilting her head in both puzzlement and concern as she edged closer to his desk._

_He looked at her, eyes unreadable and wrong, somehow, "Can you keep a secret?" he whispered._

_Matsumoto almost seemed stunned at his question, "Well... not really." She spoke honestly as she watched him, pondering gravely over his odd state._

"_Something is wrong…" he mumbled as he stared listlessly, "with me…" _

_Matsumoto frowned, clearly knowing this much already. She pulled the bandana from his head and felt his forehead with a cool hand. _

_Renji's eyes slid closed, eyelids flickering a if he was being jolted with electricity. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" he suddenly screamed as he nearly overturned his desk in a flurry of energy, causing a very concerned Matsumoto to jump back in surprise and shock._

"_Renji…" she said with wide, almost frightened eyes, while clutching a fist to her chest._

_The tattooed man's breath came swiftly as his eyes were now fixated on her, and abruptly he felt as if he was not himself anymore... as if it were someone else in his body while he could only watch. His eyes roamed down over the form of the curvy woman, and he felt his chest prickly like never before as he began to advance on her._

_The blond backed into a bookcase before she knew it and Renji was blocking her in with a frighteningly malicious presence. His reiatsu was reigning down around her in such a way that she felt herself trembling. What was going on? This wasn't the Renji she knew. "S-Stop it." she whispered as his hands came to rest on either side of her, "Stop it, Renji!"_

_The fiery-haired shinigami saw her fear, and his lust grew warm in the pit of his stomach. He smiled. "No." _


	4. Her Name

**Chapter 4**

A helpless sword sat partially impaled in the floor across the way, where it had been flung away from the woman's hands. Renji's dark eyes were a deadly black and gold as he held the hapless vice captain down and brutally raped her. She cried softly , unable to fight back, and in generous pain, she'd never felt as weak as she did in this moment. She could see the dismal abyss in her aggressor's eyes, and she understood what was happening as the ashen bone-like substance began to slowly overtake the right side of his face. Another cry of pain fell from her mouth as she felt his teeth sink into her tender breast followed by lapping at the flow of blood it caused.

... ... ...

Ichigo yawned as he sat on the covered porch of the building, the rain pouring down generously over the streets. He wondered for the thousandth time that night how he'd been conned into this. He laid back on the cool wood, trying to ignore the fact that his clothes were drenched and there was no sign of the rain letting up any time soon. Through the corner of his eye he saw the luminous screen from his tracking device brighten. His eyes widened a fraction and he sat up and brought the gadget closer to his face to examine the reading. He gave a smirk, "Hah! So there you are. I can finally get this shit started." He pocketed the device once he got his bearings on where he was headed and took off into the rain storm.

... ... ...

Matsumoto lay panting in agony as the sixth squad vice captain stood dazed, staring out at the rain. His eyes darted from side to side as he stared at the falling raindrops. The bloodied woman attempted to move, but quickly cringing in pain, she opted for dragging herself under Byakuya's empty desk, in hopes that perhaps she would be abandoned, and he would leave. She pulled her feet in close to her and watched Renji as he stood panting on the floor, facing the storm as if the rain were going to assault him. She whispered, pleading to whatever god that was listening , to just make him go away.

Renji cringed and slowly shook his head, "Not…" came his foreign voice, "Not enough. It's not enough!" he screamed, all but tearing the wall down as the sliding door, along with half a book shelf filled with books went careening across the room, causing Matsumoto to cower further under the desk.

"Rukia… Where is Rukia?" he muttered as his hand came up to the right side of his face and grasped the strange plate that had appeared there. He gasped in shock, but when his hand dropped back to his side and he spun around and his venomous eyes came to rest on Matsumoto again, she could see only the monster that had devoured him and left his shell… none of Renji remained in those eyes. She was afraid. He smiled, frightful and arrogant, before he suddenly left, and the bleeding, naked woman found she was alone.

... ... ...

Ichigo stopped as he glanced again at the small glowing screen in his hand. The indicator was on top of him. It was close. He looked around, although the rain accompanied with the dark night made it hard to see anything. There was an alley way to his left and he could feel the tingle of reiatsu radiating from it. He stepped towards it, "I know you're there. I'm sick of this hide and seek crap so why don't ya just get out here already."

He could see a tall shadowy figure stand and face him and he drew his weapon accordingly. As the figure stepped out from the alley, Ichigo gasped in shock and nearly dropped his sword. "Renji… What…"

The red-haired shinigami had eyes like coals as he stared at the boy in front of him. His mask had grown and now sported teeth, along with some crimson markings that suited Renji's aggressive style. "Hello, Ichigo," came a hoarse and callous sounding voice.

"What happened? Are you… are you okay?" The young man asked, worried for his friend's sanity.

Renji stared with blackened eyes as a smile suddenly grew on his lips as his hand gripped the hilt of Zabimaru, "Ichigo." He unsheathed the weapon and it immediately changed to shikai form. "I'm feeling a high tonight. Lets play."

"Don't let it con-" The substitute shinigami began, but was cut short by Renji's sudden assault as Zabimaru came crashing down, so close to Ichigo's body, his shirt was sliced clean open from shoulder to navel. His eyes were wide in disbelief at how fast the taller man had moved… he'd barely even been able to follow it before the weapon was careening down above him.

Renji cackled as the mask expanded over his visible eye, nearly complete. "Come on, Ichigo! Show me a fight." He said before he dashed forward again, in a very different fighting style than usual.

Ichigo blocked the older man's attacks but barely. He didn't want to fight Renji. He didn't want to hurt him, but as he was debating with himself on what his options were, he felt Zabimaru slide across his shoulder with four razor-edged prongs. He cried out and stumbled forward as Renji yanked the weapon back to himself and smiled as he gave a quick lick to one of the bloodied prongs. Ichigo looked up at his deranged friend, his eyes sad, yet angry. " If you want to fight that badly…" He promptly changed to Bankai and formed his own Hollow mask as he righted himself, "I'll have no choice but to oblige you."

The mask which had been slowly overtaking the red-headed shinigami's face had finally completed as he laughed violently and the pair clashed hard in the churning storm.

... ... ...

Matsumoto whimpered as she sorely walked from the sixth squad barracks, staying out of the rain under the walk ways. She was torn. What should she do now? Telling her captain would be the most obvious answer, but… what of Renji? If she told anyone, he would most surely be executed. The beast that had done this to her… it was not Renji. She knew she should be angry, she should hate him for what he'd done, but somehow she could only feel concern for her friend. What had happened to cause this? Did it have anything at all to do with the deplorable state he'd been found in weeks ago? She just couldn't condemn him for this when she still believed he could be saved. She wanted him to be saved… but how could she stay her tongue while hoping to god no one else would suffer the same indignity… or worse. What if he killed someone? She stopped walking and stood still as she stared at the floor in front of her. What should she do?

She trembled. _'Can I live with myself… if he kills someone…' _

... ... ...

Ichigo coughed, kneeling in defeat as blood spurted from his mouth. A piece of his mask crumbled down from his right eye and he clenched his trusted zanpakutou while he glared up at the red-head, "Don't…. Don't do this, Renji." he said gravely.

The vice-captain spat to the side as the copper taste assaulted his tongue. Zabimaru rested snuggly across the tender flesh of the boy's throat and cried gleefully as rain washed the blood down it's prongs. The hollowfied shinigami smiled down at the sight of the vulnerable neck resting so perfectly between the prongs of his sword. Just a flick of his wrist…

"Wake up damn it!" The boy screamed, "I know what you're going through, believe me!"

Renji sneered as the bleeding shinigami tried to reason with him, "Hn! You… You don't know anything!" He shouted as he pushed Zabimaru forward into the boy's throat while simultaneously kicking him in the chest.

Ichigo gagged on the blood and fell flat on his back as mud splashed up around him, and he felt Renji's knee plant itself on his chest. He opened his eyes to see the man hovering inches above him, his hollow eyes filled with rage and pain.

"The greatest pleasure for me right now, will be taking your head." came his venomous voice.

Ichigo's eyes widened as he felt the blade push down, "Don't! Renji, remember who you are! Remember me! Remember Rukia!"

The man stopped a moment as the name rang in his ears, "Ru…kia…." he repeated almost as if he were testing the name.

Seeing Renji's distraction, Ichigo swung his sword as hard as he could muster into the man's side and cringed as he felt Zabimaru tear his skin as the red-head went tumbling across the muddied ground. He rolled onto his front, forearms and knees supporting him as the rain continued to pelt his bleeding body. He stood shakily as a few more fragments of his mask crumbled away and he faced his adversary with new resolve.

Renji, however did not stand, but instead appeared to be trembling and holding his face as if he were in pain. Ichigo watched, drawing his brow low. Renji let out a muffled scream as he thrashed until he was on his knees in the runny mud, taunt with frustration. He screamed as he pulled hard on the white mask affixed to his face.

Ichigo gasped as he realized.

With one final scream the mask came loose and shattered and Renji's creased face momentarily came into view. It was short lived as the man fell forward onto his elbows his face again hidden from view.

The substitute shinigami rushed forward, "Renji!" he cried as he placed a hand on his friend's back, "Oy! Say something!"

"I'm sorry… sorry… Ichigo…" He muttered almost incoherently.

The boy's expression softened, "It's okay…" he sighed in relief, "Come on. Lets get out of the rain. We definitely need to talk."

... ... ...

When Renji and Ichigo arrived at Urahara's shop it was well past midnight, and they were both soaked and sore. Urahara came from his bed rubbing one eye while letting forth a mighty yawn, "Ah, you're back." he cocked his head, "Abarai-san, why are you here?

Renji sighed, "It's a long story." He settled himself at the table and folded his arms across it, proceeding to bury his face in them as Ichigo conversed with the shop keeper for a few minutes. He was so tired… drained, really. What would Rukia think if she found out about this…he lifted his head a tiny bit, eyes looking hard at the table. What could he do? Ichigo had dealt with this on his own, hadn't he? It seemed so impossible to him in this moment… _'Is my heart so much weaker than Ichigo's?' _he thought bleakly.

Had his weak heart been the cause of all this? Matsumoto had been trying to help him. She had been worried for him… what had he done? He frowned deeply and clenched his jaw as his hand came up to cover his face. Even if he did get through this, he would never be able to look her in the eye again. Forget that, he doubted he'd even be able to look himself in the eye again. _'What am I now…? Who am I?'_

"_Abarai-san" Urahara's chipper voice brought him out of his spiraling mind. "Ichigo-kun told me what happened. Do you mind if I ask you some things?"_

_Renji sighed as he straightened himself, "Mm. That's fine." he said attempting to remain as calm as possible._

_Urahara sat across from the red-head and folded his hands neatly before him as Ichigo sat a short ways back from the two. "How… did this come to be? It's quite unusual for this to just happen without some sort of intervention." The shop keeper asked as he analyzed the man before him._

_Renji was quiet for a moment, his eyes looked tired, forlorn, as he contemplated his next words, "I guess I noticed it shortly after I got out of the infirmary." he paused. "I never really went into detail with Taichou… but those men…"_

"_The guys who cut you up," Ichigo added asking for clarification._

"_Ah." the red-head confirmed with a curt nod, "I don't know what they wanted with me. Honestly, I was too busy giving them a hard time to figure out what they were trying to do. All I know is they had no regard for anyone or anything… To them, I was just a lump of meat that needed to be carved"_

"_They beat you?" The orange-haired boy interrupted again, concern evident on his face._

"_Na." Renji replied scorn dripping through his teeth, "It wasn't anything so gentle as a beating. I been beaten since the day I learned how to run. Those fuckers filleted me like a god damn butcher shop."_

"_Torture…" Urahara said mildly puzzled as he watched the emotion flicker over Renji's visage._

_The tattooed man nodded, "I was uncooperative in the beginning… Suppose they got sick of my defiance." he uttered softly ._

"_No." Urahara disagreed._

_The red-head looked at the man almost confused, while Ichigo listened intently. _

"_Torture is an excellent means to break someone's resolve," he said, "A soul in misery makes it much more likely for the hollowfication process to succeed. They were breaking you for a reason." _

_Renji's mouth hung ajar as he gaped at Urahara, struggling to soak up his words. "Then… they intended this to happen…"_

"_I should think so… Do you recall them injecting you with anything… or did they feed you anything that you remember?"_

_Renji shook his head, "I didn't eat anything while I was there. They didn't provide at all…" he paused for a moment, "I don't recall… I think I remember them waving a needle around… watching me…" he glared at the table as if he were thinking hard but inevitably he shook his head, "I can't remember…I was pretty wasted by that point…"_

_Urahara nodded, "It's fine. I think it's safe to assume they were scientists. Well, we know the source… but why did it take this long for you to react, I wonder. You get a tingling sensation sometimes, do you?"_

_Renji seemed surprised and nodded absently, "In my chest" he rubbed the area thoughtfully, "How did you kno-"_

"_It's a standard occurrence. The hole will open where that feeling concentrates the most… your heart." he said as he observed Renji's hand, "They say a Hollow's hole opens over his heart because he loved too deeply to let go." Urahara eyed the man, expecting a response, but was slightly shocked when the younger man averted his eyes and remained quiet._

_Ichigo too seemed surprised at his friend's withdraw. Could it be true? _

"_Ah sorry, Abarai-san, it's got no merit, just a wives tail people have invented. Hope I didn't offend you." the shop keeper apologized, though now curiously intrigued._

"_It's fine." he said stoically. "Everything aside. What am I going to do…" he asked bluntly. He looked to Ichigo, with eyes that were as frightened as they were desperate, "Ichigo. Show me how to control it"_

_The boy threw his hands up, "Ah Renji, I don't know! I had to fight myself for control. You… You did it too when we were fighting. You pulled the mask off of your own will when I said Ru….kia's… name…" Ichigo seemed to have a realization, and Renji knew it, "It's her. I never even saw it before."_

"_It's not important, Ichigo! Stop dissecting me like it makes a god damn difference!" Renji hissed as he slammed his fist on the table._

_Ichigo flinched, "Okay! Shit!" He pursed his lips as he looked at the older man, seeing the upset coursing through him quite easily._

"_Abarai-san, it is imperative that you don't get too upset right now. You're still quite vulnerable to this, so try to keep your emotions intact." Urahara warned._

"_Ah… mm" Renji nodded. _

_Urahara shifted, "Well I'll see if I can't help you out a bit, but is there anything else I should know first?" He said seemingly perfectly collected. _

_Renji perked up, "Like what? I told you what happened."_

_Urahara stood and walked over to a drawer nearby, "Well, I can't help thinking something else happened before you ran into Ichigo-kun… and that mark on your neck there…" He paused as he turned around with a syringe, drawing out some dark liquid from a vile, "looks somewhat like fingernails to me."_

_Renji's hand flew up to cover the cuts on his neck, his eyes wide and fearful as he stared at the shop keeper's approach._

_Ichigo stood up, "Oy, you aren't implying that he-" _

"_That's exactly what I'm implying" came Urahara's calm voice. He knelt next to the red-head who began to tremble ever so slightly as his chest grew tight and turbulent. "It's alright, Abarai-san. Here, this should help you relax." he said as he lifted Renji's sleeve and injected the needle at the inside of his elbow._

_Ichigo seemed at a loss, confusion swirling in his eyes as gaped at the fiery-haired man, while the blond man remained quiet, feeling Renji would come clean if he did not press him._

"_Matsumoto…" he finally muttered as his features crinkled into obvious shame. His eyes shot up toward the orange-haired boy, "I didn't want to hurt her! I couldn't… I couldn't stop myself. " he cried as his hands came up to cover his face, "I'm sorry… Ichigo please… don't tell Rukia… plea…se…" he trailed off as his hands slowly lowered and his eyes drooped heavily. He fell across the table limp as Urahara stood and disposed of the syringe. _

"_What? What did you do?" Ichigo shouted as he nudged Renji's back fruitlessly. _

"_He's asleep. What did you think I did?" The blond man asked almost offended as he glared down at the boy. _

"_Why?" Ichigo asked slightly bewildered._

_Urahara sighed, "He's very unstable right now. He's emotionally drained as well as tired and confused. It will be best for him to recuperate here in a dreamless sleep." _

"_W-What about Rangiku-san?" The substitute shinigami shouted as he stood, quite worried after Renji's behavior regarding the subject._

"_It would be wise to go find her. There's no telling what kind of state she's in… or if she's even alive after a brush with this kind of Hollow." The blond man gave a small frown, "I'm not sure there's much I can do for him. It will take someone who has gone through this before to show him how to live with it. I hope you are up to the challenge, Ichigo-kun."_

_The boy puckered his brow as he stared down at the unconscious red-head. He nodded before he turned, headed back to soul society in search of the woman Renji had apparently assaulted._


	5. Still Smile for You

**Chapter 5**

Renji sat listlessly staring out at the rain from the safety of the wooden porch. His mind was a fog of mental exhaustion and sedatives as he rested against a wooden beam. Urahara had told him he must stay calm at all times, or else the Hollow could emerge and things could get messy. He couldn't think much in this hazy state, but staring at the gentle rain made him feel content for the first time in a long time. He allowed his eyes to drift closed as the soft hum of the rainfall sang to him, a lullaby.

Up the walk way came a familiar petite girl in a yellow raincoat, with an umbrella above her, guarding her protectively. She climbed the steps and shook off her umbrella after attaining the shelter of the covered porch. As she turned around her eyes widened and she gasped, "Renji…?"

She set the closed umbrella aside and removed the rain cap, setting in beside her as she squatted in front of the dozing man. She looked at him for a time, curiosity and puzzlement in her eyes. She touched his forehead softly with the back of her fingers, thinking he looked a bit under the weather.

Crimson eyes flitted open, heavy and dark as they found her perfect face, "Rukia…" came his slightly hoarse voice.

"Baka. What are you doing here, and sleeping on the porch in the rain? You're going to get sick." she said giving him a crooked smirk and shaking her head in disapproval.

He grunted in response, his brain too broken right now to think of anything else.

"You don't look too well. Are you hung over?" she asked, but continued before he could answer, "And I thought you were supposed to be covering for Nii-sama while he's out looking for your assailants. Or has he returned already?"

The red-head squinted one eye at her as he slowly got to his feet, "Sorry, Rukia. I'm not feeling so hot… Can we talk later?" he muttered as he walked back inside. "I'm gonna lay down."

Rukia's brow crinkled in concern over the very un-Renji sorta behavior. As she was about to follow him back to his room, a hand on her back stopped her from doing so, "Rukia-sama, nice to see you on this fine day." he said cheerfully, ignoring the fact that it was pouring outside.

"Ren-" she began, but the shop keeper interrupted her before she could say much.

"Abarai-kun has been here for the past day. I gave him some medicine and it's made him a bit drowsy, but don't worry. He'll be just fine." he said with a reassuring smile plastered to his face.

The petite girl turned her eyes down the hall and bit her lip as if deciding if the man was really telling the truth or not, but she eventually decided not to press it. "Well I came because Ichigo was supposed only be gone for the night and now he still hasn't been home for two. I have had to take care of two Hollows on my own, and he's nowhere to be found."

Urahara looked up and unfurled his fan, poking it to his chin and vocalizing a profound 'Hm' as he seemed perplexed. "Kurosaki-san is-" he began

"Back" came the familiar voice of the substitute shinigami causing the pair to readily turn to face him.

"Ah Kurosaki-san! Welcome back!" Urahara chimed.

Rukia walked up to him stiffly and Ichigo seemed to brace himself as he looked down on her with a deep frown on his lips. "Ass! Where the hell have you been?" she demanded as she gave him a curt punch to the gut.

"Grk!" he cringed as he held his assaulted area, "Damn it, woman! Gimme a break. I got busy with something!"

"Hmph" she responded.

"Rukia-sama," Urahara drew her attention, "I was wondering if you might be willing to try and get Abarai-san to eat. He hasn't really been eating too well, you see. I can't get him to do any housework if he doesn't eat, you know." The merchant said innocently.

Rukia's expression softened and she nodded.

"There's soup in the kitchen- right in there." he said gesturing with his folding fan as the small girl followed his direction without delay.

Ichigo looked to the kitchen doorway then back to Urahara, "He's not eating?"

The merchant smiled, "Oh, he's fine. Just wanted to get her out so I could hear what you've brought back."

The spiky-haired boy frowned then, "It's not good news. Not at all." he said gravely "There's a warrant out for his arrest. They're looking for him. "

Urahara gave a soft 'Hn' as he rubbed his stubble. "And what of Rangiku-san?"

"She's the one who reported him." Ichigo said in a low voice, "She was pretty cut up… but she didn't seem to be particularly resentful of him… She actually seemed a little sorry for reporting him."

The blond man nodded, "I see." He turned from the boy, "Well. There's not much we can do, except try to get him stable. Are you ready, Ichigo-kun?"

... ... ...

Byakuya stood in front of his devastated office door. His face was blank as he stepped carefully over the broken wood, glancing down at the scattered books and small stains of blood on the floor. Servants worked, diligently cleaning the havoc as the sixth squad captain stood quiet amidst the bustle. An unfolded sheet of paper clung to his fingers and he firmly crushed it as he turned from the mess and left.

... ... ...

The training was hard, and Ichigo was having quiet a time, but Urahara had stepped in twice so far, when things had gotten out of hand. Without the help from Urahara and his team, honestly, the vice captain wouldn't have been able to even get this far, and he was thankful for that. Rukia remained blissfully unaware, much to Renji's relief, however he was concerned as to why she'd not been informed via her phone. The red head had a haunting feeling that someone knew where he was… someone who didn't want to alarm them.

All worries concerning his warrant aside, he tried to focus on the vital undertaking that lie before him. Struggling with a self within himself, Renji found his outlook on ever overcoming this alien inside him grew more daunting every day. Ichigo tried to guide and encourage him, but in the end it all came down to the strength of his own heart… a strength, the tattooed man doubted more than he trusted.

As the men returned to the air-conditioned comfort of the house, they felt relief ease their tired muscles, particularly the red-headed shinigami.

"This is ridiculous." Renji grumbled flattening his forehead on the table as he gave a sigh.

"What" came Ichigo's confident voice, " Rome wasn't built in a day, Renji. You just have to give it time."

Renji hit the table with one fist as he shot upright, "It's been 6 days and I'm not any different than I was on the first night!" he shouted in frustration.

"You are so! You just don't notice it yourself," the orange-haired boy reassured.

Renji scowled sourly as he got to his feet, "I don't need your pity, asshole!" he shouted as he quickly made to leave the insufferable room.

"HEY!" Ichigo yelled as he stood from his seat, but Urahara suddenly put a hand on his chest to stop him from following the older man.

"It's okay, Ichigo-kun. Let him cool off for a bit," the shop keeper said calmly. "I'll give him a small dose to help."

The spiky haired boy frowned and diverted his eyes before nodding and sauntering off alone.

... ... ...

Renji lay across the futon, his face burred in the blanket as he tried not to fight the drugs in his system. The haze usually kept his mind calm and soothed the ache in his chest, but right now he couldn't close his eyes. As he turned his head to the side and gazed out at the brightness of the day, he began to think about his situation. The cool breeze eased in through the open door and his hair moved gently in it. He felt a hopelessness settle low in his gut. The voice in his head was quiet, but when he wasn't drugged he could hear it loud and clear. He could see it in his mind, and feel it in his chest. The hold it had on him seemed to tighten every time he heard it speak. The things it had said today had left him in turmoil. It wanted to overtake all of him and steal what he was to weak to obtain… and the thing he'd pined for the most…

Finally he closed his eyes and a cushion of nothingness captured his exhausted mind.

... ... ...

He awoke to a soft nudge on his shoulder and a gentle, familiar voice saying his name.

"Renji… Renji, come on. Get up." Rukia said unusually soft for her normal tone, "I brought you dinner. Sit up and eat."

The red head gave a dry moan as he rolled onto his back, propping up on his elbows as his eyes found the small girl's kneeling form.

Rukia frowned, "It's almost 9, you know. You've been asleep since I got here." she said as she put the tray in his lap, "It's not like you. Something is going on, and I want you to tell me."

Renji's eyes glanced at her briefly before they lowered to the food in his lap. He didn't speak, but instead began to eat the noodles she'd brought. He was pretty hungry after sleeping so long.

"You're not going to tell me?" Rukia stated, lowering her brow as she glared at him.

The tattooed shinigami stopped eating and let his hand fall back to his tray, "It's nothing to be concerned about." he said, lying through his teeth, but hoping she wouldn't press the matter.

Rukia pursed her lips, "Bullshit." she said before she ripped the tray out of his lap and set it aside, "If if wasn't something to be concerned about then you would tell me."

Renji frowned and looked away from her. He didn't want to have this conversation at all.

"Renji!" She yelled, "Asshole. Why are you being like this?" She turned her back to him and folded her arms, seething in her frustration.

The red head felt a twinge of guilt ripple inside his gut, but still he didn't want her to know anything of his situation. He was afraid. What would she think of him after knowing what he'd done? He couldn't bare her resentment…

"I'm worried about you." she finally said unable to look him in the eye as she admitted it. "Please tell me." she added softly.

Renji stood and causing the small girl to turn and look as he paced toward the open door. The atmosphere was suffocating and the vice captain wanted nothing more than to get away in that moment. How could he put her through this? "I'm fine… Rukia." He said, turning to look at her with jaded eyes. _'I'm not fine, Rukia.' _his mind echoed. "I'm sorry to worry you, but everything will be okay, I promise." He told her as he forced a smile. He could still smile, if it was for her.

The dark-haired girl sighed in defeat and lowered her eyes from the crushing blow of his smile. She picked up the abandoned food tray, "Come finish this," she muttered. He was lying. She knew he was, but the more she pushed the more he withdrew it seemed. Renji had been in her life since she was a tiny girl stealing food on the streets. It didn't seem there was anything they couldn't tell each other… She trusted him with secrets she wouldn't even tell Byakuya or Ichigo… Whatever this was, his behavior had only made her more upset. Why would he lie to her? Had he done something stupid? Was he in trouble and trying to keep her out of it? Why was he here at Urahara's place when he obviously didn't have any assignments here? The questions plagued her endlessly as she sat at his side while he ate silently.

He could feel her eyes burning sores into him as she stared at him with disturbingly dark eyes. They stayed there in the hushed room for many minutes, the air around him seemed heavy and choked by her presence. He finished eating and set the bowl down beside him, his eyes flickering to the floor for a second before they reached forward for anything that wasn't her piercing eyes.

Finally, under the pressure, he pushed away, "Maybe you should go."

Rukia drew her brow, seeming to be hurt by his reaction.

"I want you to go." he said in a lowered voice.

The small girl's expression grew crumpled, angry, and pained, "Bastard." she said in a grim whisper.

Renji frowned as he saw her normally placid face so spoiled by him. He leaned in quickly and kissed her flushed cheek, giving her shoulder a gentle rub with his thumb as he drew back again.

Rukia's expression grew soft and confused at once as he peered up at him with wide glossy eyes.

He stared down at her wanting for so much, but expecting so little. He didn't know what possessed him to do such a thing, but he was glad her face was no longer crinkled. As he felt his chest swirling and heard a cruel voice in his head, he patted her on the side of the arm and grinned faintly, "Don't… worry about me."

... ... ...

It was late in the morning and Renji had already trained for several hours along side the carrot-top shinigami. Ichigo seemed to have only praise for his effort, but he only saw himself falling harder. As the guys came upstairs to get their lunch, the tattooed man was calm and his Hollow, quiet. Rukia appeared halfway through their meal and seemed pleased to see her friend doing well. She sat between the two sweaty men and proceeded to poke fun at them, and for a short time their spirits were at ease. Renji found himself arguing and laughing along with them. All was forgotten. He was unchained from a sorrow that had flooded his soul so deeply... at least for this brief moment, he could be himself while the Hollow slept.

Now Rukia began to leave and Renji felt himself longing for her company before she had even left his sight. As she turned to wave at him and Ichigo from the walkway, the three of them suddenly went rigid, and Urahara and his team abruptly rushed from the store in alarm.

The small girl turned from the building and her eyes grew wide as she laid eyes on the flowing robe of a white captain's uniform… "Nii-sama…"

Renji swallowed hard, his eyes trained on the graceful form of his deadly captain.

Ichigo's breathing spiked as he looked back and forth between Renji and Byakuya. The sixth squad captain… he wasn't here to make nice. Renji was a wanted man, and Byakuya was not a forgiving one… blood would be spilled.

"Renji" came the calm collected voice of the aristocrat, "You're under arrest. Come quietly or resist, it makes little difference."

Rukia's jaw nearly hit the floor, "What? What the hell is going on?"

Ichigo stepped in front of the taller red-head, "What the fuck is your problem. You never lift a finger when it's some criminal that needs to be brought to justice, but when it's someone close to you, you can't wait long enough to drag them down!" he said with accusing eyes.

"Renji!" Rukia yelled as she desperately tried to get a grasp on the situation.

"This is not either of your concerns. Renji will be trialed fairly just as anyone else." Byakuya said ignoring the shinigami boy's comment.

"If you take him back, he'll be executed and you know it! This isn't his fault! Just give him some time to cope! He can do this if you just give him a chance!" Ichigo all but growled out to the captain, adamantly defending the vice-captain at his back.

Rukia gasped at the orange-haired boy's sharp words and looked frightened as her eyes shifted to her brother's stone visage. "Executed…Nii-sama!"

Byakuya's eyes drifted down to the woman at his side and he seemed to study her for a moment before his eyes returned to the fore. "Time is out. It's unfortunate, but I'm doing this because it needs to be done."

"The hell you are!" Ichigo screamed as he yanked out his sword and pointed it toward the stoic man, who gave little reaction.

Urahara observed silently, looking over at the topic of conversation who had remained quiet all this time. Renji was calm. Strangely calm. The shop keeper's eyes narrowed as he tried to imagine what the man was thinking right at this moment.

Rukia felt herself shiver as she suddenly clasped her brother's sleeve, "Please, don't! You don't have to do thi-"

"Enough!" Renji interrupted, pushing Ichigo out from in front of him, "He's right."

Ichigo seemed shocked and offended, "What the hell do you mean, he's right?"

"I mean it's none of your God-damned business!" Renji snarled back at him. Wide eyes stared at the red head from multiple directions.

"Come, Renji." the sixth squad captain commanded, showing little concern over Renji's behavior.

The read-head's eyes were somber and listless, "Yes, Taichou…" he said as he avoided Rukia's concerned eyes while he passed to follow the dark-haired man.

'_Sorry…'_


	6. Don't let go 'til it Bleeds

Chapter 6

As Renji sat in the barren cell he thought of many things. He thought of his tingling chest. He thought of dying. He thought of Rukia. It was disheartening to think of all the things he had to let go of. He didn't want to die. He wasn't some hopeless, depressed ninny that wanted it all to end; but in fact he wished by some miracle he would be saved. However, he was, and always had been a realist, and he knew miracles were nothing but coincidences that happened in your favor.

He was making his peace. Ichigo would never understand. He doubted Rukia would either. Ironic, it was. His friends couldn't understand , and the only son of a bitch that agreed with him was Byakuya, although for completely different motives.

His captain's words echoed in his mind even now. 'I'm doing this because it needs to be done.'

It was those words that convinced him to turn himself in. 'I don't want to hurt anyone else…' he thought for the hundredth time as he sighed softly to himself in the dark cell.

The drugs Urahara had given him were no longer effecting him, and his mind was crystal clear. He was slightly afraid of what would happen if he lost control again, but the prison bars gave him some measure of dependence. He had to keep himself calm, and remember what Ichigo had taught him in their brief training. He would fight for control if it came to that, but he hoped to whatever scornful angel that watched over him that it wouldn't. He knew he couldn't win against the Hollow.

He was like a wall and the Hollow, like a chisel. In Ichigo's case, the wall was solid, smooth, and polished. The chisel can't find imperfections to gain a grip on. That's what the boy had told him during their training. All the more reason, the vice-captain felt he could never win against it. Renji was not a wall that could wish stand the chisel. They were not made from the same stone. No. Renji's wall was cracked, weathered, and damaged. Perhaps at one time it was a sturdy wall, when he had been much younger, but the years had taken their toll. Cracks run deep, edges become jagged, and grout becomes brittle. His chisel had an abundance of imperfections to choose from, and there was nothing he could do to repair the damage.

He closed his eyes. He was doing what had to be done. He was doing the right thing. If this was the only way he could protect his friends… protect Rukia… He would give his life if it meant her safety, of that he had always known. He had never doubted his loyalty to her, even when they had been angry with one another. It was ironic in the end, he mused, it seemed the only kind thing he could ever give to her was his absence. He smiled, a wretched, painful smile, as if he was laughing at what a joke his life had been. Why had he been living his whole life in the shadow of a girl who barely came up to his waist… Beautiful Rukia. His hope and his curse. His cure and his poison. Dying for her… would not be hard for him, but living without her was certainly an impossible task. Maybe he was doing this because he was too selfish and afraid to face that reality, should it ever come to pass. He didn't know, and he probably never would. All he knew, was he wanted to die, knowing he was still the man who remembered her, and not a monster. He was doing the right thing.

... ... ...

"Just let me in, please?" Rukia scowled at the man guarding the entrance to the cell block.

The large man stuck out his chin and puckered his brow, "Kuchiki-Taichou gave me orders! Only medical personnel and captains. I'm sorry, really, I'd like to help, but my hands are tied."

The small girl frowned deeply, "Well… Well what's going to happen?" she said trying to keep herself calm, "Did they say anything… about sentencing?" she asked, with eyes that were wide and still hopeful.

The guard frowned, "Abarai Fuku-Taichou's sentencing hasn't been confirmed yet. You know… what's going to happen… we all do." he said as he looked down at the childish-looking girl.

Rukia bit her lip and crinkled her brow, "But… it's Renji…" she said as her eyes suddenly became glossy.

"Sorry, Kuchiki-sama…"

... ... ...

The following day, Renji's sentence was formally announced to the squads. Renji stood on his chair as he allowed his hand to dangle out from the barred window, and he watched as a number of his squad members as well as some of his friends passed by. He could only see a small portion of the covered walk way, but he had no trouble distinguishing the people that appeared there. They all stopped and bowed respectfully to him before they disappeared from his sight. He frowned when Kira and Hinamori appeared. They sat down for a time, dangling their feet from the side of the walk way. Renji managed a smile and a wave when they finally stood to go, but it seemed this only queued Hinamori to start crying.

Shortly after that a face appeared that he hadn't expected. Matsumoto stopped at the railing and watched him quietly. He puckered his brow and drew his hands back inside. She then surprised him by getting down on her knees and bowing low. She wiped the tears from her eyes before she hurriedly rushed away. She was sorry… he realized. He finally stepped down from the chair and slumped against the wall. It wasn't right for her to be sorry to him. He was the villain, after all…

... ... ...

Sleep clawed his back with cold, jagged fingers, and it was all he could do to keep from sleeping. When he slept he found no relief from either fatigue or his restless mind. His dreams were saturated with the thoughts and desires of his inner Hollow. He was so tired, but the second he closed his eyes, blood and sex were painted on the back of his eyelids. Inevitably, however, his eyes drifted closed. He could feel the heavy stirring in his chest while he slept, but he could not find the strength to open his eyes. He saw himself standing before him. A cruel grin on his lips, and eyes that were black like coals. "Hello Renji. Did you think I wouldn't find you if you kept quiet?"

... ... ...

"Just take it easy, Rukia." Ichigo said as he patted her shoulder gently as the pair sat on the side of his bed.

"We can't just let this happen!" she said, hiding her fear and sadness behind a new determination, "Ichigo, you got me out of prison. Together we could-" she started, but was interrupted by the young man.

"Renji turned himself in." Ichigo said, "And it's not the same as your situation was, Rukia…" he said sounding a little down. "Even if we went in there and busted him out, he's still a Vizard. You don't understand, because you weren't there while we were training."

Rukia listened with wrinkled eyebrows as Ichigo spoke, "Tell me." she said almost timidly.

The orange haired boy sighed, "I just… His Hollow-self is cruel as any, and he's scared that he'll hurt someone that's important to him. I know, because I felt the same way. It's really hard, not being able to trust yourself."

"Do you feel that way too?" she asked as she looked up at him with those night sky blue eyes.

Ichigo mused for a moment, "I trust myself. I believe that I will always be able to overcome him… I have to." he said as he looked back at the girl at his side.

Rukia's resolve slipped and she lowered her eyes, "He can't overcome…"

"It's funny, I always thought he was a pretty confident guy… I guess the Hollows show us who we really are."

"No." she said, "He was that guy once… I remember. I know if he just has some time, he can do this."

"Rukia, He's alrea-"

"I'm telling you! I know Renji." she said with a wavering voice, "He's lost sight of himself. He just needs someone to help him remember. He's an arrogant, vulgar, stubborn, block-head… and he's about to be executed because some psychos did a science experiment on him."

Ichigo's expression softened and he put his arm around her shoulder, "I know."

Rukia covered her crinkled face with her hands and turned to buried her face in the boy's shirt, "Ichigo." she whimpered, softly.

... ... ...

Panting… The red head shot upright and stumbled up to the bars of his cell, "Oy!" he yelled haggardly, "Someone!" His chest was so tight it felt like it was tearing open. It hurt. He clasped it as he slumped generously against the cell bars and tried to catch his breath. He was sweating profusely as he could feel the Hollow muddling in his head. He clenched his eyes closed and shook his head violently, "Stop it! Get out of my head!" he screamed as his footing was lost and he slipped down to one knee, still clinging to the bars.

A guard trotted up as he heard the commotion and stopped in alarm when he saw the former vice captain in obvious distress. "A-Abarai Fuku-Taichou…" he said appearing to be at a loss of what to do.

"Sedative…" Renji murmured. "Sedate me."

"I… I don't have any seda-" the man started, but was interrupted harshly as Renji yelled.

"Get me a fucking sedative!" he screamed, clenching the bars tight enough to cut his skin.

The man jumped and nodded sharply before he swiftly ran for the forth squad.

It seemed like an eternity before the guard again appeared outside the cell with help. Isane was obviously shocked to see Renji crumpled against the bars, shaking so horribly. "Oh goodness, Abarai-kun."

Renji thrust his arm through the bars, "Hurry." he said with a quivering voice.

The fourth squad vice captain knelt before him holding the vital syringe in her hand. Renji's face pressed against the bars as his eyes followed the needle as it neared his skin, "Don't… touch my skin." he spoke as she drew near.

Isane nodded before she pushed the needle into his sweat-slicked flesh careful not to touch him. As the liquid disappeared from the vile, the room fell quiet, with only the harsh breathing of the tattooed man resonating off the walls.

Renji's arm fell back down at his side and he gave a short moan as he felt the Hollow's grip tightening on his mind. 'It's not working' he thought as he tried desperately to hold off the Hollow long enough for the drugs to take effect. 'It's not working'' The Hollow echoed back to him with a smile. "It's not enough." he said as his body shook with the tension.

"If I give you anymore, it could kill you!" Isane said seeming genuinely scared for him.

"I don't care!" he said sounding positively desperate, "I need more! Hurry!" Renji shouted as his breathing became increasingly erratic.

"Abarai-kun…" Isane frowned as she finally reached for the medicine bottle and drew more into the syringe.

Renji couldn't move enough to put his arm back out of the bars, he was so wrapped up in his fight. Every muscle in his body was as tense as a bow string, and Isane swallowed as she reached through the bars and carefully lifted his sleeve.

Something snapped then and in an instant the medical shinigami felt strong hands grab her arms and yank her into the bars. Her eyes went wide as she saw black and gold eyes staring back into her own, and a sneer crumpled his features as he gave another hard yank. The bars gave way and she felt herself fly through the air surrounded by a flurry of clanks and whirls as the broken bars fell around her. The guard gave a high yelp as he realized what was happening.

The Hollow mask was slow to form as he stepped out from the hole in the broken bars, gold eyes darting to the guard. The man ran for dear life as those horrid eyes found him, and Renji scowled as he followed leisurely behind.

"H-Help! Abarai's loose! I need a captain!" The man screamed as he ran down the hall in a panic, looking back over his shoulder nervously at the advancing red-head.

... ... ...

Byakuya stood poised at the end of the hall as he laid eyes on the escaped Renji. The hollowfied shinigami sneered as he tossed an unworthy opponent through one of the glass windows that lined the hallway. Renji turned at the feeling of his captain's reiatsu, revealing the partial white mask that had appeared on the left side of his face. He smiled as he saw the familiar deadpan mug focused so intently on him.

"Taichou!" he called as he kicked a man laying in his path out of the way, "I was hoping you'd show up."

The sixth squad captain observed the mess of bodies that lay strewn down the hallway. Some retained a grasp of life, others were less fortunate… Either way, as it was, the Hollow was eager to inflict as much damage as he could. His black, hateful eyes reached out to Byakuya with murderous intent, and the captain felt prickles run up the back of his neck.

Narrowing his eyes, Byakuya swiftly drew his sword, leaving no time to formalities as he dispersed Senbonzakura in a glimmer of color. "If you won't be peacefully contained ,then I have no choice but to kill you, Renji... Apologies"

The Hollow mask covered most of the vice captain's face now, but as the pedal-like blades moved to encompass him, suddenly he vanished from Byakuya's sights. Appearing again a hair's width from the shorter man's ear, "Apologize to someone who believes you're sincere." he growled as he swung his fist down hard across his captain's shoulder.

The noble swordsman tried to evade, but was only able to avoid a more serious blow.

"Fast" Byakuya through as he righted himself at a safe distance from his former vice captain.

"Surprised you?" The Hollow cackled, "It will be my greatest pleasure making you bleed, Taichou… actually I'd like to take my time killing you. Savor the moment, you know."

The sixth squad captain scowled at the masked man in front of him. "You are nothing but a blood-mad Hollow. I will obligingly end your suffering." His hand flew forward and a flood of cherry blades danced ahead in it's wake. Renji darted back from the attack, quickly crashing through the window and outside. Byakuya started to move forward, but as he took a step, suddenly the window to his left shattered as the Hollow came dashing back in with a red, swirling energy poised in his hand.

"Cero." Byakuya's eyes grew wide and he flash stepped out of the Hollow's path. However, as he landed at a distance, he turned, only to see that same white mask meeting his eyes. Renji laughed as the cero blazed from his hand and burst in a merciless fury.

As the smoke and debris cleared Byakuya stood, panting lightly, his right sleeve was torn off and exposed was a pale, bleeding arm. He sneered as his eyes remained fixed on the Hollow in front of him.

"Not bad for my first cero, ay? You should be proud. Couldn't have done it without ya, Taichou. You're a great motivator." Renji smirked under his mask.

"Enough! This ends now." the captain all but snarled as Renji was swarmed with the endless blades of Senbonzakura.

Blood flew as the Hollow screamed in frustration and agony, but as Byakuya's hand was outstretched to control the swarming flurry of blades, Renji suddenly rushed at him. The Captain's eyes went wide in surprise as the Hollow ran at him even as Senbonzakura tore at his flesh like a swarm of hungry piranha. Before the noble could react he felt coarse fingers clasp his throat and clamp down tight. He felt the constriction immediately before both of them toppled to the damaged wood floor with a thud. The captain's slate grey eyes bore angrily into the now exposed face of his former vice captain. Pieces of the mask continually fell away as Senbonzakura continued to tear away at him, but his grip only tightened on his superior's neck.

"You can mince me to nothing but a bloody pulp… but I swear if I die I will take you with me, you son of a bitch." Renji growled as the mask crumbled away and blood spilled down his limbs and back, but still those black and gold eyes remained fixated on the crumpled face in front of him.

Byakuya led out a choked sound as he felt a slight panic surge through his mind.

"Did you think I didn't remember- or that I would forget? All I wanted… was to see her. She is not yours! She is mine! Do you hear? Rukia is mine!" He screamed as Senbonzakura ceased attacking and rematerialized in the distressed noble's hand.

Renji gasped as he felt the razor-sharp blade ram through his side and out his back. His grip loosened for a second before it returned full force, never allowing a breath to enter the detestable man's lungs. Blood erupted from Renji's mouth as his vision began to blur and slowly the black in his eyes melted away, to be replaced with the normal white of a sane man.

The captain suffocating under his tremendous strangle hold was beginning to turn blue as he struggled for a breath, but no relief came to the anguished captain as Renji held fast, with hands that were locked like the jaws of a bull dog.

Kicking slightly as his body went into panic, the sixth squad captain drew his sword up in a last ditch effort to save himself. Swiping the blade deep across the underside of Renji's wrists, he cut his own neck, but as the tendons were severed, the vice-like hands went lax, and Byakuya gasped in glorious agony as he felt the air hit his lungs and proceeded into a coughing fit that would put Ukitake to shame.

Renji was rolled onto his side as he felt his body growing increasingly heavy while he watched a pool of red growing around him. Listening to the sounds of Byakuya coughing and the thundering footsteps of approaching squad-members, Renji's dazed mind began to wrap itself around what had just occurred. His greatest hope was that when the approaching black fog in his mind seized him, he would never again wake up to know what he had done.


	7. Chains of Abandonment

Chapter 7

"Alive? What are you talking about?"

"The Shinigami vice captain from 2 months ago. He's been scheduled for execution next week on accusation of being a Vizard." The scrawny man smiled to his superior as the taller man eyed him in disbelief.

"How can this be… He was dead! The body was dumped… and the C-16 solution was scrapped... how is it possible?"

The smaller man shook his head, "I can only account that he somehow was mistaken for dead when he was dumped- but that aside, the C-16 solution worked!"

"Yes it would seem, but now our subject is about to be executed… It would be most displeasing to finally have a success only to have the Gotei 13 trample over the fruits of our labor. He must be retrieved. There are still many things to do."

The scrawny man nodded, "Indeed. I'll get on it immediately, sir."

"Please do… and don't alert the rest of them. The last thing we need is a throng of captains banging at our front door." the taller man growled as he snatched a file folder up from the table and slinked away.

... ... ...

"Nii-Sama!" came Rukia's urgent voice, "I just heard." She came to a startling halt as she panted outside the doorway.

Byakuya was sitting calm and poised as ever at his desk. His eyes were weary despite his flawless demeanor. "It's fine. Don't concern yourself." he said softly as he elegantly moved the pen over the sheet of paper in front of him.

Rukia's eyes were wide and her brow was drawn, "You… Did you hurt him?" she asked almost fearfully as she knelt down politely. She was afraid, not of her brother, but of what he could do to someone like Renji. She knew her friend was injured, but she didn't know the extent, and she still couldn't get in to see him, although she had tried desperately.

The sixth captain remained quiet for a long moment and Rukia opened her mouth to speak again when he slammed his hand down on the desk, "I did! He's not your friend anymore, Rukia. I forbid you to have anything more to do with him." He roared as he stood up and stormed up to her. The deep purple on his neck was evident as the traditional shawl hung low. He grabbed her by the upper arm and lifted her to a standing position, before he spoke, low and dangerous, to her face, "That man is a Hallow now. Renji is dead to you from hence forth. Is that understood? I'll not have you in danger on his account."

The petite girl's eyes were wide and afraid, she wanted to object. She wanted to scream back at him, 'No! He's not a lost cause! You are wrong!' but the words would not form on her tongue as he glared daggers into her night-blue eyes. She finally tore her eyes away and nodded in obediently, feeling an acidic taste rise to the back of her tongue.

Her arm was suddenly released and she looked up to see the back of her brother's flowing cloak, "You may leave." he said sounding as if he had regained his composure.

... ... ...

A hallowfied Shinigami, sentenced to death, locked up and shut off from the world for the few remaining days of his life… yet Rukia couldn't smother the dimly light flicker of hope in her small chest. She couldn't give up. She didn't want to feel that way again… when she'd thought he was dead.

Renji was hard to label. He was her friend, and as she thought over it, her want to save him only grew stronger. They had grown up together, and gone through countless hardships. She'd always been a bit selfish, but Renji had always been willing to let her have her way, even if he acted angry about it. He had always been selfless where she was concerned. Perhaps in the past she hadn't noticed it as much, but as the events played out recently, she had thought about it more and more. They'd had their rough patches… She'd thought she hated him at one point, but in the end, he'd weaseled his way back into her life, and to her disbelief, she'd been happy he had. So many memories; happy ones, sad ones, bitter ones, funny ones… Renji… no matter how hopeless it all seemed, how could she give up, when he was still right there at the edge of her fingers.

Forbidden from him…Byakuya was just bitter Renji had got his licks in, she scoffed. She didn't like going behind his back… but desperate times called for desperate measures. She didn't have much time to set this up, but damn it all, he'd risked his life for her when she'd been in his shoes. They all had. There was no other choice in her eyes. She was going to save him one way or another… She'd need help though…

... ... ...

The scream of a metal door swinging open stirred him from his dreamless sleep. Voices whispering at the edge of his hearing made his head pound. The chill that settled deep into his bones swiftly reminded him where he was as he felt the painful throb against his wrists where the shackles bound him. Waking up from his first nightmare barely alive, he realized he hadn't woken up at all. He was still shackled beaten and tired in the dark confines of a cell… maybe everything in between had been a dream and he'd never left the first cell at all… Over the course of his stay in this new cell, he had finally recognized his mistake… the dire mistake that had driven him down the miserable, desolate road he now stood on. He had lived. When he should have let go… when he was ready to let go, her voice had reached him, and he had come back. He had fought to stay alive when he was on the brink. Fate had let him choose his poison… and he had picked the wrong one… Rukia was not his angel, he cringed bitterly.

Four days, they'd told him this morning… Had the day already past, and they returned to tell him it was now three? He no longer cared. He closed his eyes. Sleep would ebb his pain.

"R… Renji…" came a sweet, familiar voice that made the darkness around him slink back, if only for a brief moment. He lifted his head and his weary, crimson eyes found her. Standing against the bars, hands clasping the cold steel as she peered through them, looking at him with obvious concern.

He was a mess. They hadn't done much to clean him up since his escape. The wounds on his torso were bandaged, though the bandages were bloody, and ill kept. His hakama were tattered and ragged, and much of his fiery red locks spilled messily around his neck and face, escaped from the grasp of his sagging ponytail. Around his neck a spirit suppression collar fit snugly, accompanied by the shackles that pinned him up against the wall, he was completely subdued.

His voice was dry and painfully hoarse as he spoke, "I was told I wasn't allowed visitors…"

Rukia glanced to the side where Ukitake was waiting with the guard, "I'm not supposed to be here…"

Renji winced, "Then… you should go."

The small girl frowned. He was giving up. He had resigned himself to die… she knew that look. She had felt the same once in the not too distant past. "Renji."

His broken eyes looked up from the dusty floor to meet her lovely violet pools.

"I'll save you." she whispered before she turned and left, feeling her insides screaming.

... ... ...

Rukia sat huddled to herself in the swiftly fading light of the day. She'd been wracking her brain, but always she was drawn back to a feeling of inadequacy. What was she going to do?

"Yo." came the familiar voice as Ichigo appeared beside her. "What are you doing up here?" he said as he settled down beside her, scanning the cityscape from the vantage of the roof, she'd perched herself on.

"I don't know what to do…" she said, her voice soft and lost sounding. "They're going to kill him, and I don't know how to save him." she bit her lip as if to keep from crying.

The spiky-haired boy frowned and put his arm around her, pulling her against his side. She was limp as she allowed herself to be comforted.

"Whatever the odds, you know he'd do the same for either of us. I've got no qualms busting him out, if I have to fight tooth and nail. I just…. wonder about his own resolve… after."

Rukia nuzzled into his clothes as she felt his hand rub her shoulder soothingly. She felt her worries ebb away as Ichigo's warmth surrounded her. Slowly she raised her head up to look at the youth. His chocolate eyes returned her gaze and he gave an awkward half-smirk, "Don't look so pitiful, It's not like you."

She lowered her gaze and let a tiny smile escape her lips, "Thanks Ichigo."

He smiled as he continued to watch her, "You don' have to thank me. You know you can trust me to always do what needs to be done."

The small shinigami reached up and turned his face toward her own, "I know. I trust you with that." she leaned in and kissed his lips softly.

Ichigo went rigid. A thousand thoughts rushed through his mind in that instant, but they melted away as he slowly remembered to breathe, and parted his lips to return her kiss. Bringing his hand up to cradle the back of her head, he felt her small warm hands circle his neck as she pressed herself against him. He was young and inexperienced, but she directed him well as the pair indulged in a desperate need for someone to hold on to.

As the boy laid back against the roof tiles, Rukia slid her leg over his lap. Ichigo gasped against her lips as he felt the small weight of her on top of him, "Is this…. such a good idea, Rukia?" he found himself asking while she placed his hands around her.

Rukia paused, "Do you not want to?" she seemed to withdraw at the possibility.

Ichigo shook his head, "No, it's not that… but right here?… We're on a roof." He'd admit it was kind of hot to think about, but he was a bit shy, as he was… mostly… inexperienced with this aspect of a woman.

She leaned back down on him, "It's already dark, no one will see us. I just… I need this right now, please, Ichigo…" she whispered to him as her hands snaked under his collar and splayed over his firm chest. It was so easy to forget how young he truly was sometimes.

... ... ...

"Hello, Abarai-kun." whispered a malicious sounding voice against the darkness.

Red eyes shot open only to find a pungent rag pressed over his mouth and nose. He gave a muffled cry as he saw the wickedly smiling men that had surely come from his nightmares. He strained against his bonds, but suddenly found himself going limp… All was black again.

... ... ...

Ichigo sighed as he walked leisurely through the hazy morning air. It was so quiet at this hour. Light was barely breaking over the horizon and the shadows were long like lanky giants across the pavement. He stopped and turned toward the brightening horizon. Rukia had seemed so desperate last night. Desperate and afraid. She was usually a bit harder to read, but he could see through her last night as if she were made of glass. Fear of being alone? He honestly didn't know the depths of her relationship with Renji, and somewhere inside the selfish part of him didn't want to know. She'd sworn up and down that she and Renji were nothing more than good friends, and with her behavior toward himself last night, he would accept that. However, he was sure Renji didn't feel the same way about her. Whatever the red-head felt towards the petite girl, he obviously didn't want her to know about it. Ichigo had gotten that message just fine the first time he'd brought it up...

"I don't know! I had to fight myself for control. You… You did it too when we were fighting. You pulled the mask off of your own will when I said Ru….kia's… name…" Ichigo seemed to have a realization, and Renji knew it, "It's her. I never even saw it before!"

"It's not important, Ichigo! Stop dissecting me like it makes a god damn difference!" Renji hissed as he slammed his fist on the table.

'He didn't want me to know either.' Ichigo surmised. It hadn't been that important to him before, just surprising, but now… now it was like a bad conscience hanging over his shoulder. How could he be with Rukia knowing Renji was rotting in a cell waiting to be executed? He damned his conscience sometimes…

"Help!" came a frantic sounding voice, "Help! Someone!"

Ichigo's ears perked up and he dashed toward the sound of the distressed voice. "What is it!" He said as he slid to a halt in front of a young female squad member kneeling next to an unconscious man. "I think something terrible has happened! Look!" she said pointing down the hall at a trail of dead or unconscious squad members. Ichigo scowled as he observed the direction of the trail. "Go get the forth squad. Hurry." he said as she whimpered and nodded in confirmation before she took off as fast as she could. The orange-haired boy drew his sword as he began to follow the trail, cautious of what he may find at the end.

"Ichigo!" called a stern voice. He spun to see Ukitake trotting up.

"Ukitake." the boy nodded.

"It would appear they've come and gone without alerting anyone."

"Where does this lead?" Ichigo asked as the pair walked in stride.

The older captain narrowed his eyes, "The high security prison block." he said calmly. "I fear it may relate to Abarai-san in some way…"

Ichigo swallowed as they descended the steps and found the steel door to the cell open wide, and empty of life. "Renji…"

Ukitake scowled as he touched the melted door lock, "They took him… or he went with them…"

... ... ...

"Fuck You, You Son of Bitch! I'll Kill you! I'll kill you all!" Renji screamed as he writhed and bucked against his bonds like a mad man.

"Now now, Abarai-kun. Behave. You do remember what happened last time you acted up." the man cackled as he paced in front of the riled shinigami.

"Aaaah!" Renji screamed as the hallow mask rapidly overtook his face and his reiatsu flared the deepest of crimson around him.

"Still so easy to anger…" the man smiled. "You really are an awesome specimen though. With this we'll finally be able to move forward with Aizen-sama's instructions."

The hallow roared and all but incinerated the bonds from himself. Even the spirit suppression collar warped and cowered against the upsurge of power that singed the very walls of the room. "You will all die." came the distorted voice of the hallow as he grinned smugly, before he rammed the glass that was now the only protection the scientists had from his awesome wrath.

"Do it." the cocky scientist said to his underling as he calmly observed the psychotic hallow just on the other side of the glass.

Renji was suddenly struck with an incredible heaviness that pierced through his body as if he were made of water. A horrid low vibration radiated through his chest as his vision grew warped and muddled with dancing lights. His chest felt so tight, he couldn't even muster the strength to scream as the devastating sensation continued to hammer through his body for what seemed like hours, but in reality was only a matter of minutes.

"…And off."

Renji collapsed as the vibration dissipated. Laying on the floor his mask crumbled away and he was left shivering in a pool of his own vomit as blood slowly dripped from his nose and ears.

"That was setting 1. Quite an effect, it would appear. Shall we take it up to 2?"

"Let us access him first."

Renji saw boots approach in front of his face, before he was rolled onto his back and a small light was shined into his eyes as he was examined like a frog on a dissection table.

"Hn. That's not desirable is it? This won't due."

"Should we adjust the settings or…?"

"Yes. I will do it momentarily. Abarai-kun, lets talk. How do you feel? Do you feel angry?"

Renji whimpered. He didn't want to think. He felt cold… so cold.

"…Rukia…" he heard the simple name escape his lips as he abandoned the grip on his own mind. 'You can have it… I don't want to be here anymore…'

The hallow didn't answer. He was greeted by silence, and for once he felt saddened for that… So he was alone now… Truly alone.

"Rukia…" he repeated absently.

"Who is he asking for?"

"Rukia… Kuchiki? I know who she is. The adopted sister of Kuchiki Byakuya."

"Ah. It would seem our little hallow has a soft spot then." The scientists chuckled at this and Renji vaguely felt himself being shuffled around and again placed in chains. He didn't struggle. He barely even blinked. He felt empty… and so cold.

"Lets go for lunch shall we? About that time."

"It's been an overall good day."

"Yes yes!"

The fading footsteps of his captors was little consolation to the overwhelming loss of purpose that was encompassing his insides like a rampant virus. He felt like something great was lost. It was as if he had lost what he believed in… what he stood for… who he was… Abarai Renji. Who was that man? Did he ever really know to begin with? He felt… hallow…

**A/N - Thanks for reading. Reviews are loved 3 Thanks.**


	8. The Missing Parts of Me

Chapter 8

"Ow-ta-ta-ta!" came Rukia's feminine voice as she argued with the thick bushes.

"This is nuts…This sensor goes on and off more than a stripper's panties." Ichigo snorted as he pocketed the irritating device they'd been relying on.

Rukia yelped as he released a tree branch he'd pushed aside. "Baka! You did that on purpose!" she screamed as she quickly stood up.

The boy sighed in aggravation, "Can't you stop complaining and focus for a bit."

"I'm not complaining!" she objected stubbornly.

"Fine, look, I think the location is solid. Every time it pops up it seems to be at the same coordinates." Ichigo mumbled as he continued to push through the undergrowth.

"And… the sensor… it only picks up anything when Renji is… changed…" Rukia asked almost timidly to the boy's back.

The substitute shinigami nodded.

Rukia was quiet. She still found it hard to believe that Renji had really done all those things they'd said he'd done. She had yet to see him as anything but himself. She'd seen him a lot of things in the past, but this one would be new, and perhaps frightening.

... ... ...

Night had fallen and the crickets chirped loudly through the crisp air. Ichigo put out a hand to stop the girl beside him and her wide eyes rose to his face anxiously. "Look." he whispered as he crouched a bit.

Rukia's eyes narrowed as they found themselves at the enemy's doorstep. A man walked, dragging a maimed looking corpse by the arm, out into the woods. She felt a spiny fear jump into her throat and lodge itself there. She couldn't see in the dim moonlight… the body only had the familiar uniform of a shinigami. "Renji…" she whispered. She wanted to go. She wanted to attack the man and see for herself, to prove to herself, that it was not her friend's body being discarded into the forest like a bag of trash. However, Ichigo's firm hand on her shoulder prevented her from moving forward.

The man returned empty handed and disappeared in winding roots of a huge barren tree. Ichigo released her shoulder and finally stepped into the small clearing where the big tree was. He seemed nervous and gently, perhaps unconsciously, he took her hand in his and walked toward the place the man had discarded the shinigami's body.

Rukia swallowed as it came into view through the darkness. She audibly sighed in relief when she saw the hair was brown and cut short. She turned into the boy's side and clasped his uniform, shakily.

"It's alright. We'll save him." he reassured her as he rubbed her back briefly.

Quietly, they snooped around the big tree where they'd seen the man disappear. Their base was undoubtedly well hidden from prying eyes; even this close it was hard to tell there was anything here except an old dead tree. Rukia paused between two of the huge roots. "Footprints" She whispered to the orange-haired boy as she knelt to observe them closer.

As Ichigo came to her side, he noticed a slight outline of light in the dark shadows of the roots. Giving the wood a push, a door revealed itself as the roots opened up into dimly lit a hallway. He and Rukia glanced at one another before descending into the depths of the tree's underground.

... ... ...

There was not a soul to be seen. Halls extended in every direction and rooms with heavily barred doors and glass rooms were among the things they came across. Ichigo had his sword ready should they run into anyone… or anything unpleasant. He glanced at the tracking device again… nothing.

Rukia stopped as they entered a room with a huge computer and control panel lining its walls. The chairs were empty, but through the thick glass on the right side of the room she saw a girl curled in the corner. She placed her hands on the glass as she watched the girl, starving and bloody. She seemed so blank as she sat… as if she didn't care… as if she'd given up. The monitor to the left beeped steadily with her heart rate, and Rukia frowned.

Ichigo clenched his fist, "We can't leave her here like this."

Rukia put her hand on his, "We have to. The Gotei 13 will save her once I report in the location… but they won't save Renji."

He frowned and lowered Zangetsu with an understanding nod.

... ... ...

"Renji" Ichigo said as the pair rounded a corner into another corridor. They could see the lights bright ahead and a man's shadow cast against the wall. The murmur of heated voices echoed quietly off the cold stone walls. Renji's reiatsu was fluctuating slightly as the pair hurried toward the room. They stopped just outside, listening to assess what they could of the situation before moving.

"Now, now. There's no reason to shout." the first man's voice was nasally and a bit awkward.

"I can't believe your incompetence. I trust you haven't killed him yet."

"Come on. It's perfectly fixable. Don't get bent out of shape"

"I built this machine, you know! This isn't about whether it's fixable. Aizen-sama is expecting results! If you've set us back with your tinkering, Yazir, so help me!"

"Zaidel, its fine! I'll fix it!" Yazir reassured the other man.

"Look at him! It's not fine! It's going to be another week before he'll be able to undergo the procedure again! It should have been done tonight!" Zaidel yelled as the sound of papers flying fluttered out the door.

Rukia frowned to Ichigo mouthing the name 'Aizen' to him questioningly and he clenched his sword in preparation to strike.

The room abruptly grew quiet and Rukia and Ichigo went stiff.

"Giljano?"

Suddenly an arm swung around the door frame and smashed into Ichigo's neck, making Rukia jump back in shock as the stone wall cracked and chipped under the colossal strength. Ichigo gagged as he struggled to free himself.

"Ichigo!" Rukia cried as she drew her sword and attempted to slash at the arm restraining him, but before she could the wall crumbled away and a muscular looking arrencar stepped forward from the rubble, holding Ichigo firmly against his chest. The two scientists that had been arguing stood a small ways behind it, observing in apparent surprise.

Ichigo growled as the mask overtook his face and he hit his attacker hard in the gut, sending him back a good ways so he could right himself, "Find Renji! I've got this guy" he barked.

Rukia gave a curt nod and rushed past the pair as they began to brawl in the seemingly fragile hallway. The room was familiar, like the others with the computer and control panel, however she froze as she laid eyes on the person that was strung up on the other side of the glass. His face… his eyes… barren of any emotion. That wasn't like the passionate, feisty Renji she knew. Why hadn't he reacted to her? He was looking right at her but still it seemed as if he could care less… "What have they done to you?" she whispered with a wrinkle in her brow.

The scientists looked mortified, "What the hell are they doing in here?"

"Never mind what they're doing here! They're going to bring the whole structure down on top of us!" The other one yelled, "Giljano! You can't fight in here! Take him outside!"

"Yes Sir" The brutish arrencar said before he grabbed Ichigo around the waist and bolted out of the underground so quickly, Ichigo could barely react before he was out under the night sky.

"Hold it, girl." Zaidel snarled down at Rukia as she spun around and raised her zanpakuto angrily.

"What did you do to him?" She demanded, pointing her weapon at the man's throat. "Change him back to normal!"

The scientist raised his hands in surrender as the blade was directed at him, "I'm afraid that's impossible."

"LIES!" She screamed and inched forward until the snow-white blade touched his skin.

"He's not the same man anymore, no matter what you do; you won't be able to fix him." Zaidel said calmly as he looked down the blade at the deeply upset girl on the other end, "He'll only be a danger to you if you try to take him now. He's not a Shinigami anymore. He's a Hollow."

"I'll kill you for this." came her unnaturally malicious voice as blood trickled down the tip of her sword.

Before anything could happen Rukia heard a thump and immediately felt a sharp pain in her chest. She grabbed at it, her hand clasping around a metal dart that she rapidly pulled out. It was all the time the scientist needed to knock her blade to the side and tackle her. She grunted as the man's superior weight crushed her to the floor. She tried to fight, but she suddenly felt very dizzy. 'Shit' was the only coherent word she knew at the moment.

"Thank you, Yazir." The man on top of her said calmly as he got off of her and yanked her up by her neck. He smashed her against the glass with a sneer on his lips, "Stupid girl. No brains at all. And you're masked friend out there will be finished soon enough as well. Pathetic fools."

She tried to speak, but only heard herself moan unintelligibly.

"Hm. That dose was meant to incapacitate your mindless friend in there, and you're probably a third his size. You might just die from that, you know." he said as he leaned in to her face with a smirk. "Though it would be an awful waste, don't you think?" he said as he idly let his hand wonder to the inside of her shirt, and cupped her small breast with a greedy hand. She moaned in protest and he laughed spitefully against her ear. "Let's go see Abarai-kun shall we? Yazir, the counter-agent."

The other scientist nodded and rummaged through a drawer briefly before handing Zaidel a syringe. She whimpered as he injected her with the drug and proceeded to haul her into the room where Renji had been watching calmly from his bonds.

Rukia felt the fog around her mind clearing as she saw Renji's impassive face looking down on her, an apparent hole presenting itself over his heart. The scientist held her arms securely as she looked up at him and felt afraid… not of him, but afraid for what he had lost. He didn't care. His eyes were so dull and as empty as the hole in his chest. She blinked the moisture away that threatened to spill from her eyes.

"Don't you have anything to say to him? Didn't you come all this way and go through all this trouble to save him, girl? And now?" He mocked her, "Nothing? Not even an apology for failing so miserably?"

"Stop it." She barked at him angrily.

"Ha! So now you finally understand, do you? We're reprogramming him, you see." He said smugly as Rukia's eyes widened in shock, "He's a blank slate right now, but once we're finished, he'll be the perfect soldier. All the colossal powers of an espada and the mindset of an ant." he laughed.

"An ant?" Rukia frowned deeply as she continued to stare at the chained man in front of her and try not to scream.

"He'll have no will of his own, and let's face it, your man was never the sharpest tool in the shed, so I probably did him a favor wiping his mind clean and giving him the wits of a super computer. He'll be loyal to a fault."

"He already was!" She shrieked as she flailed wildly against the man restraining her, writhing and thrashing like a worm on a hook. "Let go! Let go, you son of a bitch!"

Renji's flinched at the commotion, but it went unnoticed by either of the two in front of him.

"Enough of this!" The man snarled as he threw her to the ground and straddled her, keeping her wrists bound securely under his knees, "You're one mean bitch, but you've got me all hot and bothered, little one. Why don't we give Abarai-kun a little show?" he said as he ran his lecherous tongue up the side of her face.

Rukia screamed and tried desperately to free herself, but he restrained her small, feminine form easily. She could feel him pulling her clothes open, running his hands over the small swell of her breasts. She continued to resist even as she felt his disgusting mouth latch onto her sensitive nipple with a moan. He bit her as she continued to struggle and she cried in pain as she felt the tears brimming her eyes. She looked at Renji as the scientist hurriedly worked to open her hakama along with his belt. He was watching them, still and quiet. Rukia felt her bottom lip quivering as she stared back at him at a loss. "Renji" she whimpered as tears finally spilled from the corners of her eyes down the sides of her crinkled face.

In an instant chain links shot across the room like shrapnel and the scientist screamed in horror as he was picked up by the back of the head, and dangled in the air at least two feet from the ground. Rukia scurried backward across the floor, until she bumped into a wall, her eyes wide and frightened.

"Abarai! Ah! Ah! Yazir! Yazir! The tranquil-" The man was silenced as Renji's hand closed around the back of his skull. A disgusting sounding pop was heard as the man's head busted like an overripe melon. Rukia was mortified.

The other scientist ran in with the tranquilizer gun, his eyes wide in shock as he saw what had become of his colleague. Renji's eyes went to the man in the doorway as the gun was directed at him. And he swiftly used the dangling corpse in his hand to block the darts. The gun shot four times before it began clicking and Yazir screamed as he turned to run, but was cut short as the other man's body all but splattered against the control panel in front of him and he felt his stomach scream in mortifying pain before he flew face first into the floor. He saw the fiery hair of the Hollow looming over him and he tried to get up and run again, but his legs would not respond, and as he looked down he let out a primal cry. His lower half was laying several yards away on the other side of the room, where Renji has thrown it when he had ripped the man in two.

He wailed in horror as Renji turned and walked back into the room. Rukia gasped as he stepped back inside and his eyes fell on her. She felt herself trembling as he approached her, the horrifying pressure of his reiatsu pounding down on her like a vacuum. She couldn't breathe. Then like a switch had been thrown, it turned off, and Renji's eyes softened into something she found vaguely familiar. "Ru…kia…" He said slowly as he watched her. She felt her tears resurface as she looked down at the blood dripping from his fingers. Her hands went up to cover her face as she smothered a sob.

... ... ...

"Rukia!" Ichigo cried as he skidded to a halt at the smashed up doorway. His mouth fell open as he saw the slaughter and he felt all the blood leave his face when he didn't get an answer, "RUKIA, ANSWER ME!"

"Ichigo" came a soft reply. The boy jumped over the dismembered body and ran inside the room with the glass wall, seeing Renji immediately, and Rukia at his feet he gave a sigh of relief. "What…" happened, he was going to ask, but he quickly saw Renji's bloodied hands and concluded. He swallowed, hoping to god the Hollow wasn't in control.

"Ichigo… lets go, please." Rukia said softly.

The boy frowned as he noticed her clothes were barely clinging to her, "Okay…" he said, seeing her obvious upset. "Renji?" he asked to his friend's back.

The red-head didn't react; he merely continued to watch the crying, half-clothed girl at his feet. He stood over her like a statue, but Ichigo was reluctant to get any closer to either of them, feeling slightly threatened by Renji's demeanor.

"He's…not Renji." came Rukia's quivering voice, "He's a Hollow."

... ... ...

"Unbelievable. I'd read articles, but I had no idea the technology was actually-"

"This isn't the time to admire their work!" Ichigo snarled.

Urahara jumped slightly, "Ah. Yes of course. Apologies" he muttered as he stood up from the now unnaturally docile Renji. "Well, I'm not an expert. His mind has been severely tampered with. There's no way to really be sure what will become of him at this point."

"So he could stay like this… forever?" Rukia spoke timidly as she sat at a distance from the three men.

Urahara looked over to her small form, having almost forgotten she was there, she'd been so quiet. "I'd say that is unlikely, but not impossible." he began, "You see what this technology entails is a block on the mind. It's not an erasure of the mind, per se. His mind is still in there, and it's possible that he even comprehends the situation he's in, but the block causes an inability to act on the conscience mind's decisions."

"But he did act!" Rukia objected, "He killed those scientists! He… killed them so easily." she trailed off.

"It takes several sessions, from what I understand, to fully impose the block, however, I recall some notes that said even with a fully imposed block, it was possible for some dominant aspects to re-channel through different parts of the brain, and re-impose conscious decisions from the subject."

"What the hell does that mean?" Ichigo asked with a befuddled twist on his lips.

Urahara sighed, "It means that if the emotion is strong enough Abarai-kun might be able to act on it. The brain will re-wire in order to achieve action." Urahara spoke as he seated himself at the table and picked up his cup of tea, "You said he acted before, then he must have done just that."

Rukia frowned as she watched him staring blankly ahead, "And what of the Hollow?" she asked as her eyes drifted down to the hole in his chest.

"The block should be nondiscriminatory. The Hollow in him is locked away, just the same. The only thing it seems they wanted from him was the pure loyalty of a vizard, and none of the complications. Dangerous work, really. Like playing Russian roulette" Urahara said as he took a sip of his tea.

Ichigo rubbed the back of his neck as he turned away, "If he ever does come around… It might not even be him. It might be the hollow's personality that is in control…"

Urahara nodded, diverting his eyes, "It's highly possible…"

Rukia hid her face in her knees and whimpered softly.

The shop manager frowned, "You're both probably tired from your ordeal. Why don't you both rest? I'll see what I can do for Abarai-kun."

... ... ...

It had been two days and Renji was largely the same as when he'd first arrived. Rukia had somehow managed to walk him to Urahara's, but he'd responded little to any outside influences since his arrival. Urahara had told them he probably wouldn't respond too much. He explained it as trying to use a computer with no operating system.

In truth, Rukia hadn't really been with him much since his arrival. She felt… somewhat afraid of him, and it saddened her. Renji was a constant in her life she had never before been afraid of. He was someone she could always turn to if she was in trouble and would never turn her away. It disgusted her to now have the feeling of fear in her chest every time he was close to her. She just couldn't chase away the images of him killing those scientists so effortlessly and the horrid feeling of his suffocating reiatsu. It's true she'd seem him kill people before… They were not only soldiers, but as children they had had their share of dirty tasks. Even then when they would walk away with crimson dripping from their finger tips, she was never hesitant to hold onto his bloody hands. The way his eyes would follow her… and the emptiness behind them… She hated herself for feeling that way, when he so desperately needed her support.

Urahara and his gang were out on an errand and she and Ichigo sat on the porch while Renji remained secluded in his room, where he'd more or less been for the past two days. Ichigo had seemed a little down, himself, and Rukia had remained close to him, seeking comfort, or perhaps just trying to distract herself from her own inner turmoil. Either way, it seemed he needed the solace just as much as she did.

"You haven't really spent much time with him…" He said as they both looked out at the pink and orange hues of the falling sun. "Aren't you worried?"

The petite girl sighed as she looked away, tilting her head sadly, "I am… It's just… It's complicated." she muttered.

The teen pursed his lips, "He probably doesn't think so right now… I think it would mean a lot to him if you would stay with him a bit."

Rukia frowned as she turned back toward him, "Can we not talk about this… I'm… I'm just tired of all this. I don't want to think."

Ichigo seemed disappointed in her, but didn't reply. He could sympathize with her… after she'd told him the entire story of what had happened. He was thankful Renji had somehow gotten the will to stop that man. In all the madness and all the hopelessness that was probably consuming him, Rukia's desperation was still enough to pull him out of the stupor. That alone, gave Ichigo hope that somehow he would make it through… he only hoped Rukia would somehow see that as well.

He was pulled from his thoughts when he felt the warmth of her press up against his side. He glanced at her small form, noting her blouse was dipped rather low, and he blushed despite himself. "I thought we went through this…" he muttered trying to act cool.

"Went through what?" she said sounding annoyed. She grabbed his arm and put it around her as she curled up to him, tucking her head against his chest.

The boy exhaled a breath he hadn't realized he was holding and allowed his hand to close around her bare shoulder. They sat there like that for a time before he finally spoke, "Rukia… I don't-"

She interrupted him, "Shaddup, you idiot." she growled, "I just want to be held… is that too much to ask?"

He was slightly surprised at her outburst, but then he creased his brow in a pout as he heard the sadness in her voice… she didn't like to appear weak. He, at least, wouldn't turn her away when she needed to cry on someone's shoulder. He squeezed her a bit, to let her know he was there and he had her.

It seemed like forever before her tears abandoned her and she was left with only Ichigo for company. He was warm against her cheek and she could hear the soft drum of his heartbeat. When she lifted her head from his chest, his eyes met with hers' and there was a knowing moment that passed between them. She reached up and took his face between her small hands as she got to her knees. Ichigo seemed uncertain, but as their lips met his eyes closed and he held onto her with newly kindled ardor.

As the light slowly faded over the horizon, the pair sat kissing in the dark, oblivious to anything except each other. However, as Rukia laid back and allowed a somewhat zealous Ichigo to kiss along her collar bone, she found a pair of eyes watching from inside the house. She nearly shrieked as she sat up in a start, "Renji!"

Ichigo grabbed his mouth in pain after taking a shoulder to the face, but managed to turn and see the red-head standing a few yards away, staring. They both found their feet seeming surprised that Renji had actually moved about on his own and that he happen to appear at such a particular moment… it was awkward to say the least…

When he began to step toward them, the same deadpan expression on his face, Rukia tensed at once. Red eyes were fixed on her and when he reached a proximity she finally stepped back from him. He stopped. The confusion and sadness in his eyes were lost on her as she trembled in his presence. When he turned his head and his eyes met with Ichigo's, the boy immediately felt the icy fingers of guilt grip him. Renji stared into his eyes with such intensity he had to look away. Since his return, the man had not shown even a shred of emotion, but the look in his eyes now… no words need be said.

His hand moved and Rukia fell back with gasp. The red head stared at her, his mouth falling ajar just barely. He grabbed the empty Hollow in his chest and for a moment his brow creased as he stared intently at her. His hand patted the hole as if he wanted to draw her attention to it, but she didn't seem to understand. Finally, he stepped again, passing between the two and descending the stairs of the porch. The darkness took him from their eyes, and Ichigo leapt from the porch as he realized.

"Renji wait! Where are you going?"

_A/N: yay more angst. Renji's gonna go cut his wrists now..._

_R/R PLZ _


	9. Who I Really Am

Chapter 9

As Ichigo stepped onto the porch, wiping the water from his face, another flash of lightning light up the sky behind him. He cursed as Rukia ran up to him, worry in her tired eyes.

"Nothing?" she said with a pout on her lips.

The soaked shinigami shook his head as Ururu walked up and handed him a towel. "Thanks" he uttered, moving to wipe his face.

Rukia frowned and plopped down, facing out toward the storm, "It's nearly morning. It's been three days…" She hugged her knees into her chest. She felt horrible. "This is my fault."

Ichigo coughed lightly as he sat beside her, "its not." he said wiping himself down, "Don't worry. We'll find him." He was worried. It's like he'd just vanished. No reiatsu, no nothing. This torrential downpour didn't help the situation either… wherever Renji was, he at least hoped the man was dry.

Urahara appeared at her side with his hands resting atop a large umbrella. He looked down at her and she sighed as she stood, taking the yellow poncho he offered her and pulling it on. She then grabbed the umbrella and nodded to both of them before heading back out to continue the search.

... ... ...

"Renji!" the cry barely echoed through the roar of the rain. "Renji!" it came again. "Renji, please! Answer me!"

The rain saturated his loose mane of red hair as he sat still, propped up against the wall. The alley way was dark and a stream ran down the center toward a drain that bellowed in his ears. The water washed over him as he stared at the angrily rolling pool in front of him listening to the faintly calling voice in the distance.

Things were becoming clearer… slowly, but it was happening. It had been hard; trying to move, trying to listen, trying to think. Making decisions, even simple things like scratching his arm, or rolling over, took him tremendous will-power in the beginning. He still felt empty and lost, but at least he recognized that he felt that now.

"Renji!"

That familiar voice was closer now. He could go to her if he wanted to, but he lacked that particular inclination right now. She was, after all, afraid of him. The way she'd looked at him before, he could recall it like it was a painted picture in his mind. Tears. Fear. Reluctance. Who was he? Why was she so afraid? He traced the hole in his chest with slow, tedious circles as he recalled images of her face. Rukia. Her name was there in his mind, pictures of her, like a photo album he went through them. Her smiles were the ones he lingered on the longest.

His tongue came out to lick the trickling droplets from his top lip as she cried out again. He turned his eyes toward the end of the alley as her calls grew nearer. He remembered her face as she was kissing the boy on the porch. He could see the affection, the trust and contentment on her features. He could recall the familiar young man suckling on her porcelain neck. He could see it so closely in his mind that their body heat wisped over him, and it hurt somehow. He knew her, but he didn't know himself. He didn't even know what he wanted, or why. To touch her, the way that boy had been touching her, to taste her succulent skin, made his stomach tingle with butterflies.

As the strained voice arrived at the end of the alley way, he saw her tiny form, wrapped in her yellow poncho and holding an oversized umbrella. He looked for a moment through the corner of his eye, but inevitably turned his head away.

... ... ...

Her voice was hoarse from calling, soaked and cold, she was about to go back when she saw the subtle movement in her peripheral vision. She stopped and looked hard through the fat raindrops, calling the questioningly.

She was unsure for a moment. It looked like a figure sitting there, but it was hard to make out. She stepped forward into the alley way cocking her head to the side and squinting against the rain and darkness. "Renji, is it you?"

She was almost upon him when suddenly he stood, his towering height emphasized by her petite form. She almost stepped back, as fear clattered her bones. She saw the deep crimson locks dripping generously and realized then that it was indeed him.

He turned his head and she laid eyes on the well-known face of her life-long friend. He didn't look mad, or sad, or anything really… blank and placid. She still felt as if she didn't know him. The fear lingered in her mind, but she hammered it down and forced herself to stay here in front of him, and remain calm. "Come home, Renji." she said softly. She pried her fingers from the umbrella's handle and reached out, offering him her hand. Home had always been a relative term to Renji. He'd told her once before that home was wherever his friends were and that his home had always been a place she carried with her… she knew he probably didn't remember any of that, but maybe something would spark.

The Hollowfied shinigami stared at the outstretched hand as the rain continued to pound down over him. When he didn't react she finally spoke again, her voice wavering and raw, "Please."

Scarlet eyes watched her so diligently, the trembling of her fingers, the tiny quivering of her lips, the nervous darting of her eyes. He blinked the rain water from his eyes and turned away.

"Please don't leave… talk to me. I need to hear your voice…" she whimpered at his back as her outstretched hand dropped to her side.

He paused as he absorbed her words, "Rukia." he said softly and she seemed to tense in anticipation. He turned halfway back to her so that she was again in his sights, "I know you."

She pursed her lips in an awkward smile and nodded, "I… know you too."

There was a pause before he spoke again, "I don't." His voice was flat and strange to him.

She frowned at his words, "Renji… I… I'm sorry." She lowered her head as she apologized, feeling all the fear she'd had abruptly slough off. She felt silly now, as she finally saw him. He was here all the time, lost and waiting for her.

She looked up when she felt the warmth of his fingers slide up along her damp cheek. He moved the wet strand of hair that clung at the corner of her mouth, and her wide violet eyes watched his face pensively.

"I… forgive you." came his raspy, yet comfortingly familiar voice. He didn't really know why she was apologizing, but he would forgive her, if only to gaze upon her perfect face a bit longer.

She smiled and brought her hand up to grab his' softly and pull it from her cheek, "You always do."

... ... ...

"Abarai! Nice to see you again!" came Urahara's chirpy voice as Rukia stepped in with the dripping wet Hollow in tow.

Ichigo came galloping down the hall as he heard the voices. "You found him!" he cried with a relieved smile on his face.

Renji was quiet and diverted his eyes as the orange-haired boy entered the room.

Rukia smiled back to him as she removed her soaked poncho, "He was over on Ninth Street huddled up in an alley way." she said not noticing as Renji coyly clung to the back of her sleeve.

"Seriously? So close?" he shook his head and disappeared into the hall for a moment before returning with two towels. After handing one to Rukia he held one up to Renji, "Missed you, dude," he said to the taller man. "You wanna dry off?" Even though he knew Renji wasn't really all there, he tried to coax a response out. Surprise gripped him when the soggy red-head reached out and took the towel.

"Ah… Renji, are you… Is your head okay?" he mused as he watched his friend in amazement. His question answered itself however when a fist flew into his face causing him to fly back over the wooden table with a loud crash.

"Renji!" Rukia yelled in repremand as the red-head lowered his hand with the towel and seemed to slink back, "I wanted to do that…. for some reason."

Ichigo sat up from behind the table with a groan, holding his face, "Jerk… I liked you better when you were stupid."

... ... ...

He had his eyes tightly closed as Rukia was kneeling in front of him, rapidly drying his head with a towel. She let the towel droop as she stopped to assess if he was dry enough or not and ultimately decided that he was.

Renji was quiet and his eyes were downcast as she sat back on her knees looking at him. His eyes were still very strange and unreadable to her, but she was happy at least that he was improving. He seemed like he'd lost a lot of weight, perhaps he was a bit paler than usual as well. His long hair was tussled and spilling all over his shoulders and face, and she had noticed he had a bit of stubble poking out where he would have normally kept it trim and clean. She sighed as she got to her feet and left to retrieve somethings.

Renji looked after her seemingly unsure, but upon her return he again felt at ease. "Let's fix you up a bit." she said as she laid a pile of things beside him. "Here. Change out of your wet clothes."

He looked at her face, and then to the clothes. Slowly, as if he were thinking he picked them up and stood. Watching them in his hands for a moment before letting them tumble open.

"Go change… You can do it right?" she asked skeptically standing before him.

He turned and went into his room, and Rukia closed the sliding door behind him. She heard the thud of wet clothes hit the floor followed by a long pause and then the flap of moving fabric. She startled when she heard a loud thud. "Do you need my help?" she asked cocking her head toward the door.

"I can do it!" he said, sounding more like himself than she'd heard him in what seemed like ages. She giggled. He sounded like he was frustrated. There was a silence then and she heard him call her name meekly. She opened the door and saw him sitting there, his clothes twisted and muddled on him. His shirt was on backwards for one… She sighed and pulled it off, but gasped as she looked at him. His ribs were more prominent than she had been expecting. He'd barely eaten the first two days, and finally finding him again after these past three, she supposed it was to be expected, but still… It disturbed her to know how terribly he'd been treated… even at the Gotei 13 prison.

She shook herself from her thoughts and managed to get his clothes in working order. Happily, he'd managed the hakama himself, so she didn't have to see anything inappropriate… not that she hadn't seen him naked before, it's just… well, it was different to actually have to dress him.

As he sat on the walk path outside his room, not minding the rain pouring off the roof a few feet away, he kept his eyes trained on Rukia. She smiled sheepishly and blushed a bit, "Renji. You're making me nervous." Normally, she might have just elbowed him in the face and told him to knock it off, but he seemed so oblivious… child-like. She felt she had to be gentle with him… for now.

He gave a somewhat dejected sounding "Oh" as he looked away.

Rukia sighed as she grabbed the brush she'd brought earlier and stepped up behind him. As she ran the bristles through his tangled mane, he was eased into a tranquil calm. The small girl ran the brush through the fiery locks over and over until it was as slick and smooth as oil. Somehow it made her feel calmer as well. The scent of him was familiar and soothing. It was strange to think she knew his scent, but after sleeping next to him for the span of their childhood and being so near to him in the academy and with the Gotei 13, she could probably pick him out in a crowd on scent alone. Grabbing the rubber band on her wrist, she pulled his hair into the typical ponytail he liked to wear it in, and then came and sat down in front of him.

He felt the tail as if seeing what it was she had done, but then after realizing his hair was bound and not in his face anymore he nodded, "I like this." he said.

She smiled, "Of course you do. That's always how you wear it, even back when we were little"

As he was still admiring the ponytail he felt her hand on his face and immediately locked eyes with her. She sprayed a blob of white foam in her hand and then reached up and rubbed it over his mouth and chin. "Urahara doesn't seem to use it much so I didn't think he'd mind if I borrowed it for you."

He sat very still as she applied the foam, thinking at how it was familiar, yet he couldn't remember why. She had a cup of water and a razor sitting near his leg and scooted forward as she picked the razor from the cup and leaned in close to his face. He felt the razor slid across his skin as he watched Rukia's intense concentration. The metal blade swiped through the foam and then she dipped it into the water. It repeated until all the foam was gone and she picked up the towel again and wiped his face. He seemed entranced, watching every minute motion that played on her face.

"Not too bad" she said as she admired her handiwork, "I was worried they wouldn't be even." She wore a crooked smirk as she pet his sideburns. Suddenly she paused and leaned back a tad as she felt the heat of his breath on her cheek. 'Did he just lean in?' she thought as she now felt extremely awkward sitting between his legs. He didn't appear to be backing off either as she felt his hand creeping up her arm; something she not only found intimidating and strange, but incredibly embarrassing. Surely if he had his wits he wouldn't be doing this. She stood up, "I will go find you some food." she said as she stepped back from him.

Renji stared at her a bit puzzled but inevitably he nodded and she hurriedly trotted away. 'I wasn't supposed to do that.' His memories were fragmented as they flowed back into his jumbled mind. 'She is not mine to take.' He heard the whisper inside of his mind. '…but why?' he replied as he discovered the iron rule floating in his head. 'I want her. I want to be with her…What else matters?'

... ... ...

"I think it would be for the best." Urahara said scratching his prickly chin as Renji and Rukia sat beside him.

"Is this really what you wanna do?" Ichigo asked looking to the red-head for final approval.

"There's not really a choice," came Renji's rough sounding voice. "I appreciate everything you guys have done for me up til now," he said looking up from the table, "I know I been a real pain in the ass."

"You don't have to go, Renji." Urahara clarified as he looked at the much improved young man at his side.

"I know, but I want to." He stood and walked to his room to gather what little belongings he had.

"Renji," Rukia stood in his door with a slightly concerned look on her face, "Its still… It's too soon for you to be on your own yet."

He looked up at her with a stack of clothes in his hands, "I'm tired of being a burden, that's all. I can think straight, the hollow is gone, my chest is closed up. Everything is falling into place." he divided his attention between packing his duffle bag and talking to her.

"You don't know if it's really gone! It could come back," she argued. "What are you going to do if it comes back and you're all alone somewhere?"

After shouldering the bag he turned and put his hand on her shoulder, "I appreciate your concern, Rukia, but if I lose it again… you're the last person I want to be in my path."

Her expression softened as she looked into his eyes.

"Yeah. I'd roll you faster than a pair of dice at a craps game." he cocked a grin at her before side-stepping her imminent swing.

"Idiot! Where are you going to go? You've got no money! You don't even have a job anymore!" she growled as she stormed after him.

"You're not my mother, Rukia! I'll figure it out on my own. Worry about your own job, why don't ya? Stop worrying about me." he said with a curl on his lips

"I have to worry about you! You're an idiot! Idiot! Idiot! You don't even have Zabimaru with you!" she screamed at his back.

He stopped, "That… has crossed my mind…" Looking back over his shoulder, he saw the red-faced shinigami gritting her teeth at him. "You know, if it isn't too much trouble…" he began but was cut short when she ran up and kicked him in the back of his leg.

"Don't you even ask me to get him for you! They have that sword under lock and key! It would be too obvious if I took it! Are you sure your brain is really better?" she asked contemptuously.

He sighed, "…Forget it." In truth he was a bit reluctant to be off on his own. Rukia voiced his concerns loud and clear, but they weren't going to go away regardless of if he stayed or not. If he stayed with them it would only be a matter of time before soul society discovered his whereabouts. By then their loyalties would be in question and they would be facing charges of their own. He had to do this for their sakes… that was the convenient explanation he'd given them, and it was all true at the very least. The other reason that motivated him had to do with her, and how every moment he spent near her was torture.

His want for her was like a beating physical pain in his chest. How can the two things he wanted more than anything else in the world contradict each other so terribly; her happiness… and his.

To top it off, knowing the way she felt about Ichigo was like an extra slap in the face. He would not try to stop it, though. He promised himself, he would never be the one to hold her back, and it was a promise he had to keep, even if it meant letting her go. The only thing he had to do was nothing at all… Why did that seem like the hardest thing in the world right now?

... ... ...

"Hey." The substitute shinigami called as Renji exited the shop that had been his home for the past week and a half.

The red-head adjusted his gigai's headband as he turned to the voice.

"Listen." Ichigo began, "I know you're probably pissed at me-"

"I'm not." Renji said impassively.

The boy looked at him skeptically before scratching his neck and turning his eyes away, "Right well… take this." he said as he held out a wad of cash to the man.

Renji's eyes widened a bit, "What's this for?"

"Just take it. I'm trying to do you a favor."

The tattooed man reluctantly took the money, "You tryin' to buy me back with favors? Cause I told ya I don't care."

"I'm not doing it cause of that…You're my friend." Ichigo said a little embarrassed. "There's a place about an hour's drive from here. Me and my old man used to take my sisters for the weekend… It's a vacation house sorta thing…" He shoved his hands in his pockets, "Its empty this time of year… you could probably stay there if you wanted."

Renji nodded, "Thanks… Ichigo." He put a hand on the boy's shoulder and brought him in for a quick hug, which Ichigo returned with a light pat on the back.

He held out a torn piece of paper to the red-head, "Here's the address… The cash should cover the bus fare… The key's under the green rock in the garden window."

Renji took the paper and shoved it into his pocket, and then he nodded and stepped down from the wooden porch, "Seeya then."

**A/N: Thanks for reading, Reviews/Suggestions appreciated. And yes, I know Renji needs to just put it in already…. I'm biding my time…**


	10. The Crumbling Castle

**Chapter 10**

The door eased open with a low creak as the red head stepped inside the new place he'd be staying. It was stuffy and hot, but clean. He sighed as he closed the door behind him and proceeded to look around. It was quiet. He'd grown used to the quiet recently… not by choice… but the emptiness of this place wasn't lost on him. He glanced out the window at some children running down the street before resigning himself to a long night alone.

... ... ...

He cracked his eyes open as the persistent tapping echoed mercilessly in his aching head. He groaned as he rolled out of the damp bed sheets and groggily pulled his jeans on, knocking over an empty bottle on the night stand as he did.

"I'm coming," he growled as he finally got to the door and lazily undid the deadlock.

"Idiot! What the hell have you been doing?" Rukia's reprimanding voice rushed in at him.

Renji rubbed his eye with the heel of his hand as she pushed past him, followed promptly by Ichigo's lanky form. He closed the door before he trailed behind them, trying not to think much, particularly about them.

"Jeeze! It's like a sauna in here!" Rukia complained.

"I know." He replied blandly as he flopped down on the sofa, pulling his loose hair up off his neck with one hand.

"We only pay the ac bill when we're going to be here. Sorry, Renji, I forgot about it," Ichigo said pulling at his shirt collar.

The petite girl disregarded his topless form as she noticed something else lingering in the air. "Have you been drinking?" came her disapproving tone. "Where did you get money for booze, Renji?"

"I robbed an old lady on the streets," he said sarcastically. In truth he was still a little buzzed, but he really wasn't in any kind of mood at the moment to take being lectured. "Shit, how do you think I got it? I cut the neighbor's grass," he growled at her.

"You get a meager amount of money and you spend it on booze? You don't have that kind of luxury, idiot!" She barked back at him in strong disapproval.

In a flurry of motion, he flew off the couch and threw the coffee table out of his way as he grabbed her shirt collar and pulled her up to his face. "You think I don't know that?" he screamed in an angry frustration.

He felt Ichigo's hand squeezing his shoulder and he slowly turned his eyes from Rukia's startled face to Ichigo's stern one, "Ease up. You know we're not your enemies, Renji."

The red-head slowly looked back at Rukia with creased eyebrows before he lowered her back to the floor, "Sorry…" he muttered and walked away, returning to the sweltering bedroom and crawling back onto the bed.

"Is…" Rukia began, "Is it the hollow coming back?" she asked, looking up to Ichigo with dread.

The young man stared at the empty doorway, "No… I think… it's just him."

... ... ...

The small woman walked softly into the bedroom, observing his glistening back and the subtle rise and fall as he breathed. She stopped as she got to the foot of the bed and called his name quietly. He remained still and didn't respond.

"Listen," she said, "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I know you're still upset about everything… I was just worried these past two weeks at soul society… and this disappointed me..."

"It's not easy, Rukia." he said, his voice holding an obvious tone of despair that he could usually hide. "I… don't have anything left…"

The girl frowned as she watched his steady breaths become shaky and uneven. She stepped around to the side of the bed where his face remained hidden from her and put her hand on his quivering back. "I'm still here," she said somberly, "I'll always be here..."

He smiled in bitter irony before he lifted his head and sat up, "Sorry," he muttered, "still a little drunk..." With an audible sniffle, he used the back of his arm to wipe his face. As the bed shifted under her meager weight, he looked puzzled to find her kneeling in front of him.

With thin, nimble arms she protectively embraced him and he found himself immediately clinging to her with a hopelessly unquenchable desperation. He buried his face in her as her fingers stroked gently through his unbound hair. He could feel her heartbeat against his lips and he wept for the scornful taste of his forbidden fruit.

"I'll always love you, Renji. No matter what happens. You know that." Rukia said resting her cheek atop is shaggy head.

The damaged man bit his lip as he listened to her ignorant words._ 'You'll never love me the way I need you to...' _It seemed he was finally falling apart, and the irony was that it was from a poison that had been in his system for half a century.

... ... ...

Ichigo was pensive as he slid back from the doorway, moving to stand at an open window. Why was this so complicated? As if things weren't fucked up enough already, Renji's blatant denial was grating on his nerves. He wasn't even really that certain of what he, himself, wanted. Rukia had made her stand obvious, but did she know how Renji felt? What had gone on between them before? Had she rejected him? The boy wanted to know, but he didn't have the nerve to ask… Whatever Renji wanted, if he didn't make it clear, his window of opportunity was going to close for good… one way or another.

Ichigo sympathized with his friend. He felt bad about the whole Rukia situation, but at the same time a lingering selfishness prevented him from stepping aside. Yet he also wanted to stay close and keep an eye on the man, but his school and shinigami duties prevented him from doing so. The hollow had remained dormant since the escapade with the scientists, but Urahara was convinced this was the calm before the storm. They'd have to deal with that disaster when it happened, he supposed. Until then, Renji was a loaded gun that had to be handled carefully.

He heard the ting of the pair of syringes knocking together as he twiddled in his pocket. A precaution Sandal-Hat had insisted upon. He didn't like it though. In an alternate reality he could see himself in Renji's place; afraid, alone, unable to trust himself. His own hallow was under control for now, but late at night, when he was comfortably curled in his bed, he could feel the hollow's cold, pale hands at his throat; waiting for the time to strike when he couldn't defend himself. Perhaps trying to save Renji was really some twisted, selfish act of trying to save himself.

When Rukia emerged from the bedroom with Renji in tow, Ichigo was swiftly brought from his musings, "Ah, feeling better now?"

Renji nodded, pulling his hair up into a ponytail and securing his headband as Rukia moved to pick up a bag she'd brought in and forgotten about. "Come, Ichigo. Let's eat lunch." She dug through the bag briefly before handing the boy a bento box and then holding a white paper bag up for Renji to take. "Here's yours," she said.

Renji sat down as he explored its contents giving a small crooked smirk when he saw the golden teriyaki at the bottom. He'd been pretty hungry these past days, so the indulgence was a welcome treat. Rukia always remembered his favorite foods.

The meal was cut short, however when Rukia's phone went off. She put down her mostly-empty plate as she pulled it out to look. "A hollow," she said drawing her brow.

Ichigo started to get up, but she pushed him back down abruptly, "I've got it." Renji scrambled to catch her gigai as she went into soul form. "It's pretty far off, so I might be a while," she called back as she hurried on her way.

"Pyon?" the gigai chirped as it looked up at Renji, batting its eyes sweetly. "Chappy! Hell no!" He quickly fished out the soul candy, much to Ichigo's relief.

Ichigo exhaled sharply, "I was afraid we'd be stuck with that thing until she got back… Thank God… Listen I'm gonna go see if I can get the AC working. This heat is intense," he paused before adding, "You… You gonna be okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be? I've been suffering through this for two weeks." Renji said impassively as he put the soul candy in his pocket and wiped the spit off his fingers.

The boy frowned slightly and shook his head, "Never mind…"

... ... ...

Renji sat there on the couch for a time, simply holding the petite gigai in his lap. It was warm against is already hot body, but somehow he didn't want to put her down. Scooping his hand under her knees he lifted the limp body and walked to the bedroom, laying her down on the bed gently. He stepped back as he stared at the motionless gigai, his mind swimming as his eyes took her in. He must have stood there gazing at her for five minutes before he finally crouched down next to the bed and timidly reached out to brush the hair away from her features. Her eyes were closed, and her mouth was ajar as his fingers reluctantly moved to those perfect glistening lips and traced their plump shape longingly. They were so soft. He found his tongue darting out to wet his own lips as he swallowed. The things racing through his mind made him want to scream 'no!' but he couldn't find the strength to banish them.

His index finger probed into the gloriously wet mouth as it had done moments earlier, however for a vastly different reason. He felt the heat spiraling through him, more severe that it had been since he'd arrived. The sweat dripped from his headband as he focused on the soft feel of her tongue against the pad of his finger. He didn't like to think of himself as a pervert, but he couldn't deny how many times he'd fantasized about being inside that tiny wet mouth of hers. He let out a small, breathy whimper as he adjusted his jeans, trying not to notice the obvious tightness. Instead he removed his finger, letting his hand wonder down her thin, delicate neck, leaving a trail of wetness where he touched.

Eventually, his legs forced him up and onto the bed, where he crouched over her, feeling desperate and wrong as he stared down at the pristine face. His arms trembled as they held him up, planted on the bed on either side of her shoulders. He could feel sweat running down his cheek as he allowed himself to crouch closer, his face only a hair's width away from hers'. To taste her would be a crime in his mind, but to not, would take a resolve he no longer possessed.

They connected; his mouth covering hers' in an apprehensive but affectionate union. Then he parted from her, his eyes anxiously searching her face as if expecting the empty gigai to react to the offense. When it didn't, he nervously went in for another… then another… He licked at her parted lips, and boldly entered with a curious tongue as he moved his leg over her so that he was now straddling the tiny body.

Renji could clearly feel the throb of a demanding erection pushing against his jeans and he paused in thought for a moment, trying to grasp the reality of what he was doing. He swallowed as he lifted one hand and undid his belt. His eyes were wide and somewhat frightened as he stared down at the unmoving face of the woman he loved so much. Cringing in utter disgust at himself, he finally slid his hand in and grabbed his weeping dick, stroking it harshly as he buried his face into the nape of her neck and cried.

He'd never been as ashamed of anything as he was now in this one horrible moment. He wanted to be hurt, beaten, flogged for what he was doing right now, but all he could do was sob as he continued to ruthlessly pump his sweat-slicked cock.

After a few more agonizing moments he was able to bring himself to orgasm, spilling his heavy load onto the bed just beneath the juncture of her legs.

... ... ...

He lay there beside the abused gigai, watching her with unfocused, wet eyes. He was almost in a fetal position as his exhausted mind seemed to turn off while he absently stroked her hand with his thumb. He'd managed to close his pants back up, but the mess was still an obvious testament to his crime. He just couldn't muster the will to stand right now…

Ichigo hadn't been gone long after discovering the landlord's office to be empty he'd quickly made his way back to the house, and was now standing in shocked horror as he observed the scene before him. Renji's back was to him as he saw Rukia's gigai peeking from the other side of him. The smell was pungent and obvious enough, even if the large wet slick on the bed sheets wasn't a dead give away.

He scowled as he grabbed the man and viciously yanked him up by the neck, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" He screamed in the red-head's face, fist drawn and ready to fly.

Renji didn't fight back or protest as he was pulled up by the neck none-too-gently by an irate Ichigo. He only grimaced at the pain and remained faint, "Ichigo…" came his hoarse voice, "Hit me please."

The teen sneered as he shoved the disturbed man down into the side of the bed, causing it to shriek sharply as it slid back over the wood floor. "Have you lost your damn mind!" Ichigo yelled, noticing the obvious wetness under the older man's weary eyes. He was obviously outraged, but trying to keep his temper, despite that. "What! What the hell are you thinking, Renji?"

Renji's voice was quiet and dry when he finally spoke, "I'm losing it, Ichigo… Please… please don't bring her here anymore. I can't…" he trailed off.

The shinigami boy pursed his lips as he knelt down in front of his torpid friend. "You lied to me," he said indignantly, making Renji look up at him slightly puzzled, "You told me you didn't care. You stupid bastard, will you just tell her how you feel?"

The tattooed man squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head in objection, "I can't."

"Tell her- Or I will!" He growled out, letting his fist find the other man's chest.

Renji's eyes grew large as he looked worriedly at the orange-haired boy, "Don't, Ichigo!" he protested. "I don't want her to know!"

"Why!" came the irate reply.

Renji frowned and lowered his eyes, "We can't be together. I resigned myself to that a long time ago. Her knowing would only make it uncomfortable for us," he said sadly.

"Nothing is written in stone. Don't you think she should have a say in this?" Ichigo asked, watching as Renji gently rubbed his chest where he had punched him a second ago.

The red-head seemed reluctant to answer. "It's complicated…" he finally muttered.

"Not nearly as complicated as it will be if I get involved with her. You haven't forgotten that little tid-bit, have you?" Ichigo said sourly.

"I just want her to be happy…" his voice cracked, making the teen's face soften a tad, "She deserves… more than I can giver her. I promised myself that I'd never be the one holdin' her down, and I know you'll be good to her, Ichigo. You're a good man."

"Yeah, but…you're miserable like this…" Ichigo thought aloud as he watched his friend's furrowed visage.

Renji was quiet, "…I gave her up so she could become happy… but it's never effected me like this before. I've never felt so…"

"Desperate?" Ichigo offered.

Renji glanced at his face, "I was gonna say defenseless…" There was a pregnant pause between them before he spoke again. "I been keepin' her at arm's length for a long, long time," he began, "I seen her with other men before, I seen her get hurt, and I felt the hurt with her. When I seen her with you at Urahara's… I didn't know anything… 'sept that it hurt to see her in someone else's arms…"

Ichigo stood up with a sigh as he looked over at the girl's abused gigai.

"I just… wanted to know what it was like to kiss her… I didn't mean to take it so far."

The boy turned away, "I'd say… you should have asked her for a kiss, but I guess… there's no real harm done, is there?"

Renji's mouth gaped as he looked up at the boy's back.

"Spend some time with her, Renji," he said. "Take her somewhere nice. Maybe then you'll find your resolve… one or the other." He added, knowing it could go either way. "This is the last time I'm gonna push Rukia away for your sake."

... ... ...

"I wish Ichigo had come. He's really missing out. " Rukia said as she nibbled on her takoyaki. This Tanabata festival was bigger than the ones she traditionally went to, but she'd always loved Tanabata, and it was nice to see Renji enjoying himself.

The weather was a bit hot for July, and her yukata was clinging to her skin, making walking around the amusements less enjoyable. Renji was wearing a simple dark blue kimono as he walked at her side eating his dango on a skewer, making an awful mess… not unusual. She giggled as she watched him. "It's about to fall," she said just before one of the dumplings dripped off the skewer and fell onto the ground.

"Aw man…" he cursed as he looked down at the lost dumpling.

"That's your forth one. I think you can afford one loss," she smiled as she reached up to wipe some sauce from his cheek.

He flushed as the napkin reached his face and shyly looked away, "So… what do you wanna do now?" The night was bright with stars, and they'd just about been around the whole festival.

"Let's sit" she said pointing to the grassy shore of the rippling waters that ran along most of the festival grounds. "Where's your tanzaku?" she asked, as they got near the water. "I think we can set them afloat now, don't' you?"

Renji nodded as he pulled the small piece of paper out of his kimono sleeve, "Yeah. I see some floating around already," he said as she happily set up the tiny bamboo craft on the water.

He handed her his paper and she added it to the small vessel before she set it down in the slowly moving waters. They watched as the small light drifted out over the dark water.

"So what'd you wish for?" she asked as they sat on the cool grass together.

"I'm not telling you!" he barked at her in disapproval.

"Oh C'mon! You told me when we were kids!" she said putting a hand on her hip as she turned to him, her violet eyes sparkling just as brightly as the night sky.

"I did not," he argued crossing his arms callously as he glowered down at her.

She giggled at this, "Yes you did." She smoothed her yukata down as she looked back at the water with a dignified air. "I remember," she began, "R-u-k-i-a -chan! I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours~" she mimicked in a sing-song voice.

Renji pursed his lips as he watched her, focusing more on how pretty she looked in the pale starlight than what she was saying. "A kiss," he heard himself whisper.

She looked at him a bit taken aback, "You remembered?"

He turned his face from her as he gave a curt nod, watching the number of lights floating out over the water slowly increasing.

"I never told you mine," she said as she pulled her knees up to her chest, seemingly a bit embarrassed about it.

He disregarded her coyness as he grew curious, "What was it?"

She smiled and looked away, "I wished… that I could be rich and live in a mansion." There was a pause before she spoke again, "I guess… in a way you gave me that without me even asking you for it, didn't you, Renji?" Her violet pools found him again, and in them he saw a softness that was rare in the usually guarded eyes.

The red-head was quiet when a sudden flash of lights lit up the sky as the fireworks show started. Rukia turned her eyes up, dazzled by the sparkles of colorful radiance swirling overhead. She barely took notice of the distorted reflection dancing at her feet.

"Thanks for bringing me to the festival," she said, watching the show with starlit eyes. "I miss coming every year like we used to."

Renji's somber eyes watched her diligently, drinking in everything with trembling resolve. She was beautiful. He yearned to touch her, but dared not disturb the contentment that was radiating off her form as she was lost in fireworks. He'd thought he could do it. He'd thought by her being there, just being herself, he would fall back into his natural rhythm of being with her without the need to affect her; but he was wrong. In this moment, his resolve was nothing but a crumbled pile of broken bricks strewn around a frail castle.

"Kiss me."

**A/N: Here. Have a cliffhanger. That's for never reviewing! Tsk tsk.  
**


	11. Nature of the Hollow

Chapter 11

Rukia's mouth fell open as she turned from the dancing fireworks to look at him, "…What was that?" she asked, knowing she must have heard wrong.

"I want…" he started, his voice uncharacteristically soft, "to kiss you… Rukia." Every nerve in his entire body was taut like a bowstring. Had he really just asked her that? She was watching him; staring back at him with wide, unfathomable eyes. He swallowed, as the heart-wrenching moment seemed to stretch on like an endless winter. Finally, when she could not respond to the arcane truth in his words, he closed the distance between them and claimed her defenseless lips with his own.

Renji could feel himself shaking with a mixture of adrenalin and fear, but all he could think of was the uplifting warmth flooding out from her. The booming echo of the fireworks was lost on him as he basked in the smooth, tender crease of her lips. Her heat, her flavor, everything he'd ever longed for pressed against his mouth; it was overwhelming him, but he didn't care. He couldn't bring himself to care about anything except keeping her there for him to keep breathing in.

It was like a fantasy he never wanted to wake from, however, a firm hand pushing against his chest rapidly pulled him back into the darkness of reality. He watched her face as he sat back, exhaling through his lips as his insides grew cold and rotten with dread.

She removed her hand and turned back toward the brightly light water, her face eerie and unreadable to him. His brow creased as he turned as well, pathetically trying to keep himself from trembling. Mahogany eyes hid themselves from her as he laid his chin across his arm, facing away from the unnaturally calm woman at his side. He was afraid to even look at her, much less speak… The irony of his bravery in battle was his cowardice of being rejected by this scrawny, little girl who had so callously stolen his heart. He'd easily prefer to fight an army of hallows than to be here, facing the terror of this moment.

"We should go. It's getting late." she whispered, sounding a bit detached.

He felt wounded, "That's it? Can't you at least…" his words trailed off and he sighed. "Never mind…" he finally said as he stood soberly.

"What the hell?" she finally burst out, "Just- Just what? What am I supposed to think of that? You're my best friend!"

He cringed as he faced the irate girl as she flailed before him in a flurry of unbridled emotion, "I know!" he screamed back, equally frustrated at the situation. A moment of silence passed before he spoke again, calmer this time, "I ain't askin' you for nothing', Rukia... and I never will."

She stared up at his crumpled face with a quivering bottom lip. She was trying to grasp him. She was trying to hold onto him so that she could again see the man she'd known practically her whole life, but she couldn't. This was someone else standing before her, and it bothered her to think that she couldn't understand him right now; him, who she had always understood perfectly. "Idiot! Just a kiss? You can't just…. You can't do that, Renji!" 'You can't kiss me like that and then say you're not asking for something! A kiss in itself is a request. It's a statement you make to tell someone that you want them. By making the statement known you are asking for acceptance, asking to be tied, asking to be loved. And you knew you were asking me that… Me! What in the seven hells are you thinking?'

The red head was still, "Sorry. I didn't… mean anything by it," he lied, "I guess it just felt like a date…" He was in hopes that he could play it down as a casual thing, even though it felt like his insides were ripping from the mere thought.

Rukia exhaled sharply at him before she turned and started to walk, "For the record, you're a pig." She hurriedly walked ahead of him, not really caring if he was following or not in that moment. She didn't really know what to make of him right now, but he was a sleaze if he thought it was okay to kiss her like that because 'it just felt like a date.' Renji fell behind as she hastily made her way through the fair grounds until she had finally lost sight of him. "Good riddance." She said angrily over her shoulder.

After a time, however she stopped and her shoulders began to droop a bit. Maybe she was over-reacting. It was just a little kiss… 'With my best friend,' she added mentally. 'Renji has been through an awful lot, maybe he's just lonely. At least I had Ichigo there… Aside from me… Renji doesn't have anyone…' She suddenly felt rather guilty as she mulled over just how he must feel. It was only a few days ago he was practically bawling his eyes out on her shoulder. She frowned as she recalled, placing a palm on her cheek as she looked back over her shoulder. Maybe this was more her being afraid and unsure rather than Renji being out of line. Her anger dissipated and now with a clear head, she turned around and began to go back for him.

Renji had followed after her at first, but as her rapid pace took her further and further ahead he finally stopped and let her disappear from his sights. Slouching against the side of a wooden booth, his mind was a blur. His worst fears had been realized, and he could only blame himself for making the wrong choice. "Idiot." He muttered, "Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!" He growled out as he grabbed his head in frustrated anger, gripping his hair harshly while he seemed to curl in on himself.

A sudden pulse flared through his body like a jolt of lightning and his eyes shot open wide as saucers as the horrifyingly familiar feeling settled in his chest. Then a new and unfamiliar pain gripped his torso with such heavy pressure he couldn't find his breath. Trembling, his hands flew to grasp his throbbing chest, while he hung his head and desperately gasped for breath.

People stopped as they saw the obviously distressed man. A woman approached him in concern asking if he was okay, but upon closer inspection, she hurriedly got out her cell phone and called for help.

Renji could barely hear anything save the roaring in his ears. This wasn't right. Something was very wrong. It had never hurt so horribly like this before… the pressure. He felt like he was going to rip open like a bloated corpse. He gagged as he sank to his knees, grabbing for the side of the building as he went down.

Rukia was looking around for her companion, but couldn't seem to locate him in the mass of people. However she abruptly felt the turbulent flare of his reiatsu and jumped in alarm. She immediately began to run toward it, seeing the red flames blazing frantically around his body as she located him. "Renji!" she cried out in panic.

His eyes darted to her concerned face and he cringed, feeling the swell of the hallow consuming him like a rampant virus. "Ru…ki…a" he whispered haggardly, "Run."

The petite girl stared at him, her visage clearly displaying the mixture of fear and utter helplessness she was feeling.

Blood spurted from his throat and splashed down his chin, "Run, Rukia," he said, louder this time. "Run away!" his screaming voice cracked just before a generous crimson fountain erupted from him as if every fiber inside of him had just been severed. The small girl yelped as she reluctantly did as she was told and ran as fast as she could away from the fair grounds, knowing she had to at least lead him away from the people. Red painted the ground and wall around him as the hollow forced its way out of the restraining gigai with a heart-piercing cry.

The lifeless body fell limply as the hollow sneered and stepped forward as the mass of people crowded around the discarded gigai. The hallow mask formed gradually as his blackened eyes darted to where Rukia had been standing a moment ago. He walked carelessly past the throng of meager bodies and followed the fresh scent that permeated the air like a trail of candy. She was in his presence at long last, and there would be absolutely no escape. As the sound of sirens wailed in the far distance, he leisurely strolled away in pursuit of his milk and honey.

... ... ...

Rukia panted softly as she cursed the sluggish gigai while nervously glancing over her shoulder. She didn't see him, but she also didn't hear or see any… disturbances that might be expected in his wake. Wherever he was, he wasn't hurting people- she could at least be thankful for that much. She panted as she turned back to the front, suddenly yelping as she collided with an iron grip harshly shoving her out of her gigai. The frightful, large hands held fast to her neck as she was forced backwards and her gigai toppled down with a thud. She looked up in alarm, helplessly pulling against the rigid grip at her throat, while her eyes brimmed with tears when she saw the mask that peered back at her.

She couldn't breathe through the malicious hand at her neck, and audibly choked as she felt her feet rise off the ground, bringing her level with the grisly black eyes of her captor. She felt her back connect with the jagged bark of a tree as his heated body crushed her against it.

He laughed a short, smug laugh as he opened his palm, allowing her to be supported by his angled waist. She immediately gasped and attempted to struggle, "Renji-" She began, but was hushed as he clamped his hand over her mouth.

"Hush," he growled, drawing her eyes to his exposed mouth. He leaned in close until she could feel the puff of his breath on her face, "Don't worry. I assure you I won't kill you that quickly. Not before I've had my fun… Rukia."

Her eyes darted to his ominous yellow and black eyes as he spoke her name. 'He knows me… he… followed me knowingly. Maybe if I can just talk to him he'll come to,' she thought, trying not to panic.

While one hand held securely to hers' the other released her mouth, moving slowly as the back of his fingers caressed her soft cheek. "You don't know how long I've waited for this." he whispered close to her lips.

She shuddered; a sudden dread hit her as she recalled the Renji of a short time earlier kissing her. 'Surely the hallow doesn't… want that…' She reassured herself, 'he raped Matsumoto.' a voice whispered in the back of her mind. "R-Renji please," she swallowed, "It's me."

He smiled, "Yes. That's why this will be so awesome… My Rukia…" His tongue flicked out and teased along the line of her lips, but she quickly jerked her head to the side, squirming against him with her free hand and attempting to use the tree as leverage against him.

He crushed her violently and allowed a giant red blaze of reiatsu to blast around him. "Don't think you can sway me with strength alone," he snarled, seeming to enjoy asserting himself over her.

She cried out as she managed to reach her sword and yank it from its sheath. The blade swung, not quite with the intent to kill; however, it was a futile attempt regardless of intent. His forearm stood in the blade's path, the metal bent against his raw skin. Rukia stared in shocked disbelief.

"I'm hurt, Rukia." he said disdainfully, "After all the time we've had together, you can point your blade at me with such cruelty." He grabbed the flimsy blade and yanked it from her hand, turning his head toward it as he abolished the offending sword in a red cero flare. Sode no Shirayuki crumbled away like ash as his hand opened up, empty in the cool night air.

She screamed in despair and helplessness.

"But I can be cruel too… just like you." he said as the milky-white mask turned back toward her.

She leaned away from his face until her cheek was flush with the arm still restraining her against the tree, feeling her emotions swell inside her. What could she do now, but hope Renji could overcome.

"Aw. I'm sorry, did I upset you?" he mocked, "Maybe you'd be happier if you could see my face; your best friend's face. Would that comfort you?" he asked and smiled ever so slightly as she looked at him almost hopefully. He pushed the hallow mask up, settling it to the side a bit as Rukia watched.

"It doesn't really matter, you know," he said, "He couldn't stop me, even if he wanted to."

Rukia snapped at this, "What do you mean 'if he wanted to?' Renji would never-"

"Of course he wouldn't!" He barked, "He's a coward! But then that's why he created me, isn't it?" His lips widened in an arrogant smile, "To do what he never had the gall to do… fuck you." he spoke as his nose brushed her cheek, almost affectionately. "He can't stop me, because this is what he wants, Rukia."

The distressed girl screamed at him, "LIAR! Renji is- He's a good person! He's a good person and you're the horrible one who's corrupting him!"

"You made it possible, Love." His harsh voice pierced her ears like needles as he yanked her by the hair until her neck arced back and she cried out in pain. "Allow me to thank you for that." he said as he latched onto her neck like a vampire while her tiny hands futilely struggled against him.

"Stop it!" she shouted as he parted her top and swiftly moved to grab one of her petite breast with a calloused palm. She whimpered at his bruising touch while blood trickled from her neck where he had brutally bitten through her tender skin. "Renji, please," she begged as she shivered terribly against him.

This only served to entice the hollow more, however; her soft pleading voice, the delicate trembling of her warm body, and the thick scent of her fear humid in the air. He jolted her against the rough tree again as he forced her arm out of her kimono sleeve and lifted her so that he could encircle her perky breast with a hungry mouth. She cried out as she felt his sharp teeth sink into her flesh and begin to suck greedily.

She felt feeble and lost, hoping desperately for a savior, but expecting none, " Ichigo… help…" She found herself calling for the dependable rescuer, but to no avail as the night remained silent except for the distant booming of the fireworks' finale.

She felt herself slip painfully down the bark and wedge up against his hips, as he whispered against her cheek, "No one can hear you. No one will come." He purred as he bit down on the shell of her ear while her clothes fell away at the will of his hands.

"Renji," she whispered sadly as tears stung her eyes, "save me."

The bruising touches of the crazed man ceased for a moment as her breathy words rang in his ears. "Hush!" he growled in a low, dangerous voice as he stiffened.

She could feel the sudden tension in him, his firm abs clenching against her most sensitive area. She felt hope swell in her gut, "Save me, Renji." she repeated, allowing her hands to wrap around his shoulders.

He shuddered, "I said enough!" he yelled as he threw an angry fist into the tree above her head and loomed over her threateningly, his eyes burning intensely. The large tree shifted and swayed as splinters fanned out from the impact. "I will not be ruled by a spineless cur! I am the king!" he snarled, obviously growing irate.

She didn't know if she was helping or hurting her situation, but she saw a shimmer of hope in the formerly spiteful eyes that peered down at her. "I believe in you."

"Enough!" he screamed loudly as he suddenly grabbed her neck and violently threw her as if he was throwing a rag doll. "Silence! I'll not hear it! I am in control!" he raged as he let his fist decimate the tree in a single blow, sending splinters flying in a furious barrage. She yelped and curled into a ball as the towering tree came toppling down in pieces around her. The thundering noise shook the ground and her heart as she felt herself pelted with branches. When the wreck ceased the only thing she could hear was his screaming. The hollow writhed in fury and anguish, its wails carrying through the night like the cry of a pair of brawling wolves.

Rukia sat up from the mess of debris around her, unknown pain shooting through her at the movement. She tried to stand, but her legs collapsed under her and she fell, only able to crawl from the vengeful branches as they attacked her naked, alabaster skin. When the hollow's infuriated screams died into mournful, tortured cries, she heard a shatter and the thud as he hit his knees.

He breathed haggardly, remaining still and dazed momentarily before he looked up in search of her. She was splayed on her front halfway concealed by branches as she stared back at him. Her eyes were wide and her breath was short and fast.

A moment of silence passed between them before finally his brow creased and he tore his eyes away. He could feel his lip quiver, "I'm sorry," he muttered, his words so horribly inadequate for how consuming his feelings were. "I'm sorry, Rukia" he repeated, "I'm…"

"Renji," she called sadly.

... ... ...

Wrapped in his kimono, her abused body shivered as he carried her down the desolate street. Her ankle was bloody and swollen, wrapped in a strip of fabric they had made due with. Neither of them had spoken much. Renji's conscience was swimming with unbridled guilt while Rukia was tangled in a mixture of shock and melancholy. She glanced up to his face periodically, gauging him, trying to understand, and trying to forget that same face filled with contempt and scorn, with eyes that burned holes through her like hot coals.

The hollow had been so in-tuned with her, obsessed with her… It frightened her, yes, but what frightened her now was the thought that Renji's damaged soul was born from her. She had always taken from him. Anything he had been willing to give she had taken, and until now she had never really been bothered by that. She didn't deny she was selfish, but they worked out so well because Renji had always been willing to give her what she wanted, even as children. She'd never really stopped to consider what he might want…or why he had always been so willing to bend over backwards for her.

The hollow's venomous words still singed her ears. It had been so bent on her, so resolutely set on her, it hadn't even attacked any of the people at the festival. She knew hollow behavior. Ever since her days at the academy, hollow psychology had been drilled into her head. It had always been easy to apply and make decisions accordingly. Hollows were base, simple, self-serving creatures, and they wanted the ones they loved above all else. All the simple lessons she knew and had applied in the field countless times before… were increasingly hard for her to apply here. Not because the situation was atypical or unconventional, but because if she applied her knowledge to this situation, it would mean Renji loved her much more than she had ever imagined.

**A/N: Thanks for reading. Reviews/suggestions/ideas appreciated.**


	12. A Man's Honor

**Chapter 12**

He stood in the doorway, eyes somber and dull as he watched the injured girl curled in the bed. He couldn't sleep. It was sweltering, as usual in the vacation house, and even though he'd opened the windows for her, he could still see the sheen of sweat on her bruised skin. Deep purple drew his gaze and made his stomach churn. He tore his eyes away from her, his stare falling on the silent cellular that layed on the night stand. She had insisted that they not call Ichigo over, against his better judgment. He wanted the boy to be here. He wanted anyone to be here; anyone that could stand inbetween himself and Rukia.

He'd wanted her to go. "Stay away from me," he'd said, "It will be better this way." But she'd brushed him off and complained that she'd have to go get her gigai in the morning, so there was no use in her making the trip all the way back to Ichigo's in the middle of the night. He didn't have the vigor to continue arguing with her, so he'd regretfully abandoned the dispute.

Her phone lay peacefully unguarded and his finger twitched as he quietly stepped toward it. His mind was jaded as he found himself trying to remember the man he used to be. The lieutenant of the sixth squad in the Gotei 13. He recalled being confident, proud, and happy… He could remember smiling for incentives long past, but no jolly thoughts could reach him now. Nor did he have any hopes that they ever would reach him again. His body was like a prison where he was forced to reside day after agonizing day, watching in nervous anticipation; waiting for the day when he finally lost all control and watched himself rape and butcher the girl he loved.

There comes a point when reality becomes too much; when living becomes too hard. That point had come and gone long ago for Abarai Renji, but he had fought on. The poison he'd been living with theses past months was unbearable, but he had always been the strong one. A dwindling hope and false security had held him up and been his crutch up until now, but now veracity blinded any delusions he'd been clinging to. Rukia and Ichigo had supported him, helping him see when he was blind and helping him walk when he was broken… but he understood now. Utterly. He was still a man, and as that he knew what he had do.

He picked up the phone, allowing Rukia one long glance before he retreated from the bedroom. The number was already programmed in to the phone as he knew it would be. He leaned against the counter before he sank down to the tile floor of the kitchen. The familiar number glowed softly in the darkness and illuminated the small area. He pursed his lips as his calloused finger lingered over the call button before he worked up the courage to press.

-Ring-Ring-

The line picked up and he heard a masculine voice, thick with the remnants of sleep answer. He opened his mouth to speak, but found his voice absent.

"Rukia?" he asked, concern growing.

Renji tried again, this time finding his words, "Taichou… I…"

The captain's tone grew grave, "Renji."

"I need your help… please," the ex-lieutenant whispered.

"Where is Rukia?" Byakuya asked sounding angrier than he usually let show.

"Rukia's safe for now. She's sleepin'. Trace the phone… and… bring Zabimaru please… I wanna… have 'im with me in the end…"

... ... ...

Morning was not far off when Byakuya finally arrived at the residence. He was alone, but carried an extra sword on his belt. Renji stood up from the kitchen floor, where he'd remained since he'd made the call.

"So you've made your peace, have you?" the captain said, sounding less than pleased.

Renji swallowed and set the phone down on the counter, "Ain't nothing' peaceful left in me 'nemore…" he muttered. "Can I see 'im?" He asked, staring at the sword affixed to his former captain's belt.

Byakuya was obviously distrusting of the red-head, but finally he reached, pulled the weapon from his belt, and tossed it on the floor in front of him.

Renji immediately reached down and retrieved it. The familiar friend seemed to radiate with joy as it was reunited with it's long lost partner. It was somehow reassuring to have the sword in his hands again, and, although his lips had forgotten how to smile, Byakuya could see the weight that was lifted from Renji's shoulders.

"Thanks, Taichou." he said softly.

"I'm not your captain anymore, Renji," The noble corrected.

The tattooed man nodded, "Yeah." He lowered the sword to his side and allowed a long moment to pass before he spoke again, "I don't wanna rot in that prison again." The captain remained silent and listened, "I hurt… so many people-"

"Seven dead and five wounded," Byakuya offered cruelly.

Renji cringed, "… I'm sorry. For you… and for Rukia," he added dejectedly.

"What did you do to her?" he scowled, growing a hint louder. He had been dreading this. It was the whole reason he had ordered her to stay away from the man, but she had stubbornly disobeyed him.

"I couldn't… I lost control… for a little while. She'll be okay, but…" He lowered his eyes in shame, "I don't want her to be exposed to this thing…. ever…" There was a long weighty pause before he finished, "I can die for her… but I can't keep living like this." Renji squeezed his eyes closed as he got down on his knees and bowed low in front of the dark-haired captain.

Byakuya's mouth fell slightly ajar as he looked down at the man at his feet and his eyes softened. "I will grant you a merciful death and allow you to depart with a shread of honor still intact," he spoke as he drew Senbonzakura from its sheath. "Have you anything to say?"

The ex-lieutenant felt the cool blade touch the back of his neck and pursed his lips, "Tell Rukia…" he paused, "… No… just keep her safe…"

The dark-haired captain drew his blade back and thrust down without delay, and a heart-wrenching scream tore through the building.

Wide, stormy eyes stared in disbelief, "Rukia."

The mortified girl lay sprawled across the red-head's frozen form, protectively clutching him as a trickle of blood wept from the blade's edge. Renji shot upright, grabbing the woman in alarm, "Idiot! What the hell are you thinking!" He shook her sternly while Byakuya sheathed his blade, shaking slightly in restrained anger as he glowered down at the pair.

"Y-Y-You," she stuttered out, "You bastard!" Her voice tore at his ears as she slapped him hard across the face. "You were just going to-" Rukia choked and hit him again, then a third and fourth until his cheek was deep red with pain. "Is that your answer," she yelled in his face and he slunk back in shame, "Renji…?" Tears welled in her violet eyes as she stared at him in despair.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "This is the only power I still have."

Rukia was rigid as she faced her brother and stood up, ignoring the protest of her throbbing ankle. Obviously livid, she glared daggers at him, making his brow arc peculiarly. Her hand flew true and he felt the sharp sting slide across the side of his face. His shock was evident as he turned back to her and grabbed his cheek. Renji watched with his jaw gaping.

"Leave," she ordered him with a venomous tone.

His anger was somewhat sapped as he stared down at the usually docile girl so irate before him, but as he found his tongue and righted himself, he attempted to reclaim is dominance. "It is my duty to carry out the law, as it is yours. As such, I cannot leave without-"

"I grew up," she interrupted, "… in the 78th district of Rukongai… with Renji at my side. No laws. No money. No security. Renji is… the only reason I lived long enough to make it to you. He is my family," she said touching her hand to heart. "I don't know what that means to you, Nii-sama… but for me it means I have to protect him… laws… don't mean anything to a street rat." She stepped back, feeling Renji immediately clasp her hand from his place on the floor.

Byakuya stared at the petite woman, dumbfounded, "Do you even know what you're saying…" he asked growing irritated. "Do you want to go back to the guillotine, woman, because that's the road you are facing down right now."

Renji got to his knees, pulling the girl to face him, "Rukia, don't do this," he pleaded. "It means a lot to me that you're willin' to go so far for my sake, but nothin' good's gonna come outta this." He touched her cheeks affectionately as he directed her to look him in the eyes. "I'm happy," he said as a sad smile found his lips, "to have had you for my family." His thumbs wiped the trickling droplets from her flushed cheeks.

"I'm not going to let you do this," she scowled through her tears. "Where is the Renji I used to know so well?" she asked, "The reckless, arrogant, stubborn Renji who didn't know how to quit?" She pulled his hands down from her, "Why don't you try anymore?" she pouted.

... ... ...

Byakuya sat quietly lost in thought as Renji stepped out behind him, appearing sad, but not as forlorn as he had been before. The morning was peeking over the horizon as he sat down next to the sixth squad captain, both men tolerant for once.

"Are you gonna take me in?" the red-head asked calmly folding his arms over the railing bars in front of him.

"Of course."

"What about Rukia?" he asked, his crimson eyes turning toward the man at his side.

Byakuya was detached and spoke as if he were reading a report, "Obviously she cares a great deal for you… much to my discontent." He then turned to Renji with heated eyes, "However, aiding and abetting a fugitive is a serious offense that won't be taken lightly in soul society… and Rukia is in danger every moment she stays with you…" he said sounding more human then ever now, "I am at odds... again."

Renji's eyes showed brightly as he watched his ex-captain's face, "You won't let her get indicted for this."

Byakuya dug in his sleeve, "You and I have always had one thing in common, haven't we?" he said as he pulled the small box from his sleeve and handed it to the taller man. "I think you've always been better at it than I have."

Renji looked down at the pack of cigarettes in his hand surprised, "Taichou…"

"Smoke them. Maybe they'll kill you so I don't have to."

... ... ...

"O-Oy… did I… miss something?" Ichigo twitched as he stood in the doorway, allowing the bag of groceries to slip from his hand in his stupor.

Byakuya, Renji, and Rukia sat quietly around the coffee table sipping tea in relative peace. Renji scoffed as he stood up, "I'd say you missed more than somethin'. Why show up at all?"

Ichigo's brow twitched as he leaned toward the taller man, "Eh? What's with that tone, jackass?"

Renji smiled as he leaned back toward the boy, "What tone? I'm just sayin' you've got horrible timing, Asswipe!"

Rukia set her cup down as she observed the pair and allowed a smile to grace her lips. It had been so long since Renji had actually acted like Renji. It was uplifting to see him being his old, egotistical, belligerent self. Maybe she'd gotten through to him the night before… or maybe he was just acting for her sake… In any case it made her feel better.

"Ah shaddup already, you flea-bitten begger! Who do you think is taking care of your ass?" Ichigo growled as he turned away from the irate red-head.

"Begger? I never asked you for nuthin! You're the one shovin' your kindness down people's throats! Nobody likes a pushy do-gooder," Renji returned.

"Shut it," Byakuya finally demanded rubbing his temple in annoyance.

The pair started at the stern voice before they backed up from one another and sat, eyes still glaring daggers at each other.

"Why are you here, Byakuya?" Ichigo said as he tore his eyes from Renji's glowering mug.

The noble scowled slightly as he looked to the boy, displeased at the boy's casual tone, as always, "I'm here for Rukia's sake. That's all you need to know."

Ichigo got the lowdown, with perhaps a few things left out that may have seemed more private. Rukia didn't speak to correct the red-head, so he didn't elaborate more than he had to. Byakuya listened, but feigned disinterest as he continued to work on his tea.

As the conversation drew to a close they had yet to decide what should be done. The sixth captain stood and exited, the sweltering heat growing as the sun rose and obviously making him uncomfortable. Rukia sighed as her brother left without a word. She wished he would help, but she knew he was only tolerating this hassle and she would have to keep standing her ground, right between Renji and him.

Trust was never something she'd achieved easily, but right now she wished more than anything she could trust them. Her brother was too lawful to have faith in in this situation, and Renji was… well, Renji was on the brink of suicide on one hand, and a murderous rapist on the other. She rubbed the bandaged cut on her shoulder where Senbonzakura had cut her as she watched him debating with Ichigo. He seemed so normal right now. When had he become so good at hiding how he felt? Didn't he realize what he had tried to do not five hours ago? She sighed as she turned her eyes to the substitute shinigami. She was at least thankful Ichigo was trustworthy, and she hoped it would stay that way. She didn't think she could take another night like last night.

As Ichigo stood to leave, Renji glanced discreetly back at Rukia before he followed, "Ichigo," he called as they were away from prying eyes.

Ichigo paused, looking over his shoulder as Renji appeared to grow serious, "What's up?"

The taller man was a bit tense, "May…Maybe if you get the time… join me back at Urahara's." Asking Ichigo to train with him again wasn't exactly an ingenious plan, as it had yielded no results the last time, but it was better to him than sitting around this hellhole and waiting for another victim.

Ichigo drew his brow slightly, "If… that's what you want." He wasn't overzealous about getting back in the snakepit with the red-head, but of course he wasn't going to turn him down either.

Renji's eyes were less guarded than they had been all morning as he stared listlessly, "I don't know what else to do."

Ichigo placed a hand on his shoulder, "You're stronger than you think, Renji. If I was in your shoes, I don't know if I could have made it this far."

Renji's tattoos crinkled as he frowned and turned away, "Just making it isn't good enough."

... ... ...

Smoke fluttered into the warm air as Renji exhaled. Thoughts of giving up relentlessly assaulted him, but her words continued to echo in their wake. _'Why don't you try anymore?' _She was right, of course. He wanted to go back to the man he used to be. The unbreakable Renji who could be knocked down a hundred times and still stand up to take the next hit. Rukia's words had affected him. As he took another puff off his cigarette, he tried to let all the negativities that had been drowning him float away on the smoke. He felt his resolve, faint and battered, resurface. He would do this. He had to for Rukia's sake, if not for his own.

"Taichou," he said, feeling the man's presence at his back, "I have another favor."

The noble arched his brow as he stared at the red-head in seeming disbelief.

Renji turned as he put out the cigarette on the wooden rail, "Take Rukia home, would ya?"

Byakuya seemed mildly interested, "How surprising. You're getting more selfless by the day, aren't you," he said mockingly.

Renji pursed his lips, "I know you'll keep her safe, and… she'll be far away from me. That's what want."

The sixth captain closed his eyes as he turned and walked away, "I wonder who will wipe your ass after she's gone…"

... ... ...

It took some aggressive persistence to finally get Rukia to go home with her brother, but in the two weeks she'd been gone, Renji had been training fiercely with his Vizard comrade. Under Urahara's supervision and sometimes intervention, there hadn't been any serious injuries between the pair, although tempers were often more violent than combat. Ichigo gave as good as he got, but the cuts and bruises accumulated over time and their reiatsu was steadily falling from the vigorous activities. It was hard to tell if all the training had accomplished anything more than shortening Renji's temper. Whatever experiment they had performed to create the Vizard in him, he was obviously not meant to be such. It had only been the beginning for him and he remained incomplete and evidently forgotten.

As Renji trudged down the hall his legs felt like lead, and the hot bath had done little to ease his aching muscles. He slid his door open and all but fell onto his futon. He was exhausted, but emotionally he felt better than he had in what seemed like an eternity. Letting the hallow out to fight and release all it's poisonous energy, though it was stressful and trying, allowed him to live again in the moments in between. He sighed as he pulled his arms around the pillow and nuzzled his face into it, quickly making the journey to the dream world.

... ... ...

It was early morning when the phone rang and Renji cracked an eye open as he peered out of the gap of his door. Ururu stood with her ear to the phone. "Rukia-chan?" she asked as if repeating the name, "No she isn't here."

Renji perked up at the mentioned name and he inevitably rolled out of bed and opened the door, approaching the small girl. "Let me have it," he said and she drowsily handed him the phone.

"Who's lookin' for Rukia?" he asked as he settled the phone against his cheek.

"I assumed she would go to you, seeing as how she hasn't stopped blathering about you for the past two weeks." The voice returned and he immediately recognized it as Captain Kuchiki.

"She's missing?" he asked growing worried..

"Don't concern yourself, Abarai, you'll be back under the guillotine soon enough." Byakuya all but snarled as he hung up on his former vice captain.

Renji lowered the phone from his ear looking distant as Ururu moved to take the phone from his limp hand and hang it up.

"Rukia's missing…"

**A/N: Reviews/Suggestions/Ideas appreciated! Until next time~**


	13. The Gift She Gave

**Chapter 13**

Rukia slowly slid the closet door open. Ichigo had already left for school, and she had remained hidden in his closet, without his knowing. She'd run away from home and snuck in in the middle of the night, last night. Ichigo had seemed groggy and out of it this morning, otherwise he might have noticed her suppressed reiatsu lingering. After getting into her gigai, she slid her feet down to the floor and paused as she stared down at them. Renji had eagerly sent her off to be with her brother… but she was still worried about him. Worried and angry! Stupid idiot. Tries to commit suicide and then acts like nothing's wrong, and like he's back on track.

Her brother had been keeping a close eye on her ever since she'd gotten home, even going as far as to put a 'servant' outside of her door at night. Lucky for her, he'd fallen asleep last night… with a little help from a little white pill she'd accidentally dropped in his tea. No doubt, her brother was already forming a search group… and Ichigo's place would be one of the first places they'd look… so she'd have to lay low somewhere for the time being. If she got anywhere near Renji, she'd be found out and taken back home, but she just had to check on him, idiotic at it was. She slipped her shoes on and hopped out the window.

... ... ...

It was well past noon by the time Renji's door slid open and he stepped inside, haggard and sweaty. He ripped the v-neck shirt over his head, slinging it from his arm, before collapsing onto the futon. He rubbed his face and allowed a frustrated grumble to escape as his closet door slid opened a tiny bit. "Renji," whispered a familiar voice.

The red-head sat up straight like a board as his wide eyes shot to the peeking violet pools from his closet. "Rukia!" he nearly screamed.

"Shh! Shut up!" she threw the door open the rest of the way, "I'm not supposed to be here, asshole!" she yelled back, not really noticing she'd probably yelled louder than him.

He scampered over to her, "Damn it!" he said, trying to hold his voice down, "I been out lookin' all over for you!" She could tell he'd certainly been doing something active and hot, he was gleaming with sweat.

Rukia glanced momentarily at his toned, tattoo-covered chest, and felt a pang shudder through her despite herself. She kicked herself for all the sexual frustration that was still very much present in her life. She'd never thought of Renji as anything but her best friend, and occasionally someone she loved to hate, but his presence as a man wasn't lost on her right now as he knelt before her… with a stomach that looked like a tribal washboard. She was quiet as she recalled the night at the festival… before the hollow had emerged.

"Are you listening?" Renji asked sitting back on his heels, "I was… worried 'bout you, ya know." he said, his voice softening as he stared at her in disapproval.

Rukia was pulled from her thoughts as she looked up at his face and seemed to dawn a more serious expression. "Well… it's your own fault. I had to run away from home because Nii-sama has had me under lock and key… and that's because of you!"

"Me? How's that my fault?" Renji objected, gesturing at himself.

"Because!" Rukia exclaimed, "Because you're a stupid jerk off. I was really …afraid, Renji. I wanted to be here with you… in case if you got the urge again I could punch you a good one." As if to punctuate on her point she clenched her fist and drew it back in preparation for just that.

Renji grabbed her fist before she could let it fly at his face, "I'm fine! I told you I'm fine, so just trust me."

"I don't!" Rukia yelled, growing more upset, "I can't… trust you anymore." Her voice broke off as her eyes tore away from him and she pulled her fist from his grip.

He frowned, and let his hand fall to his knee, "I'm sorry, okay." His eyes were downcast and his lips were pursed, "After I hurt you…After I almost… I just… I'd rather die," he finally said. "I couldn't live with myself." He said with eyes squeezed shut, fists clenched tightly on his knees, and arms stiff. "You know what I did… to Rangiku…"

Rukia's brow wrinkled, "Yeah… I know." Her eyes were downcast momentarily before she looked up again, hopeful, "but I talked to her, and she's doing just fi-"

"It doesn't' matter!" Renji interrupted, harshly. "What if it had been you? What if I hadn't been able to overpower the hollow that night? Do you even know what I would have done to you?" His eyes were strained and troubled as he stared hard at the floor past her.

Rukia's violet orbs darted back and forth over his face, reading him. "Is that… what you want, Renji?" she asked sounding almost timid.

The red-head startled a bit at her question, losing his tongue for a moment, "What? I- uh… I didn't mean…" he stammered.

The small girl reached up and placed her hands on his tanned cheeks, "Tell me how you really feel… I promise, I won't get mad this time…" She was feeling a little afraid, looking up into his uncertain crimson pools. She had misunderstood last time, and over-reacted on top of it… she knew that now. She wasn't sure what words were going to leave his mouth, but she was certain he had been keeping his feelings from her, whatever they might be. "What do you want, Renji?"

He was still and rigid as he looked down at the woman he'd not allowed himself to love, seeing her attentive and open to him for what may have been the first time in her life. His mind was screaming, 'no, I can't,' but his heart was overbearing with, 'I want this.' His eyes softened and he swallowed as his lips tried to form words, but failed. A large hand came up and caressed her jaw momentarily before the calloused fingers settled on the side of her neck. "You," he whispered as he slowly leaned down and caught her lips between his', feeling his stomach simultaneously tying itself in knots.

Rukia didn't withdraw or push him away. She closed her eyes and let her hands fall to the nape of his neck before she slid them around, feeling chill bumps rise as the tips of his ponytail tickled her forearms. She felt his other arm come around her waist and tug her closer as she stood on her knees before him. His kiss was slow and delicate at first, as if he were afraid she'd flee, but then she leaned her hips forward arching herself against his front, and he seemed to lose his apprehension. Hugging her flush against his damp chest, his kisses turned to something more animalistic… something she thought suited Renji much better.

Sloppy, wet kisses ravished her mouth as she felt his moan reverberate down her throat. His hands were everywhere it seemed, running up and down her back, through her hair, and over her neck, making her whimper softly. She was leaned backward awkwardly as he bent over her, never ceasing the relentless assault on her lips. Moving one leg over his thigh, she moaned as his lips suddenly latched onto her porcelain neck, just under her jaw. His eager hands supported her as she moved her other leg across his opposite thigh, and she heard him moan again.

He broke his mouth's hold on her neck as he pulled her up more vertically, ecstatic to feel her straddling his hips. His mind was a fog as he claimed the cherry lips again, drunk on her flavor. Her blunt fingernails trailed down to his shoulder blades and he shuddered as they rose back up to the back of his neck. Placing his hands on her face, he broke their lip-lock and gazed into her eyes with an inebriated haze looming in his dark pools.

"What?" she asked with a slight flush on her face, hidden under his giant palms. Her fingers played softly in a stray strand of hair that had escaped his ponytail at the back of his neck, and she smiled when he gave a breathy sigh and closed his eyes to the chill that ran up his spine. Moving one hand down to her waist, he replaced its previous space with his mouth, trailing his tongue over her neck with a lazy tranquility about him.

She let a giggle escape before she brought her hands to his front, letting them trail over his firm chest in exploration. He answered by letting a hand run up her thigh, pushing her flimsy summer dress up as the nimble fingers disappeared under it.

His hot breath caressed her ear as he finally spoke barely above a whisper, "Is it okay?"

The small girl nuzzled her nose against his collar bone as her fingers ran up around his neck again, "Stupid, don't ask permission after you've already started."

Renji couldn't stop the smile that spread on his lips as he silently agreed with a nibble on her earlobe. Her ebony hair smelled like Ichigo's closet, but happily that was somewhat like lemon and sandal wood… well, there were worse things it could smell like. He knew he wasn't exactly a bouquet of flowers right now either. After running around in the climbing heat all morning his gigai was sweaty and hot… and it was about to get hotter.

Rukia was almost in a trance as she reveled in the feeling of Renji's calloused hands running under her dress, lifting it up as his touch climbed. She wasn't sure exactly what spurred her into letting him do this, but certainly, he was making her excited. She kissed his chest, tasting the salty flavor of his bronze skin. She wrapped a hand over his bicep as she felt his hand splay over her flat tummy and descend to touch the elastic at her panty-line.

The petite shinigami leaned back and sighed as he dipped a few fingers under the edge, her thighs tensing as they slid down to her core. His mouth fell open as he felt the slick folds slide around his fingers. A softly concealed moan escaped her lips and she arched forward into him, obviously approving what he was doing.

Renji's mouth lingered in front of hers', wanting to kiss her sweet, parted lips, but enjoying the blissful look on her face too much to close the distance. His thighs twitched involuntarily as she hooked her heels into his backside. Never before had he seen such a beautiful sight as the vision of this woman in rapture before him. His growing erection throbbed impatiently against his jeans, and he swallowed hard while increasing the pace of his strokes against her swollen bud.

Rukia moaned out, beginning to squirm as the powerful waves of pleasure carried her higher every time his digit ran over her sensitive bud. "Renji," she whispered breathily as her fingers squeezed his biceps and her head fell back weakly.

The tattooed man nearly gasped at the sound of his name falling from those perfect lips. How many times had he fantasized about her calling his name like that? Any other day, it could have brought him to climax without so much as unzipping his pants, but he somehow managed to hold himself back… That wouldn't be the best way to start a physical relationship…

Her breath tore from her throat as she finally arched up and silently screamed her climax to the air. Renji clenched his teeth tightly as he intensely watched her with dark, clouded eyes, easing off from the gooey slick in her panties as she began to shiver. She whimpered as she fell into his waiting chest, her arms wrapping around him as she panted to reclaim her breath.

Renji smiled as he bent his neck down and kissed the top of her head. He was happy to bring her pleasure just as much as he would be if she were to let him take his own. He wasn't sure if she wanted that, just yet, but, either way he'd have to do something about the raging hard on straining against his jeans.

While Rukia's soft breaths puffed across his chest, he was reserved and calm, basking in the feeling of her body pressed against his. After a moment of recovery, she sat back, touching is warm chest lightly as she seemed to avert her eyes from his'.

Renji swallowed, suddenly a bit nervous of her reaction. "We don't have to go any further if you don't want to," he said diffidently.

Rukia looked at him then, "I didn't say anything!" she objected.

He startled as he shot back her peeved look, "You had a look! I'm just tryin' to be considerate!"

"Hm!" she scoffed, "Well consider… the stiffy digging into my thigh, why don't you?"

Renji seemed to turn the same color as his hair in a matter of seconds. "I…" he stammered, flustered with embarrassment, "…What do you want to do?"

She smirked and tilted her head, "You started all this. Are you gonna be a man and finish what you started, or do I have rub your belly to get you to roll over?"

Renji fumed and the insinuation, "You-!" He abruptly tossed her onto her back and then straddled and pinned her, fully intent to make her eat her words, "The only one who's gonna be beggin' like a dog is you, _sweetheart_," he added in a demeaning tone.

Rukia struggled mildly, knowing if Renji wanted her down, she wasn't going to overpower him, but this 'sweetheart' business wasn't going cut it. "Hmph! As if you could make me beg for anything- and don't call me sweetheart, you oaf!"

Renji smiled as he leaned in, "What're you gonna do about it, shrimp." As fun as it would be to just taunt her, he was in no condition to tease.

The lithe girl squirmed beneath him until her slightly calloused fingers suddenly plunged under his zipper.-Good God, when had she unzipped his pants?- "I'm sure I can think of a few weapons of choice," she smirked.

He gasped and instinctively rose as his eyes went down his front to see her hand groping his painfully swollen erection. His eyes all but rolled back into his head as he let out a throaty moan and braced his arms on either side of her head.

Having seen Renji naked on multiple occasions in the past, she wasn't completely taken aback at the generous size of the girth in her hand, but glimpsing him limp and holding him erect were to vastly different things. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't impressed. She squirmed lower so she could get a better view, and her eyes widened as she laid eyes on the proudly standing length. "Renji!" she said sounding almost reprimanding, "Really? Are you serious?"

The red-head smirked as he dropped his head and looked down at the activity under him, "Well, Zabimaru is a sword, after all. Is it odd he'd want to decorate something metaphorical?"

"Urg, don't try to convince me it was Zabimaru's idea… this has Renji written all over it… no pun intended…" she scoffed.

Renji laughed, "You might be right… I'll leave it at that." He bit his lip to keep from gasping as she resumed fondling. The feeling of both her hands on him, rubbing and pumping, trailing and tickling, made him feel weak and prickly all over. He slowly dropped to his elbows and allowed his forehead to rest on the floor as he watched her upside-down.

Rukia's exploration roamed over his throbbing length, and she marveled at the oddly appealing tattoos that decorated it. He was well groomed enough that she thought she might fancy a taste. It had been literally years since she'd done this, but she wasn't opposed to doing it for Renji, certainly he'd enjoy himself-she wanted him to enjoy himself, after all. Flicking her tongue out over the tip she collected the bead of pre-cum that was threatening to drip down onto her. She heard his low voice purr in an almost pitiful sounding plea, and she proceeded to lick her way down his underside before coming back to the tip to take him in between her lips. Although he was quite large, especially in comparison to her, she found using her hands on the rest of him sufficed.

Renji almost forgot to breathe as he felt that perfect mouth open up and encircle the head of his member. It was eerily surreal and his eyes watched, recording the moment like a cinema. "Ru…ki…a…" he panted out softly. "You don't… ahh- have to…hnn-"

He could scarcely remember what he was saying as the waves of pleasure began to grow stronger with ever suckle of her warm, wet mouth. His breathing growing shallower and faster as his eyes became too difficult to keep open and he closed them and momentarily forgot everything except the fact that it was Rukia giving him this… Whatever 'this' was, he still wasn't sure, but right now he would take it and be grateful. Just as he could feel his body starting to tense, she abruptly stopped and he sucked in a breath he hadn't realized he was holding.

Rukia crawled out from under him, smiling to herself as she watched him, seemingly dazed and unaware as he attempted to come back down. It was a strange feeling to suddenly see someone you'd known so long in a different light, but it wasn't so bad as she thought it would be… although, she hoped things wouldn't turn weird between them.

Reaching out she touched his cheek and he reflexively turned into her, his breath still shaky as he wrapped his arms around her and eagerly kissed her moist lips. She gave a whimper as she felt him ease her down onto her back, his mouth never breaking from hers'.

Hands, rough and slightly cold, pushed her dress up, soaking up her body's warmth like a sponge. She moaned into his mouth as those calloused fingers squirmed their way under the silky material of her bra and began to knead zealously. A leg rose and hooked him in the back of the thigh, throwing him slightly off balance and forcing him to throw one of his hands down onto the floor. Her palms were on his cheeks, holding him firmly as their mouths battled for dominance.

Renji finally pulled back, panting like a dog as his fingers slipped down to her panties and he began to pull them down. The petite shinigami picked her bottom up and let him slip the flimsy cloth down. Slipping one foot from it, it remained dangling from her other thigh, forgotten, as the red-head looked down at the exhibition before him.

Her dress was bunched around her chest, with her bra flipped up just under it, leaving her pert breasts exposed to him. His tongue flicked out to dampen his lips as he moved one hand to her core, brushing his thumb over her swollen bud. She sighed and spread her legs, her body ready for him to bring it to fruition.

He swallowed as he took his pulsing member in his other hand and rubbed the tip over her moist folds a few times. She bit her lip for a moment before those night sky eyes shut and she suddenly seemed to glow with timidity. Renji noticed this and tilted his head as a miniscule smile tugged the corners of his mouth up. It wasn't like her to be bashful about anything, but it was oddly cute to him.

Finally he began to ease into her tight opening, his jaw dropping as the tightness encompassed his painful length. She tensed and gave a soft whimper. In a combination of her narrowness and his girth, it felt like she was splitting in half. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to focus on breathing, but even that seemed hard to do right now.

Then she felt his kiss on her temple and his apologetic whisper, "Sorry Rukia… Try to relax. You know you're makin' it worse by tensin' up."

She turned her face into him, nestling into his neck and trying to do as he said. "Easy for you to say… You're like twice my size," she groused. She took a few deep breaths and the pain seemed to ebb. Renji was kissing her temple affectionately and stroking a hand through her ebony locks. When the pain finally diminished she allowed herself to smile and wrap her arms around his back.

Renji took that as the go ahead and proceeded to lift her upright in his lap. She whimpered as her knees were flipped over the crook of his arms and those calloused hands held fast to her bottom. She felt awkward hovering above him and placed her hands on his shoulders to steady herself. He lifted her while pulling himself out almost completely before he plunged back inside with a vengeance. She moaned loudly as he repeated and felt a hot moist mouth latch onto her cherry nipple. He set a bruising rhythm that was uncomfortable at first, but quickly changed into breathless whimpers and gasps of approval.

His tongue lapped at the hardened bud of her breast, panting around the soaked nipple as he pounded into her happily dripping core. He switched to the other side at long last, using his teeth in a most arousing manner that made her moan louder. His masculine groans accompanied hers' periodically when she'd roll her hips down against his thrusts.

It didn't last long in reality, but the pair let the minutes span out like hours as the ecstasy shrouded them in a timeless pleasure. Rukia cried out when her orgasm gripped her, and shoved her body flush against his chest as he gasped against her neck. Her passage came down crushing his engorged member without sympathy and he felt the abused muscle react accordingly. His mouth hung open breathlessly as he emptied himself into her lithe body in a climax that seemed to go on forever.

His chin came to rest on her shoulder as he sat there panting with her arms wrapped around his neck. The warm puffs of breath that left her mouth fanned his slightly damp hair as they sat with a sudden stillness in the middle of the floor. Still seated deeply inside of her, she felt his wet mouth begin to suckle her neck, slurping and lapping at the salty flavor for an extended, lazy moment. Surely with the consistency he was using, it was going to leave a mark, but she couldn't bring herself to care at this moment, laying her cheek on his sweat-slicked shoulder. Nothing seemed to matter right now as she drifted down from her high. She felt surprisingly happy and content. Maybe it was something they had both needed, after all.

Finally, unlatching his leach-hold on her neck, he pulled out and lifted her up, getting to his feet briefly to make his way over to his futon. He laid her down and fixed his jeans, before curling up behind her and kissing the shell of her ear gently as he pulled the blanket over them. She turned onto her back and tossed her legs over his', and her petite hand curled around his bicep as she nudged her head under his chin. It was midday, but a recuperation nap was wholly welcomed by both.

The quiet spanned out for a long time before Rukia's soft voice broke it, "So what happens now?"

**A/N: Thanks for reading this far! So yay! Finally zey do et! Sorry for the delay with this chapter, on top of the writer's block been doing other things, like art and job hunting. Tell me what you think! I'd love to hear all your questions/comments/suggestions~ R/R!**


	14. Our Paths Part

**Chapter 14**

"So what happens now?"

Renji sighed and muttered, "I don't want to think about it, right now."

The petite girl pulled back from his embrace somewhat put off, "What do you mean, 'you don't want to think about it?' It's not something to think about like it's so complicated!"

"Will you just shut up and let me hold you." He growled, getting a grip on her lower back to pull her back to him.

She seemed momentarily at a loss, and allowed him to pull her against his warm chest. Something was wrong. He was obviously trying to avoid thinking too much on the subject… maybe he felt guilty or he was regretting. She became worried the more she thought, but inevitably decided to give him what he asked for; if this is what he needed…

… … …

Byakuya stood in the shinigami boy's room, mentally snooping for his sister's lingering reiatsu. She had covered her tracks well enough he couldn't distinguish where she had gone from there, only that she had been there recently. Hastily leaving the offensive room, he decided to pay his hard-headed ex-lieutenant a visit. After the countless warnings she'd gotten from him to stay away from the red-head, she was going to get the scolding of her life when he caught up with her this time.

… … …

After sleeping off the effects of their fatigue Rukia awoke to Renji's breath wafting against her ear. She turned back to see his eyes open watching her drowsily. "How long have you been awake?" she asked.

The red-head shrugged and passed off his unwillingness to close his eyes as, "Couldn't sleep."

Rukia sat up, rubbing her eye with a little fist, "So you've just been lying here this whole time?"

"You make it sound like a bad thing," he said with a smirk as he sat up on his elbows and planted a kiss on the side of her mouth.

She smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck, lying on top of him as he lay back down. A few minutes passed as the two kissed and cuddled in a momentary carefree bliss. Finally, Rukia laid her head on his chest, still holding him tightly. It had been so long since she had this with someone, Even though she'd done it out of selflessness for his sake, she couldn't remember the last time she had felt so content. It only surprised her because it was Renji making her feel like this. She lifted her head and looked him in the eyes, "You didn't answer me earlier."

He sighed and turned his head away. "I didn't want to ruin the moment," he said somberly.

Rukia rose up, still sitting on top of him, "Why? Was this just something you wanted to mark off your bucket list?" Her face immediately moved to a disapproving sneer as she clambered off of him. In actuality she wasn't sure what this meant to him… if it was just sex or if he wanted to actually pursue her… She had had a feeling that it was more than sex though… She couldn't rightly get mad if it wasn't though.

"It's not like that!" He said sitting up rapidly, "You know it isn't like that."

"Well what exactly is it like, Renji? Enlighten me," she barked at him with arms crossed over her chest.

Renji frowned letting a long pause permeate the air before he spoke, "I appreciate it. I really do."

Rukia seemed to fume at his words and looked as if she could reach over and decapitate him if he continued on that note.

Renji swallowed as he continued to tread carefully, "Fuck, I've been waiting for this for a lifetime… It's just… complicated, you know… And as much as I want this to be… more, I knew when we got up from this futon, that you were goin' back to soul society… to be a noble… and I was gonna disappear from your life."

The little shinigami seemed taken aback at his words, "T-that's rubbish! I know you're always going to be here. If you really wanted you could still-"

"No," he said sharply, cutting her protest short. He touched her cheek with all the love and tenderness she never knew he had for her, "I had to let you go once before… and now a cruel fate is makin' me do it again."

"Renji," Rukia whispered with a crinkled brow and eyes that were beginning to brim with tears.

He smiled, a crooked, sad smile, "When you say my name like that, it makes my hollow antsy… Maybe you should go," he said softly as he took his hand away from her tender face. The hollow wasn't actually bothering him at all right now, as it was happily content after the bout of exceedingly hot sex with the woman he'd craved so long… but he felt a lump in his throat and he didn't want to start bawling like a titti baby in front of Rukia.

"You… can't just disappear." She murmured, her voice sounding squeaky and quiet, "I have to take care of you still. You still have all this crap to sort out and you can't do it alone!"

Renji stood up and sighed, "I'm a wanted man, Rukia. Nothin' you say or do will change that," he said with somber eyes, "This is where our paths part... for good..."

… … …

The sun was growing lower in the sky when a foreboding reiatsu made itself known. Renji sat alone on the porch, lost in a gloomy daze. He didn't react as Byakuya appeared at his side, captain's haori flapping lightly in the breeze. "Where is she?" he demanded without so much as a greeting.

"She left," Renji replied softly with distant eyes.

The captain observed the down-trodden man momentarily, eyeing him with a degree of curiosity in his eyes, "You don't seem to remember that you are still a fugitive, and I am an officer of the law. I thought you'd be more vigilant than this…Makes me wonder what exactly I've spared in my mercy."

The ex-lieutenant stood, standing well above his old captain's head, even with his slouch, "Sorry. I've got some stuff on my mind…" He muttered as he turned and started to walk away.

"You'd best make yourself scarce, Abarai." Byakuya all but snarled to the man's back, "If I find she's visited you again, I assure you there won't be another pardon from my blade."

Renji paused but didn't turn around. "You don't need to worry 'bout that, Taichou. I promise you won't hear from me anymore."

… … …

Rukia was sitting with her hands on her knees huddled in Ichigo's closet. Somehow Renji had opened her floodgates and now she was a jumbled mess of emotion. She rested her mouth on her knees as she rocked idly in the dark, secluded closet.

She'd always thought she knew Renji so well. How could she never have seen this in him before? How could he have hidden it for so long? At the most she was expecting him to be a horny pervert who ogled her from behind when she wasn't looking…. That, she could deal with… that was something she could put under Renji's label and not feel awkward about. You don't grow up in the slums with someone for 20-some odd years and not know what turns them on. She knew he'd found her attractive… even when they were teenagers… but it had never been anything more than that. He thought she was pretty. That was okay. She even teased him about it on occasion... Looking back on it from today's vantage… it seemed cruel.

She never thought she'd feel like this afterwards… if was strange and painful. Wanting to be with him suddenly, but knowing he'd pushed her away… that hurt the most. She'd always loved him, in her own way, but the way her heart swelled today was unparalleled. It had made her happy, the way he'd all but worshiped her as they'd made love. The tender way he'd held and kissed her, so unnatural for him… The way he was so careful with her, as if she were made of glass. Normally she might have found that insulting, but for him, it made her feel butterflies.

She wanted to go back to him. She wanted to tell him to quit trying to be a hero and just take what he really wants. Right now the hollow didn't matter to her. His status as a fugitive didn't matter. She just wanted him to be here with her. She was afraid. Renji had always been there. Any time she'd need him, he'd been there. She'd never needed him as badly as she did now… and now he was abandoning her…

"Jerk. You were the one who was screwed up all this time…" she whimpered angrily to the darkness as tears finally began to spill from her violet pools, "You can't screw me up like this and leave! Renji…"

… … …

"Rukia."

She cracked open her eyes, immediately struck with the vice-like pounding of a crushing headache.

"What are you doing sleeping in the middle of the day? It's barely four and you're out like a light." Ichigo's dry voice brought her to full awareness and she rapidly wiped the crusty tears from her eyes in hopes Ichigo wouldn't notice.

"Are you crying?" he asked attempting to get a better look at her obviously puffy face, but she kept turning away.

"I'm not!" she yelled, but her voice cracked terribly, and completely contradicted her denial.

The teen sighed, "Tell me." he said nonchalantly.

"No! Leave me alone! It's nothing that concerns you, okay?" She growled back attempting to close the closet door in his face, but he stopped it.

"Idiot, you know I'm not gonna. Come on," he said trying to coax her out, "Tell me. I promise I'm a good listener. I do this with Yuzu all the time."

Rukia's temper abruptly died down and she pursed her lips. "I think... I made a mistake…" she whispered in a low voice.

… … …

Ichigo sighed as he tossed the front door open and drug himself inside. Yuzu greeted him with a delicious smelling plate of food, but he wasn't even hungry. He just wanted to sleep. It was probably around seven in the morning on a weekend and he'd been dragged out in the middle of the night to romp with some unruly hollows. Rukia had been home in Soul Society for a few weeks, but he expected she'd probably be back today or tomorrow. Things had more or less returned to normal since Renji had disappeared. He'd been training frequently and Rukia came to visit him periodically; Inoue and Chad too. Rukia had spilled her guts to him the day Renji had left. It was more than he'd expected from her, since she was usually so stoic about her feelings. The sex bit had thrown him and given him mixed feelings, but as much as he wanted to go sock Renji a good one, he understood why he'd chosen his path. That first week Rukia had been a blubbering mess and had frantically searched for Renji day and night to no avail. In fact they hadn't seen hide nor hair of the felon since then. Good riddance as far as the Gotei thirteen were concerned, but worrying for his abandoned friends.

It would be coming up on seven months now. Rukia didn't talk about him anymore, and Ichigo didn't bring up the subject, although he knew when the red-head was on her mind. It boggled him how a one night stand could change her so much, but then again who was he to know. Virgin boy. He scoffed and climbed into bed.

"Ichigo, what do you think you're doing?" Rukia puffed. How like her to show up without so much as a 'hello.' She held up her phone so he could see, "Look at this. There's work to be done"

"Of which it's your shift. G'night" he said as he pulled the covers over his head and turned away from her.

Rukia snorted. "My shift… psh. Lazy ass. Fine I'll deal with them _this_ time. But don't expect any favors from me in the future." She acted bitter, but actually she was a bit excited. After Renji had demolished her sword, she'd been out of commission up until just recently. It had taken Sode no Shirayuki a very long time to heal after such devastation, and Rukia was anxious to get her out and use her again.

… … …

Orihime was carrying an over-stuffed bag of groceries, eager to get home and cook up something new and tasty. She wasn't paying much mind to anything as she was brainstorming for tonight's supper, but she did notice a little spirit girl standing in front of an alleyway, seemingly distraught. She paused and knelt beside her, "What's wrong?" she asked sincerely, "Do you need help with something?"

The child glanced at her momentarily before returning her fixated stare down the alley, "Why is he here? I want him to leave. He's scary."

The kind-hearted girl stood and looked down the alley. She gasped aloud and dropped the bag in her arms. "A-Abarai-san."

… … …

Rukia was pleased as she stood over the fallen hollow's body as it slowly began to disintegrate. She re-sheathed it and wiped her face on her sleeve, but as she began to trek back to Ichigo's her phone bleeped and startled her a bit. She flipped it open but saw no hollow indications. She pursed her lips and shoved it back in her pocket. "Stupid thing."

… … …

Renji was jolted to awareness when he heard the clatter of Inoue's bag hitting the concrete. His eyes went wide when he laid eyes on the girl's familiar face, "O-Orihime…" He was at a loss for words as he struggled through the options of what he should do, opting first to stand up from the nest of tattered blankets he'd called a bed.

"Oh- Abarai-san I'm so happy to see you!" she cried as she approached him joyfully, "Everyone has been worried sick! Oh Rukia-chan is going to be so happy too! She's been so sad since you disappeared." she rambled.

"Orihime," He said sternly, causing her to pause, "I'm not going back."

"But…" she began, allowing a disheartened look to overtake her features.

Renji frowned and turned his dirt-smudged face away, "Sorry to disappoint. It's better for everyone if I just stay gone."

"But… what are you doing out here? You're covered in dirt and sleeping in an alley -And look at your clothes!" she said gesturing at his tattered shinigami uniform. "Please don't stay out here like this. I'd feel awful leaving you out in this condition. Please, everyone misses you terribly."

Renji's frown deepened and he was quiet.

"Rukia especially… She doesn't bring it up anymore, but I know she still misses you the most… After you left she told me everything that happened." she tilted her head away, appearing sympathetic. "You've been through such terrible things. It makes me sad, because you're a good person, Abarai-san."

The red-head sighed, "It doesn't matter." he muttered. "I have to deal with things on my own."

"I know you're doing this to protect us, and there's probably nothing I can say that would change your mind," she grabbed his hand affectionately, "but would it be too much to ask to come to my house for the night and have a nice meal and a hot bath?"

He turned his eyes toward the street, where the spirit girl was still standing and watching them, "Don't turn down a lady if she's offering you to stay the night!" The girl yelled at him, possibly having ulterior motives to make him leave.

He flushed brightly, "Idiot! It's not like that! I thought I told you to get outta here! What are you eaves dropping on us for?"

She bolted down the street as Renji gave her ears a reaming.

Orihime giggled at him and he noticed her still holding his hand, and quickly disengaged. "I guess its okay, for just a night." He sagged in defeat and the girl rejoiced loudly and ushered him away with her.

… … …

As the pair walked, Orihime rambled on about various topics, Renji half listened and half daydreamed. His mind wasn't as jumbled as it had been a few months ago, but he still found it hard to focus sometimes, though he found the girl's presence to be immensely comforting. He'd been lonely in his life, here and there, but since he'd left, the loneliness was more horrible than ever. Just having the girl's bubbly voice ringing in his ears made him feel at ease for the first time in what felt like ages.

However that feeling was short-lived as a haunting familiar presence pierced through him like a blade and he was suddenly rigid. He grabbed the girl at his side and leapt aside, where the ground was abruptly shattered like a sheet of glass.

Orihime yelped as she found herself smashed against him and flying through the air. Her eyes grew wide as she looked over his shoulder at the devastation in their wake. "W-What?"

Renji set her down on a rooftop and spun to confront the adversary. "It wants me. Stay here and put up your shield." he said briefly as he leapt back down.

"Abarai-kun, be careful!" she cried as she did as he said.

Renji stood with his hand on the hilt of his blade as a white, boney mask formed over his face. "Don't you shit eaters ever give up?" he growled, glaring up at what appeared to be nothing. Then it moved, and a flickering light-spotted mist seemed to warp the air. A horrific war-cry pierced the wind as the apparition charged him. He seemed undaunted as he leapt forward, drawing Zabimaru and swinging it's shikai with amazing speed. The enemy screeched and Orihime could see what appeared to be blood suddenly spill from the air following Renji's blade.

He drew the blade back and prepared for one more finishing blow, but a sudden crunch was heard and Orihime gasped as she saw a spike impaled in the ex-shinigami back, sticking out just below his ribs. He growled and spun, breaking the appendage off inside himself as his blade careened down like a falling meteor and the girl could see a second creature cleaved in two. He seemed to ignore his wound as he threw Zabimaru out again and it appeared to wrap around the first creature several times before he yanked it hard and a bloom of crimson flooded the street before it evaporated away in a black ash. The atmosphere became clear again as Renji's mask broke away and he turned toward her with blood leaking generously from the protruding thorn.

She was frantically searching for a way down, when he appeared at her side, "Oh! Abarai-kun! How horrible. Let me-"

"Not here." he said, sounding none the worse for wear. "Let's go to your place first. They always catch me when I'm on the move."

Orihime's eyes couldn't tear themselves from the bleeding wound in his stomach, "But… its blee-"

"It's fine. Let's just hurry," he assured as he grabbed her and leapt from the roof.

"What… what were those things? They felt like hollows, but… different." she asked softly, feeling slightly guilty for him carrying her in his state.

"Dunno, but they've been keeping me company for the past five months or so. They want me alive, whatever they are…"

**A/N: Yays another chapter. Thanks for reading this far ^.^ If you're enjoying please read and review, if not then critiques are also welcomed.**


	15. Sweet Bruises

**Chapter 15**

Orihime unlocked the door and it slowly swung open revealing the dark inside of her home. She turned back to Renji growing more concerned as he appeared to be showing the effects of his wound as his adrenaline wore off. She flipped on the light and Renji stepped inside but didn't venture any further.

The girl seemed puzzled, "What is it? Come in and let's hurry and get you better."

The filthy man was reluctant despite the now excruciating pain in his back and stomach. "I don't wanna mess up your carpet…" he muttered.

"Oh Abarai-san, I don't care! Please just come in here and lay down." She didn't think she would even be conscience if she had a wound like that, so she was astounded at how he was still up and walking.

Renji grunted a bit as he finally did as she asked and she ushered him into her bedroom where he nearly collapsed when he sat down. He had lain on his side for there was still the spike protruding out both ends. She pulled the top of the shabby uniform off, careful as she pulled it away from the spike. She swallowed as she realized she was going to have to pull this thing out, and reached over to feel for the part sticking out of his back.

"You've done this before right?" Renji asked suddenly skeptical.

Orihime bit her lip as she shook her head and Renji resisted the urge to slap his palm onto his face.

He sighed, "Whatever. Just get it over wi-ITH!" He yelped as the pain jolted him, but when he looked up at the girl she had the blood-covered spike in hand. "Jeeze, I wasn't ready yet."

Orihime looked slightly ashamed, "Sorry. I thought I should do it when you weren't expecting it." She set the thorn down and called out her healers. "Don't worry, I'll get you fixed up in no time, Abarai-san," she smiled reassuringly.

The ex-shinigami gave a small smirk back to her as he felt her powers encompass him in a veil of warmth. The pain ebbed and he felt a calm befall him.

"Can I ask why you won't go see Kuchiki-san?" Orihime's soft voice asked.

Renji pursed his lips, "She's gettin' over it… Showin' up now would just stir stuff up again… stuff that's already settled… It's no good always tearin' open old wounds…"

The girl listened and began to understand. "Oh… I see, but maybe you could write her a letter or… maybe I could give her a message from you?" she said sounding slightly hopeful.

The ex-lieutenant looked over at her face with an unreadable expression in his eyes, "Why is it important to you, Inoue?"

Orihime sat up more straight as she answered, "Because… I think you should be with the person you love."

The red-head was a bit taken aback by the girl's openness, but he sighed as he put his head back down. "Love… is meaningless," he said bitterly.

"Don't say that! Kuchiki-san loves you too. I can see it!" she objected, "Every time we mention you or something reminds her of you. I can see how much she's hurt," she added sadly. "Kuchiki-san is my friend and I want her to be happy…I want both of you to…"

Renji was at a loss for words. He could feel a lump in his throat that refused to go back down. He took a moment before he spoke again, "Inoue… you're too young to understand. Love is not the most powerful force in the world, no matter what you might think… The only things that matter in the world today are authority, power, and the will to endure."

"That can't be… what you really think…" She whispered sadly.

He closed his eyes, "If you want to tell Rukia something, just tell her… I'm sorry…" he paused before adding a soft, "and I do miss her…"

The healer girl continued on in silence for nearly an hour, long after the red-head had fallen asleep. She pondered over his words and wondered if he'd always thought this way, or if the hollow had changed him… or maybe it was her logic that was flawed. Maybe he was right. Either way, it was a sad reality.

… … …

She wiped the sweat from her brow and got up from the bloodied bedside. She was quite thirsty and needed a bathroom break, and although Abarai still needed a bit more patchwork, she excused herself for what was to be a brief moment. As she exited the restroom she glanced over the floor and was surprised to see that there was indeed a trail of blood leading to her bedroom. She frowned as she recalled his concern over staining the floor. She turned to grab her favorite cup from the countertop and filled it up in the sink, but as she did this her unlocked door burst open and she startled so much that she spilled water everywhere.

"INOUE!" Ichigo yelled, appearing quite distressed. Once he laid eyes on her a wave of relief overtook him, "Oh thank God. I saw blood leading all the way up to your door. What the hell happened?"

Then Rukia came trotting in behind him having much the same reaction at seeing Orihime safe.

"Um… well I…" she stammered but Rukia was too busy following the trail of blood that led to her room. "Oh Kuchiki-san! Y-You shouldn't go in-" she moved to try and block the door, but slipped on the spilled water and toppled to the floor. "Oof!"

Ichigo went to her side and helped her up, "You okay?"

Rukia was frozen in the doorway and Ichigo noticed her sudden stiffness as well as a dim, yet familiar reiatsu. Inoue was quiet and quite concerned over the situation. She watched tensely, waiting for something to happen.

"Renji," she whispered almost in disbelief.

There were blood stains on the blankets and carpet, and Renji had dried, crusted blood over his stomach, back, and clothes. He was awake propped up on one elbow staring back at her with wide, almost frightened eyes. There was a long moment of stillness and silence between them. It was broken as Renji stood up, "I should go," he whispered as he reached to grab Zabimaru from the sheets. Before he could right himself, however, a tiny fist knocked the sword from his hand and he stepped back in surprise when Rukia was suddenly in front of him letting her furious palm fly across his cheek like a tiny jolt of lightning.

He stood there momentarily in shock, but the sudden pressure of her arms around him jerked him back to reality. His brow crinkled as he looked down at her and he had to clench his fists to resist the overpowering want to return her embrace despite the stinging of his cheek.

She didn't care that he looked like something the dogs dragged in; that he was in rags or covered in blood and filth. She only cared that he was here and she could feel him, touch him, hold him... and it was real. She was so angry, she wanted to clobber him a hundred more times, but more than that she wanted to feel his arms around her, and the absence of those warm arms on her only made her more frustrated. "Idiot jackass. Hold me before I crush your jewels!"

The ex-shinigami jumped at the loudness of her voice and glanced nervously at the pair that were peering in from the doorway. He reluctantly unclenched his fists and put his hands on her, softly letting himself feel the warmth on his palms. He soon forgot their audience as his focus became her. His arms wrapped around her tighter as he realized he had a need to feel this as well. They stayed like that for several minutes, quietly reveling in each other and briefly oblivious to the world.

It wasn't until Orihime spoke up that the pair jumped back to reality, "Abarai-san said he's sorry, and he misses you." Keeping true to her word, she let Rukia know how Renji was feeling, since he seemed to be at a loss at the moment.

Renji's eye twitched as he stared disbelievingly at her, "Not… the way… that was intended…" he grumbled. His thoughts were cut short then as pain registered where Rukia had just punched him in the gut. Not a pleasant place to get decked after being impaled there only an hour and a half earlier. "Fuck! Rukia! Is that really necessary? Really?" he yelled holding his stomach in pain.

"Fuck you, you asshole! You don't call or write! I didn't know if you were dead or alive! Or worse! Maybe you'd turned into a full blown hollow! You stupid jerk, do you even know what you put me through?" She screamed at him, nearly in tears.

Ichigo grabbed the concerned Orihime by the arm and urged her back, "Lets… give them some time alone, shall we?"

She nodded and closed the door, biting her lip as she turned back and followed the young man to the living room. She was in high hopes that the pair would work things out, but it didn't look very pleasant between them at the moment.

Renji's face showed his upset as he stepped back at Rukia's aggressiveness, "I told you! I told you seven months ago what was gonna to happen! You think I wanted to leave my only friends and go live on the streets?"

"I don't know what you want! I feel like I don't know you at all anymore, Renji!" she shoved him, though it had little effect against his superior size. "If it wasn't for Inoue you wouldn't have even come back at all, would you?" She swallowed, trying not to show how fragile she was feeling inside.

He slunk back from her, somewhat reluctant to answer, "…I didn't… do it to hurt you."

"You're an idiot!" she yelled at him, finally collapsing to her knees and turning her back to him in an attempt to hide her face. She felt tormented and embarrassed, but she just couldn't stop them from falling.

"Why are you being like this? We were separated for forty years! This is like nothing at all compared to that," he said trying to be reasonable as he knelt down beside her, cautious to keep his hands to himself in case she felt the need to lash out again.

Rukia growled as she turned and swung at him again, narrowly missing as he darted back out of her range, "You stupid, stupid man! It meant something to me!" She lunged forward to try again but he seemed to duck her every swing, "Why didn't you stop it before if you knew this was going to happen!" she cried in utter shambles as her strikes became more sloppy, "You ruined me."

Renji stopped dodging and simply allowed her tiny fists to make contact, although they had now lost some zeal. It was agonizing to see her like this, knowing he had been the one to drive her so low. Her fists struck him, and it hurt in more ways than one, but he squeezed his eyes closed and bared the blows, marveling as he felt her love.

His arms came around her and she squirmed in protest she felt his strong embrace. Trying to push him away, she could barely see for all the tears spilling from her eyes, but slowly she was pacified from the war against him. Her trembling arms wrapped around his neck and, as she buried her face in his rough skin, he whispered into her ear in a voice that sounded as broken as her own.

"I want to be with you, Rukia."

She choked down a sob as she pulled herself into his lap and curled so closely she might have been trying to crawl inside of him. She could hear his shuddering breaths as he pressed his mouth against her jaw and kissed her affectionately. She buried her face into his neck, the dampness of her tears wiping against his hot, dirty skin. She felt his hand splayed across the side of her head as he kissed her jaw again. Breathily, he repeated the action several time before she turned her face up to him and found his trembling lips with her own.

As their lips met again and again, all the grief and anger was forgotten and in each other they found a shaky but encompassing peace.

Rukia's nimble fingers grappled at the hair at the back of his neck as she whimpered into his hot mouth. Her legs squeezed his waist and he moaned in fervor, running a hand up her thigh. Panting as their lips parted, his wet kisses trailed back across her jaw and he suckled the side of her neck zealously, reveling in her tender whimpers and mewls against his ear.

"Renji," she whispered as her fingers tangled into his hair, pulling a few locks painfully out of his ponytail.

He couldn't be distracted from lavishing his attention on her sweet skin, and he urgently worked to free her from her clothes. Running his calloused, dirt-stained hands over her stomach and ribs, he lifted her higher while his mouth sank lower. As he lapped at her collarbone his boney fingers squirmed their way under the binding on her breasts and he massaged the supple flesh ardently.

The puffs of breath against his temple were more noticed than the dagger-like fingernails that were drawing painfully down his neck and shoulders. Pushing the material up from her small peaks he eagerly took a small bud into his mouth, suckling and biting the supple flesh greedily. Rukia whimpered and jumped slightly at his assertiveness. The sharp pain of those pointed teeth used on her delicate skin was oddly reassuring. He was there, causing her pain, but she couldn't bring herself to feel anything but need. She squirmed impatiently against him in her exhilaration, leaving raised welts across his skin in the wake of her nails.

Renji could taste blood on his lips, but he continued to suckle the slimy bud, urged on by sweet moans and searing pain. His masculine grunt punctuated her feminine cries as he moved to lavish her other breast, giving it equal treatment as the first. Rukia's body bowed slightly as she unexpectedly orgasmed for the generous pain he gave her and she held her breath to keep from crying aloud.

Renji released her abused flesh and all but threw her onto the wooden dresser that sat just behind them. She yelped as she felt him come over her, kissing her aggressively as his hands nearly ripped her hakama down, not even managing to untie them. She was suddenly faced with her own knees and the wad of her bunched-up hakama binding them. She felt Renji's body pressed against the back of her thighs and she exhaled harshly as her panties were pulled to the side. She felt the head of his erection prodding her entrance as his hands came to plant themselves on each side of her. It was quite painful as he entered, just as she remembered it, but she moaned more at the sensitivity of the orgasm she'd just had.

She wanted this. The pain, the pressure, everything she'd played over a thousand times in her head, trying to remember every detail of that beautiful tragic day. She wanted it again. Why had she embraced it so horribly, she still didn't know, but she had somehow lost herself in him. She hated that the most, but she couldn't change it, though God knew she'd tried.

His mouth was at her temple, panting softly as he began to pump himself into her slick core. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, there was a part of him weeping for the same mistake he knew he was making again, but he'd somehow lost all willpower. Something that, perhaps, wasn't so uncommon where Rukia was concerned. He groaned as he pushed himself deeper into the resistant opening with every thrust, not minding her harsh teeth sinking into his collarbone. As she finally began to feel right around his girth, he began to hear her throaty cries against his broken skin, and he couldn't stop himself from joining her vocalizations despite wanting to be quiet.

It didn't take long before her head fell back and she began to grow increasingly louder. He was being none too gentle with her petite form, but he didn't want her to get any louder, and alert a certain pair of humans of their current activity. He put a hand over her mouth and gave her a soft shush before he increased his pace.

She moaned against his hand, her sorely-stretched opening weeping with every jolting thrust that crushed them against each other. Folded like an origami piece, she could barely move, save to gasp for breath. It really hurt; the edge of the dresser cutting into her back side, the punishing weight of his lunges, the sharp cut of the fabric against her thighs, and the painful size of his member, but somehow she was in unparalleled rapture.

Finally her orgasm hit her and she screamed as she bit into his hand, clenching down hard on his member. He resisted the urge to cry out as the pain in his hand was dwarfed by the sensation of her walls closing down on his throbbing erection. His stomach muscles clenched into a knot as he climaxed inside of her, pumping his essence into her wanting body with a few more desperate thrusts before he all but fell back onto the floor, taking her along for the ride.

She panted against his slick chest as he too struggled for breath. Blood, sweat and semen clung to their spent bodies as they came down from an incredible high. She dipped up and down with each breath he took while time passed very slowly for a few moments. Everything was sticky as Rukia finally lifted her head and looked up at the tall man's face. His eyes were closed and his mouth hung open as he continued to pant heavily. She touched his cheeks with wet, bloodied fingers and those crimson eyes slid open to find her again.

They didn't speak then. A serene silence was there that neither wanted to break, so instead a kiss was given. Renji let his eyes drift closed as he felt those familiar lips, lazy and moist, on his own. He wanted to stay here forever, but of course moments only last a moment, and in a moment it was over. She nuzzled her face against his neck briefly before she stood up and pulled her clothes back on.

He rolled over and stood, doing the same while unconsciously noticing the way she had her back to him.

"So you're leaving now," it was more of a statement than a question.

The red-head frowned at her back, knowing this was coming, "I don't want to," he whispered softly.

Rukia looked over her shoulder at him, "But you have to," she said, almost mockingly. "By all means, don't stay on my account," she added with a generous degree of disdain. It was just easier to be mad at him than to start crying again.

Renji's face contorted in heartbreak, "What do you want me to do, Rukia?" he asked with his voice cracking. He sounded like he could easily have broken down and cried right there, but somehow he kept himself together.

The shinigami girl turned more to him, her anger giving way to sorrow. She stared at his miserable expression, her own lip quivering slightly before she finally responded in a squeaky voice, "I don't know." She turned from him, unable to keep looking at the deplorable look on his face. She knew they were damned, and she would have to let go, but letting go had never come easily for her. There were just too many things stacked against them… and for once she couldn't overcome.

As she stood there grappling with herself, with what she had to do, she heard him approach behind her before his over-sized hand touched her arm, softly. She felt him kiss her hair before he whispered into it. "Wait for me," he said. She turned to him with large uncertain eyes.

"I don't know how, but I'll find some way to fix everything," he said, seeming hopeful.

She pursed her lips, "Renji, you can't just fix things like this," she frowned and gave a soft sniffle, "…and I can't wait for another forty years for you to try."

**A/N: Yeah got kinda mushy there… sorry, I hope they don't seem ooc. Trying to get across how hard it is for them. Well Rukia's a girl… and girls cry, even tough, bitchy girls… so there. Renji managed not to bawl like a sissy so far, so good for him.**


	16. Severed

**Chapter 16**

"Kurosaki-kun, why did you guys come anyways?" the timid girl asked as she sat across from the spiky-haired boy sipping from her glass of water.

Ichigo scratched the side of his neck idly, "We felt your reiatsu flare up. I assumed you must have been in some kind of trouble."

Orihime looked surprised, "Oh… I put up my Santen Kesshun, cause we got attacked by some invisible hollows."

"Invisible hollows?" Ichigo repeated skeptically.

"Abarai-san says they've been following him, but he got hurt trying to fight them this time… It may have been-"

Before she could continue the bedroom door opened and Rukia stepped out, looking quite down-trodden. She found Ichigo and Orihime sitting on the couch together with the television humming softly in the background. They both turned with curiosity and concern in their eyes.

Orihime stood with her hands clenched at her chest, "Kuchiki-san?"

Rukia sighed and sat down beside Ichigo, but didn't speak. The look in her eyes plainly told of her turmoil.

Ichigo's mouth twisted into a crooked frown, "Well?" he asked, "What happened,? Did you kill him?"

The mellowed girl shook her head, speaking in a low tone, "I'm not angry at him anymore."

The boy cocked a brow, "You don't look too thrilled…" He was worried for her, and Renji as well. There was some pessimistic part of him that looked at her face and realized there wasn't going to be a 'Renji and Rukia' anymore.

"I think I'm done," she whispered in a hoarse, broken voice as the others absorbed the deeper meaning behind her words.

Orihime frowned at her friend, then looked toward the cracked door where Renji remained unseen. She walked around the couch and approached the door, peeking in through the gap. "A-Abarai-san?" she asked as she eased the door open and entered.

Ichigo glanced back at her before returning his attention to Rukia, "What'd he say?" He was curious but also a bit cautious because of her obvious distress. He didn't want her to get upset again.

Rukia took a deep breath and then let it out, as if trying to release all the anxiety that was pooling in her system. She looked at the boy with the pout still present on her face, "He asked me to wait for him."

The teen looked surprised, "but…?" He urged her on.

She shook her head.

He frowned and gave a soft sigh before his brow rose as he noticed something, "Rukia, you're bleeding."

The girl looked down and saw the blood on her shirt where Renji had bitten her. She tensed for a moment before she covered the stains with her hands. "It's Renji's blood," she lied, not wanting to get into exactly what had happened… or why she had allowed it to happen.

… … …

Renji was sitting on the blood-stained blanket with a distant expression on his face. He turned his head a tiny bit as he heard Orihime's gentle voice calling him, but didn't give her a verbal response. He looked back toward the far wall with an audible swallow.

"Abarai-san… do… you want to talk…?" the girl asked softly as she sat beside him, avoiding the stains as she tucked her feet under her.

Renji took a long moment before he finally spoke, "It's okay."

Orihime leaned forward and listened, gauging his vacant expression.

"She made the right decision… for both our sakes." His voice seemed eerily composed for what he must be feeling.

The girl pursed her lips and looked down at her lap, where her hands were balled tightly on her knees, "I'm sorry… this is my fault… If I hadn't been so persistent in bringing you here…. It's just that, I thought…"

"You're still young…" he said with a smooth calmness as he turned his face to her. "You'll learn one day… It don't make a lick of difference…" he sounded bitter. She realized he must have been referring to their earlier conversation as he stood. "I think I'll go now… sorry for bleedin' all over your apartment, Inoue," he said touching his freshly bloodied stomach.

The irony of what was really bleeding wasn't lost as the girl diverted her eyes and nodded faintly. She got to her feet as well but then seemed startled as she looked up at his dirty face. Two tears rolled down his cheeks, but he quickly turned away from her and tried to be inconspicuous as he wiped them away.

"Abarai-san," she called sadly, approaching his back, but when he turned back to face her, his eyes were cleared and he was again eerily composed. She sniffled, feeling sympathy for him, "Let me… finish healing you first. You must have tore it back open."

… … …

There was a dim shroud in the room as the ex-lieutenant walked through, keeping his eyes trained on his path as he passed Rukia's lithe form. Orihime followed behind him feeling miserably inadequate in her hopes to help. Ichigo's eyes followed him from the sofa, and he glanced at the petite girl before deciding to follow.

As the crisp night air hit Renji's face there seemed to be a relief of sorts. He stepped down onto the first stair before glancing back at Orihime and Ichigo standing in the doorway. He looked as if he wanted to speak but the right words wouldn't form, so he remained silent.

"Oy, Renji," the teen called over Orihime's shoulder, "How's… the hallow situation?" There was an obviously concern in his tone, but he was holding back the full bulk of his emotions as he watched Renji's impassive face.

Renji's response was dry and distant, "It's getting easier… everyday." It may have been such up until now, but he had a feeling things would turn bad tonight. The hallow was screeching inside of him at this very moment, it's rage and frustration pooling in his veins like a searing poison... just another reason he wanted to leave.

Ichigo seemed slightly nervous as his eyes flickered to the ground, "Your reiatsu seems to be fluctuating…"

Renji sighed softly, "I'll be alright." He turned back down the steps, "Later, Ichigo… Inoue…"

"Bye, Renji…"

… … …

As the ex-lieutenant walked down the dreary alleyways, making his way back to his makeshift home, he tried not to care as the hallow clawed angrily at his sanity. He told himself it was okay- that it would be okay. The hollow's voice, however, strongly opposed his disgustingly guarded submission.

"_You can't fight forever, Renji. You'll break down sooner or later, and I'll be there when you do." _

He brushed off the hollow's threats and forced the swirling in his chest to calm. So distracted with his inner turmoil was he, he didn't immediately notice the dangerous spirit pressure at his back.

"Hello, Abarai Fuku-Taichou."

Renji's eyes went wide as saucers as he quickly spun around, his mouth gaping in shock as he laid eyes on the familiar man, "Aizen…"

"Oh, I'm sorry, you're not a lieutenant anymore. You've dug yourself into quite a rut, haven't you, Abarai-san?"

Renji's reiatsu immediately began to flare as he became increasingly agitated, "You're the one behind this…" He growled, squaring himself off as waves of crimson flared off of him.

"Now now, don't be rash. I'm sorry for leaving you unattended for so long. I had intended to fetch you sooner, but I've just been so busy as of late." Aizen said with a devious smile on his lips.

The red-head could hardly contain his anger, "What the fuck do you want from me!" he screamed as he yanked Zabimaru from it's sheath and pointed it at his old ex-captain.

Aizen waved his hand in front of him as if in casual conversation, "No no, you have it wrong. It's nothing personal. You just…. fit the part, that's all."

"DON'T FUCK WITH ME!" He screamed as he lunged forward in a fit of rage. Sparks flew from Zabimaru's edge as it screeched against Aizen's blade. "I'll fucking kill you."

Aizen shook his head as if disappointed, "You've still got that bad temper, Abarai-san… so predictable… Maybe you'll hear me out if I indulge you, hm?" he said calmly as the weapons trembled between them.

Renji edged forward, "I don't wanna hear your bullshit, Aizen. You ruined my life! Just fucking die!" With that he swung his shikai out and Aizen jumped back to dodge, maneuvering skillfully around the tumbling bricks that fell from Zabimaru's impact. The sword's scream echoed through the cityscape as the skeletal snake morphed into being, "Bankai!" The red and white mask was present on Renji's face as he flash stepped in front of the former captain and swung.

… … …

"Rukia?" Ichigo called softly to the closet door, "I'm going out a bit… your phone keeps flickering… I feel like something's up, and Orihime said something about invisible hollows earlier, so…"

Rukia slid the door open and held her hand out. Ichigo slipped the phone into it and she brought it up to look. "I don't see anything…"

Ichigo shrugged, "The radar's flickered like three times. I'm just gonna go have a look." He seemed to be tip toeing his way around her as he spoke, "You…. need anything?"

She shook her head and handed the phone back to him, but startled as it again flickered to the hollow radar before going blank again. "It did that earlier today too… That invisible hollow… that fought with Renji…" She looked up and her eyes met with the Shinigami boys'.

… … …

"I can feel Renji's reiatsu… Its wavering," she said as the pair hurriedly ran through the city heading toward their friend's spirit pressure.

Ichigo narrowed his eyes, "Something's wrong…"

"With his reiatsu?" Rukia asked apprehensively as they touched down on a rooftop before they shunpoed into the night air again.

"No I mean… the area around him…. It feels… warped somehow… It's really weird," Ichigo said with a quizzical expression. "

As the two grew closer the spirit pressure became increasingly thick, and even Ichigo was finding his breath being sucked from his chest. "W-What… What is this?" he cringed.

Rukia was significantly worse off than her young friend and collapsed to her knees with a gasp, "Ah! T-This is… suffocating… This can't be… Renji's…"

Ichigo strenuously drew his weapon, "Something's here…"

Almost on cue Rukia's phone beeped as a blood-soaked Zabimaru flew through the street like a runaway train, ripping through an unseen assailant with an ear-piercing scream. The air warped and deformed as the creature cried and fell against the building. Bricks and concrete showered the street as people screamed from within the structure. Zabimaru whipped around as the earth shook beneath their feet.

"What the hell was that?" Ichigo yelled as the invisible body flickered away in a black, ashy smoke.

"Renji… wha…" Rukia whimpered from the ground as she appeared to be sagging deeper and deeper into the concrete.

"Rukia! Are you alright?" the boy called as he ran back to her, "Oy! Get a hold of yourself, Rukia."

The building beside them suddenly seemed to shatter like glass as Zabimaru came rushing through it with a crimson reiatsu swirling in it's mouth as it fired a blast that seemed to suck all the sounds from the air as it burst around them.

Ichigo threw himself over Rukia's petite form as she let out a shallow shriek. When the blast cleared, the substitute shinigami sat up and found a white figure standing beside them. His eyes went wide.

"Kurosaki-san… it may not be the best time for a nightly stroll… As you can see, Abarai-san is hm… less than pleased right now," Aizen smirked down at the pair.

"Ichigo! What the hell?" Renji yelled as he landed, the majority of his face covered by the hollow mask. As Ichigo sat back to reveal Rukia's lithe form, Renji's eyes widened a hair.

"I wonder… if they're real, Abarai-san." Aizen said as his eyes looked back to the ex-lieutenant's masked face.

The red-head clenched Zabimaru's hilt and sneered, "Fuck you, Aizen!"

Ichigo too clenched Zangetsu, but he grew concerned as he looked down to see Rukia limp in his arms. "Rukia… Rukia!"

Renji's eyes narrowed, "I'm not…"

The white-clad man remained calm as watched Renji with interest, "Oh dear. Aren't you going to help her? You love her, don't you?"

"Fuck you! I'm not falling for your bullshit," Renji screamed as he raised his sword overhead.

"She'll suffocate…"

Black and gold eyes hesitated as they flickered from Aizen to the limp girl in Ichigo's arms.

"Rukia!" Ichigo yelled as he shook her, "She's dying!"

Zabimaru's deadly fangs flew past the pair and snapped violently, narrowly missing the tip of Aizen's pristine, white cape. Renji appeared in front of Ichigo, readying himself to defend the both of them.

"Oh God," the boy sighed in obvious relief, "She's breathing again." He looked up to find Renji before him, "Renji, what are you doing? Your back is wide open."

The red-head's eyes narrowed puzzlingly, "What-," his words were cut short however as Zangetsu plunged through his neck. Zabimaru screamed as it shattered away into it's original form along with the mask that shielded Renji's face from view. The blade dropped to the road with a clang as trembling hands reached up and grabbed the familiar blade in disbelief. Blood spilled down his chin as Ichigo stepped forward with a smile on his lips, "Told you your back was open, stupid…"

"Y-y-y…ur…go… "Renji tried to speak but only succeeded in producing wet garbled sounds as the crimson liquid flooded his throat.

"No matter how much your mind tells you its not real… Love is a weakness you just can't overcome, isn't it… Abarai-kun…?" Ichigo asked as the image melted away to reveal Aizen's conceited smile.

… … …

Ichigo tapped the phone's screen as he stood on the top of a building's fire escape, overlooking the city. He looked across the light-speckled metropolis once more before he shoved the phone back into his sleeve and turned with a sigh. "How do you find something that's invisible anyways…" he mumbled as he shunpoed down from the railing, and leisurely headed back home.

**Sorry for taking a while with this one. Writer's block and computer problems... Reviews are appreciated! Until next time, you guys can have this cliffhanger...**


	17. A Beautiful Lie

**Chapter 17**

"How long is this schmuck gonna sleep?"

"Why are you complaining? We don't have to deal with anything but harvesting right now."

"I know that! It's just boring… I bet if he woke up though…"

There was a feminine chuckle as Renji slowly became aware. He felt a dull pain in his throat but remained still and quiet as the voices prattled on in his ringing ears.

"He's not bad looking… heh… Wanna have some fun?"

"Loly- what are you doing! Are you mad?"

Renji was dimly aware of a weight settling over his hips and stomach. It was a comforting, familiar feeling; touch. A warm mouth trailed over his jaw as he felt her giggle against his skin while cool fingers trailed over his chest.

"Stop it! If someone comes in here- Loly! Are you listening to me?"

"I hope he's still got enough blood left to get it up," she said sitting up a bit and undoing his belt.

As she began to slide her fingers in, suddenly his eyes shot open and his hand was crushed over her windpipe. They both rolled off of the stainless steel table and ended with him pinning her to the ground with an iron grip on her neck. His eyes darted over her face briefly as he struggled to take in everything as the girl beneath him frantically struggled to dislodge him, unsuccessfully.

The other arrencar girl finally overcame her shock enough to react and she lunged to the defense of her friend. Renji released his first victim and stepped back as he locked arms with the arrencar. His mask quickly encompassed his face as more adrenaline coursed through him.

Loly coughed as she gasped for breath from the floor. She cried out as she saw her friend violently thrown across the lab, "Menoly!" she called, scampering to her feet. Renji's eyes were black as coals as she faced him, frustrated and obviously fearful of the now suffocating reiatsu that was pummeling down on them. "Asshole. Don't get any ideas! You're sure as hell not going anywhere."

Renji sneered behind the mask, "Says you..." He quickly assessed himself. His sword was gone, as was his shirt, and the addition of a shunt was imbedded on the inside of his right arm. A few droplets of blood trickled from it. He must have ripped himself from the table, but he hadn't noticed any pain at the time. "Where's my sword?" he demanded.

Loly was visibly shaking from the intensity of his presence, but refused to show any weakness, "W-Why would I tell you that? Do I look stupid to you?"

He seemed to compose himself a bit as he realized how much his reiatsu was affecting her, "I think voluntarily surrendering the information would be better than the alternative, don't you?"

"That won't be necessary, Abarai-san."

Renji spun to face that despised voice, "Aizen… You son of a-"

"Please, there are ladies present." Aizen feigned disappointment from the dimly light doorway. "I'd like to speak to you for a bit. Can't we act like civil people for just a few moments of sincere discussion?"

Renji snorted, disgust evident in his half smile, "Neither one of us are civil men, and I don't think you needed me to state that."

The two girls had righted themselves and had retreated a ways, but listened curiously, despite the looming danger.

Aizen smiled, "You're in love with her, aren't you?"

Blackened eyes widened, his first thought being one of panic. Had he gotten to Rukia? Was this Aizen about to blackmail him with threats on Rukia's life? He felt a severe disturbance in himself as his hold over the hollow fluctuated in his own panic. "What did you do to her?"

"Nothing, I was just making conversation," he replied, looking no less offended. "She's quite a lovely woman and you always seemed like a good, honest man, Abarai-san… it's rather sad. The rejection must be horrible for you," Aizen pressed on.

Renji's fists were clenched and shaking in restrained rage, "Don't you talk to me about Rukia," he warned in a low voice.

"She tore your heart out, didn't she? For someone as passionate as you, I can't imagine how hard you must be taking it."

Renji's eyes couldn't lie even through the hollow mask that shielded his expression, "Don't fucking talk to me about Rukia!"

Aizen put his hands up, "It's okay to be upset. I'm sure anyone would be in your situation, but I feel like we could help each other, Abarai-san." He paused as he moved forward a step, "What would you say if I told you I could give you what you want?"

"Fuck you. You can't give me what I want, and even if you could, who the hell would trust a traitor like you?" Renji growled as he threw his hand through the air for effect.

Aizen tilted his head, "A fool in love might." He stepped again, "As far as the Gotei thirteen are concerned, you're as much a traitor as I am… and you would risk it."

Renji seemed to hesitate and almost seemed apprehensive, "No, I wouldn't."

Aizen stepped again, his eyes eerily calm, "I know you… Renji. You love her."

Renji's mask crumbled away, forgotten as he became focused on the frighteningly true words of his former captain.

"You would risk everything for that girl. Your job… your life… your happiness… the lives of anyone else is weightless when compared with hers'. Isn't that right?"

The formerly confident red-head now looked lost and uncertain, "W…What do you want from me?"

"No, no. Let's talk about what you want, and what I can give you… How would you like to have her, Renji? All the love she could never give you... I can take away all the obstacles… I can give you her love. Raw, unbridled… everything you can ever imagine. It's what you deserve, isn't it? You devoted everything to her."

"This is…. You're just using this as leverage to get me to submit. It's not going to work!" Renji protested and stepped back from the insufferable truth.

"All you have to do is say yes…"

From the doorway a small bare-footed girl stepped in. Her ebony hair and night sky eyes were radiant as she looked up at the former lieutenant and called his name, "Renji."

"No," he said appearing shaken, "this isn't real…"

"I'm sorry, Renji," her soft, sad voice was perfect in every way. "I was wrong… I don't want to live without you… Please… Please forgive me!"

His sad eyes followed her as she walked up to him and he stayed silent as she shyly clasped his hand with warm, petite fingers.

"I'll wait forever if you want me to, Renji… I just… I didn't want to hurt anymore. Please forgive me," she whispered.

"You know I'll always forgive you, Rukia… Nothing… Nothing you can every say or do will change that… " He pulled her hand around him and she latched herself around him as she sobbed softly against his stomach.

"Please don't leave me again."

The pained look on his face didn't recede as he looked up and laid eyes on Aizen's smiling visage. He held onto the tiny girl with shivering fingers… knowing he was being lied to; knowing he was being used; and knowing he was going to succumb.

...

How long had it been? Rukia wasn't really sure anymore. Renji had been gone for so long the holes he had left in her life had filled. Ichigo was always there. She felt closer to him now than she ever had before. He had helped her cope through the hardest parts. Now the ex-lieutenant was all but forgotten, and she finally felt liberated. Letting go had been the right thing to do, and she was glad she had. Although occasionally she still found herself thinking about him; where he was, if he was doing okay, if she'd ever get to see him again…

Right, now, however, there were matters at hand. Orihime had been abducted and Ichigo had run off to rescue her. Of course she fully intended to join him, but she had to choose her opportunity to leave wisely, or face the consequence of disobeying orders.

As she arrived in the gloomy desert wastes of Los Noches, she was suddenly aware of how alone she was. She could feel the rolling bellow of distant spirit pressures that made the hair on her neck stand on end. What she couldn't feel was Ichigo, Chad, or Ishida's reiatsu, so she sighed and pressed on toward the fortress in the far distance. It was going to be a long walk.

...

Renji stared blankly as the IV sucked blood from his arm like a thirsty vampire. He despised it immensely, but it was a part of the deal. In all honesty it was a small price to pay. All of his life he'd denied himself for the sake of others… but now as he'd sunk as low as a man could sink, settled low on the bottom, in the sediment of his ruined life, he had found a kind of happiness. This life was all a lie, he knew that very well, but if this is what it felt like to live a lie, he wondered why an honest life had ever held appeal.

As one of the scientists removed the IV from his arm, a petite woman trotted into the room, and immediately a smile graced his lips, "Hey."

"You done?" she asked with wide, mischievous eyes.

"Sure am," he replied as he leaned in and gave her a quick peck on the lips. "What's on the agenda?"

She smirked and turned from him, "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"I would actually," he chuckled as he adjusted his jacket into place and zipped it up. It was similar to most of the Espada's outfits, but of course he'd roughed it up some. The arrencar liked to fight a lot, and that suited him just fine. He'd been having a blast sparring with them, some more so than others. The sixth Espada had been particularly favored.

"Hmm…" she mused, "I was thinking we could go get into some trouble."

Renji flashed a toothy grin, "That's just what I like to hear." He grabbed her by the hand and the pair dashed off, eagerly anticipating a new adventure.

As they arrived under the dark skies outside the fortress, they were distracted from their adventures by each other. Some light teasing had turned into a game of 'catch me if you can.' They shunpoed around, dwarfed by the gargantuan scale of the bastion. In truth Renji could have caught her easily, but he liked chasing her, so he let her run. The tumble he took in the sand wasn't intentional, however, and she mocked him for it.

"Aw shut it! Don't make me throw your ass in the sand too, Rukia!"

The impersonator's laughter dulled to a chuckled as she slid down the dune until she was nestled beside him. "I don't mind getting dirty," she purred against his throat, causing him to smirk.

"So much for exploring," he muttered.

She rubbed her hands up his neck, "It's the same old desert. There's nothing new to find." As she began to plant a kiss on his delicately parted lips she abrupty jerked back to alertness.

"Yo, Red" came the familiar, calloused voice of the sixth.

Renji sat up, a bit surprised, and twisted to see Grimmjow standing at the top of the dune.

"Shit's goin' down. Aizen wants you and the missy inside," he barked.

"What kinda shit?" Renji questioned, cocking an eyebrow.

Grimmjow sneered, "Too bad you're so out of the loop, Red, otherwise I'd love to see this shit hit the fan."

"Tell me," Renji demanded as he stood and squared his shoulders, "Less you want me to beat it outta ya." He gave a cocky little grin to punctuate.

"You know how much I love our little play dates, but here's one thing you ain't getting outta me without a good beating… Boss's orders," he growled.

Renji gave a slight frowned and looked out toward the desert as a faint flicker of spirit pressure glanced his senses. Rukia watched his face with eyes that now held a degree of apprehension.

Grimmjow snorted, "Look, don't fuck around, just get inside."

Renji jumped at the sharpness of the sixth's voice against the silence of the night, but inevitably did as he was told. Rukia trailed in his wake, giving a wary glance at Grimmjow as she walked past him.

...

Renji sat in his room contemplatively staring out the barred window as Rukia sat quietly on the pillow at his feet. She seemed nervous and troubled as she watched him.

"W-what are you thinking about?" she asked timidly.

He was drawn from his thoughts as her voice interrupted. Glancing at her he shook his head and sighed. "Just…" he trailed off with a sigh.

"Are you afraid, Renji?" she asked touching his knee as she watched his tense face.

"Afraid? Why would I be afraid?" he scoffed, puffing out his chest.

Her eyes softened, "Because… you might have to face them."

He visibly cringed, "That's not…!" he started harshly but then his voice dampened. "Who is it… is it the Gotei Thirteen? I know you know."

Her face softened, "You know I can't tell you that, Renji."

He pursed his lips before he looked away, withdrawing from her as he turned his eyes back to the dark window.

The impersonator seemed genuine as she gently rubbed his hand with her thumb. After a long uncomfortable silence she laid her head against his knee, "Inoue Orihime is here in Los Noches… she has been for some time…"

Renji stared down at her wide-eyed and in disbelief, "What?"

She returned her eyes to his, "Ulquiorra brought her here… Kurosaki Ichigo is the one causing the stir… he and some friends have come to retrieve her."

Renji stood up, causing her to fall back onto her rear, "Wh-Wha…" He was at an obvious loss for words, "How could…" After a swallowing the spike in his throat he managed to speak properly, "Where's Inoue?"

The fake Rukia shook her head, seeming almost afraid as he loomed over her.

"Tell me where she is!" he demanded growing rigid.

"She's safe, Renji! She hasn't been harmed." she pleaded.

He seemed satisfied with that answer and paused for a time before speaking again, "And the ones coming here… are my friends…" He suddenly looked ill. "What… have I been doing…" he asked softly as he sank back down to the bed.

"You haven't done anything wrong," she reassured him as she moved up and cradled him against her bosom. "Just stay here with me and everything will pass soon," she whispered into his hair.

"She'll… be with him…" he said in a quiet, trembling voice.

The impersonator squeezed him closer, "There's no one else but us, Renji. I love you, so just stay with me… please…" She whispered, "I love you…"

His jaw was trembling as he forced the words from his lips, "You're… not… real…"

**A/N Sorry for the long break. Writer's block coupled with me working separately on a doujinshi kinda slowed me down. It's a Renji/Rukia one too(Hentai! Rated 18+ be warned.), if anyone wants to read it it's posted here -**

**www(dot)paperdemon(dot)com/rccomic/about/329(dot)html (sorry you'll need to fix the address to see it... damn site...)**

**Thanks for reading. R/R please**


	18. Opened Eyes, Closed Eyes

**Chapter 18**

"Inoue!" came Ichigo's slightly hoarse voice.

Rukia trotted behind him, scanning the vicinity for the girl's familiar reiatsu. Ishida and Sado had split off from them moments ago, deciding if they split into teams they'd be able to cover more ground. "It's kinda quiet… I think… too quiet."

"They're probably waiting for us… Waiting to spring their trap… whatever it is…" Ichigo muttered. "Stay close."

Rukia paused as they came to an opening in the long hallway, "Wait Ichigo." She seemed alarmed as she gripped her sword's hilt.

Ichigo turned back to look at her, puzzlement creasing his brow, but as Rukia began to speak again a booming roar shrieked down the cavern as bricks flew through the air like angry rain.

Rukia fell back and covered herself as she was violently pelted by falling rocks. As the rumbling stopped she looked up to find the room filled with dust. She could briefly make out the shape of a large creature looming in front of her, but as the dust cleared so did the appearance of the beast. Her eyes grew wide as she suddenly realized she couldn't see Ichigo, "Ichigo!" Piles of crumbled bricks surrounded her as she clambered to her feet, "Ichigo, where are you?"

She heard a throaty groan and quickly clambered over the rocks until she saw it's source. "Ichigo!" It wasn't good. He had a pretty serious head injury, and was obviously disoriented. Blood covered one half of his face as he lay limply among the jagged stones. "Say something," she pleaded as she pulled the rocks from atop his body, "Ichigo, say something."

She startled as she felt the slight quake of a dangerous footstep. She spun on her heels and quickly withdrew her sword, eyes nervously scanning the dusty cavern. "Where are you!" she demanded, sounding more confident than she was feeling.

… … …

"Renji!" her panicked voice rang in his ears as he moved forward. "Renji, don't do this! Please!" Tiny fingers shakily gripped the back of his uniform.

The Ex-Shinigami could not be swayed, however, and pushed on, ignoring the Rukia impersonator incessantly tugging at his back. He felt her. The familiar reiatsu that her impersonator did not possess. It was making his insides turn flips.

'_Rukia…'_

… … …

_A thick stream of blood gushed from her mouth as she flew back hard into the stone wall while her snow-white sword went clattering across the floor. Powdery particles of ice danced softly through the air, making her breath frosty. _

"_Rukia…" called a still incapacitated Ichigo as he crawled from the rubble in a debilitating daze._

_The petite girl pushed herself to her feet shakily as her sapphire eyes scanned the room for any sign of the elusive beast. As the frost settled against transparent skin she was suddenly able to make out the beast's position. She quickly dove for her sword, able to see her narrow path to victory, but as her fingers were on the verge of reaching it she screamed as the giant leaped on top of her. Her sword's blade snapped in two under its weight as she felt a giant clawed hand crush her into the ground. A guttural moan escaped her small form as the tiles around her cracked and fractured under the pressure. _

_She could feel only the crushing bulk of the beast's weight as things began to grow blurry. The pain was unbearable as she heard Ichigo's frightened voice calling her name as she tried desperately to take a breath. _

_He charged in at the indiscernible creature, stumbling quite noticeably. His head was a muddled mess as he tried hard to focus, but with all the blood running through his eyes and down his chin, it made it even harder to see. He swung his blade and was met with what felt like a hit, but no sooner than his blade had stopped he was suddenly swatted through the air like a rag doll. He braced himself for impact, but instead he was met with a warm body and a pair of strong arms catching him rather gently. His vision was seeing doubles but as he looked back over his shoulder he saw some rather unmistakable red spiky hair. _

"…_R-Renji?" _

_He felt himself settled onto the ground as a rush of air flew past him. He tried to stand, but, only managed to stumble awkwardly to the wall, where he then leaned heavily to stay upright. A screeching roar echoed through the chamber as the creature was rapidly vanquished. _

_Renji stood over the injured girl feeling afraid and tense as she breathed shallowly in the small crater where she lay broken. The beast's torn body evaporated into dust behind him as he knelt and touched her face softly. _

_She moaned softly but her eyes remained closed. "Sorry…" he muttered softly as he scooped her up and carried her over to where Ichigo was shakily leaning against the wall, watching him. _

_Things were slowly clearing in the boy's head as Renji arrived at his side, adjusting Rukia under one arm and grabbed Ichigo against his side, without so much as a word. _

"_W-What are you doing here? Where did you come from?" Ichigo asked as he threw his arm over Renji's shoulder as the taller man all but dragged him, stumbling, down the hall._

"_That's not important right now. Gotta get you two somewhere safe," he replied sounding hushed. _

"_Inoue's-" Ichigo began but was cut off._

"_I know, Ichigo. I'll take care of her," he said as he edged up to the brick wall and pressed one of the bricks, activating the wall to slide back and reveal a dimly lit hallway. He pulled them into the dark hall and settled them down on the floor, "Listen," came his hushed voice again as he looked into Ichigo's chocolate eyes, "Stay here. I'll bring Inoue, and she'll heal ya'll."_

"_What? No way," Ichigo protested as he sat forward to get up._

_Renji stopped him with a firm hand on his shoulder, "Ichigo, You gotta stay with Rukia. It's safe here if ya just lay low. No one should be comin' through this hall." _

"_How do you know all this?" the boy asked with a quizzical expression on his bloodied face._

_Renji was quiet for a moment and his jaw tightened. "I'll be back soon." He left swiftly and closed the door before anything else could happen. _

… … …

_The red head walked through the halls, attempting to act as nonchalant as possible as he passed a few of the Espada whom had grown familiar with his presence after so long. He was on the move toward where he assumed Inoue would be. He sure hoped his hunch was right, otherwise this could get nasty._

_He made sure no one was in the hall before he began opening doors. They all appeared unoccupied as he went down the line of rooms. He was nearly at the end of the hall when he sensed a dimly familiar reiatsu. 'Gotta be hers'" he thought as he grabbed the door handle. "Locked… well shit." He smirked to himself, 'picked locks way more difficult than this un,' he mused as he fished a bobby pin out of his hair. And picked the lock in a matter of seconds. 'Growin' up as a street rat gots its perks.' He entered the room and was pleased to see Inoue's big eyes greeting him. _

"_A-Abarai-san! What are you doing here?" she gasped out as she got to her feet. _

_He grabbed her by the hand and turned back to the doorway, "No time for yappin'. Come on, we're goin'."_

"_B-but the Espada-" she began._

"_I know, Inoue. Ichigo and Rukia're in trouble. You gotta heal 'em so ya can all get outta here. Stay real close with me, I ain't gonna let them hurt ya," he said as he checked the hall before they left the room._

_Inoue was trembling as Renji suddenly stopped and backed them both against the wall. He put his finger to his mouth, signaling for her to stay quiet, before leaning over to peek around the corner. She could hear subtle voices, softly making casual conversation. Renji suddenly tugged her on as they quickly crossed the intersection. They seemed to have made it through without being spotted. It was actually a bit surprising considering Renji didn't seem like the stealthy type to her, of course she didn't know he'd grown up as a pick-pocket and a thief._

_Everything went eerily smooth as the pair approached the home stretch and Renji reached out to tap the brick that triggered the hidden door to slide open. Renji roughly nudged Inoue into the path before closing the door behind them. _

_The first thing he noticed was how drastically Rukia's condition had deteriorated. Ichigo was holding her and looked to be nearly in tears as he was trying to wake her. _

"_Inoue! She's having trouble breathing. She's bleeding inside bad."_

_The healer got right to work as she could see the petite girl gasping sporadically, blood trickling generously from the sides of her mouth. Ichigo was unconsciously rocking her as he softly whispered encouragement to her limp form._

_As the orange light engulfed the both of them, Renji stepped back to lean against the wall, seeming to withdraw from the bloody scene. The only sign of his unrest was his jaw chattering softly as he turned his eyes away. Seeing Rukia like this… both devastated him and infuriated him, but more than that he felt a gargantuan surge of the reality he'd been so readily avoiding… and it felt real._

_The swell of churning tides in him battered against his ribs as his eyes darted back to the red blood oozing down her pale lips. His Rukia… the one and only thing in his life that couldn't be replaced... and yet somehow he had managed to do just that. But now his fantasy world was quickly crumbling down around him, and he knew he could never come back again. He'd have to stay here now; in this world that made him hurt and made him suffer like fate's most favorite plaything… He mourned a sense a loss as he slid down the wall and quietly watched them with eyes that were dark and dull._

_It was probably an hour or two before anything changed. They'd heard the odd footsteps here and there, but their hide away had proved stable. No words were spoken as they sat there in the dark, the only light being Inoue's healing energies._

_Ichigo's injury was all but gone when Rukia's tender eyes finally fluttered open. She gave a soft, slightly hoarse whimper as she turned her head up to look at him, "Ichigo?"_

_He smiled down at her, "Hey… you had us all scared. Welcome back from the brink."_

_Rukia puffed, "Don't be dramatic, idiot… wait… us?" She looked over to see Inoue's brightly smiling face looking back at her. "Inoue! You're safe."_

"_Keep it down. We ain't out of the woods yet," came a familiar voice that didn't sound like Chad or Ishida._

_Rukia's eyes widened as she sat up on her elbows to see if her ears were deceiving her. It was hard to make out anything in the darkness. The only thing she could see with the dim lighting was his silhouette. "Is it…" she began but trained off._

"_Yeah... It's me," was the only response she got. _

_She nearly jumped right up, but the pain was still very much present and she only managed to twist marginally, "W-how?" she questioned as her eyes looked hard into the darkness. _

"_Ain't important right now. It's not gonna be easy breakin' outta this place so stay quiet and let Inoue finish."_

_Rukia looked very dissatisfied with the response and obviously wanted to push the matter, but Ichigo grabbed her shoulders and pulled her back down, "Come on, Rukia, lie still. We can deal with this later. We still have to get Chad and Ishida and get everyone outta here."_

_It was obvious by the tense expression on her face that his presence had torn open some old wounds, but she complied for the moment to let Inoue treat her new ones. _

_As the four quietly sat in the dim hall there was a sudden unease that swept through them, and Renji stood quickly with his hand on his hilt. There was a soft well-known cry as the ex-shinigami grew visibly tensed. _

"_Red. I know you're in there. Come out, Come out."_

_Renji recognized the voice immediately as the Sixth… exactly someone he didn't need to see right now. He looked down at the three on the floor beside him, trying to decide his next course of action._

"_Red!" came Grimmjow's impatient voice._

"_Ah- R-Renji please!" the feminine call was desperate and strangely familiar to all the group members._

"… _Stay" he whispered as he opened the door and exited, coming face to face with the Espada and his little impersonator who was being harshly gripped by the back of her neck._

"_You been up to no good, Red… Now why'd you have to go and do something like that, eh? I liked ya… A lot more than these other fuckers, that's for sure."_

_Renji was fairly concerned that he would hurt the girl, despite knowing she was not Rukia, he still had some semblance of feelings for her after all they'd shared. "What are you doing with her?"_

_Grimmjow smirked, "Why do you care what I do with her? She ain't your woman. Jig is up, right?" With a sharp yelp, he yanked her back just to emphasize that he could do what he wanted with her now that she wasn't important anymore._

"_Let her go," Renji said, trying to ignore the friends that were now poking their heads out from the dark hall despite his warnings to stay put. _

_Ichigo had his sword drawn and stepped up beside the red-head, ready to back up his friend despite being rather confused about the girl's appearance. Inoue helped support the still injured Rukia as they stepped out into the scene. _

"_Told you to stay," the ex-shinigami growled._

"_You're not the boss here, Renji." Ichigo retorted, intent on assisting his friend despite his instructions._

_Rukia's eyes were wide in shocked horror as seeing a mirror image of herself standing at the other end of the hallway in an Espada's grip. At first she was confused, but then she looked over at Renji and things began to make some sliver of sense… 'So that's why he's here…' She seemed to seethe the more she thought about it._

"_Hm, I like you more when you're swingin' your sword, hippy. I ain't allowed to kill ya, but I ain't got no orders bout your girlfriend or these riffraff," Grimmjow mocked as he waved the feeble girl around, making her cry loudly._

"_Renji, Please!" she wailed as she tried to pry his iron grip from the back of her neck to no avail. "Please, save me…" Big pearly tears streamed down her cheeks as she looked pleadingly at him. _

_He could almost feel the real Rukia's fury lashing at his back as he stepped forward and drew his sword. "I know you ain't the type to beat up on weaklin's, so you wanna fight, lets fight."_

_The sixth had a grave expression as his sapphire eyes locked with ruby ones. "Actually, I just brought her so you could say goodbye… Sorry, Red. Orders are orders," he said before he rammed his hand through her chest so hard the eruption of crimson gore sprayed half the length of the hallway._

_At that moment the walls suddenly quaked as the invisible beasts that Aizen had been creating all but burst from the walls around them. Rumbling roars rippled down the hall as everything turned to chaos._

_Grimmjow dropped the girl's body as the illusion that had been surrounding her flickered out like a dying fire. The sixth turned and walked out of the hall abandoning both Renji and the corpse to the shuddering hallway._

_Renji shot forward cutting through two of the illusion beasts as Ichigo swung at the ones behind. Inoue's shield panged as it repelled the falling bricks while she and Rukia ducked to the ground under it._

_Renji skidded to a halt and fell to his knees over the soaked red figure who's unfamiliar green eyes stared up at him through the haze of pain. "R…en…ji… I'm… sorry."_

_Her features were nothing exceptional as he looked down on her and gently reached out to cradle her head. "It's not your fault…It's my fault," he said sadly. _

"_My face…. You can see it…" she choked out a whisper as her fingers sought him out as her vision began to darken._

"_Yes. The illusion is broken," he muttered in a low voice as his free hand captured hers' and he squeezed it gently, reassuringly._

"_I… am so happy… you're still… here with me…" She coughed harshly as blood spilled rapidly from her mouth and nose, "I wanted to… tell you for so long… my name…is…K…" her breath ceased before any more words could come, and Renji felt a sinking nausea pierce his gut. _

_Rukia's icy powers made mist around them and the beasts became easy to distinguish. Ichigo dispersed them without trouble in the narrow corridor and their bodies flickered away as dust. As Inoue took down her shield their eyes turned to Renji, who was still kneeling beside the dead hallow girl. _

_Since she'd not been slain with a zanpakutou her soul would not be reborn in the soul society… instead it would be lost, wither and disappear forever. The thought made Renji feel much the same._

_Ichigo was the first to approach, passing the large hole in the wall that opened up to the night sky and stand beside the kneeling Renji, who seemed forlorn as ever._

"_Renji… Sorry, but we gotta go," he said sympathetically as he put a hand on his hurting friend's shoulder._

_The tall man stood and nodded before he glanced over at Rukia who was still standing at a distance, but was watching him with aloof eyes. He turned and sheathed his weapon, "Grimmjow's not finished… and neither am I… Leave me and go."_

_A/N Yes... I'm quite aware I've taken forever with this... but on top of being busy I had to think up something to actually write, which was hard... *sigh*_


	19. United and Fallen

**Chapter 19**

"Don't be ridiculous, you idiot!" Rukia growled at the red-head, "We're going! Now come on! If we keep hanging around, it's just going to attract more-"

"Hallows," he said bitterly, "I know. Don't you think I know?" His body was shaking ever so slightly as he squared his shoulders and faced her reprimand head on, "I told you to leave me and go!"

Rukia was a bit surprised at his behavior. He rarely got so irate with her he resorted to confronting her in this manner. His distress was obvious to all of them. "We're not leaving without you, Renji," the petite girl said calmly as Inoue and Ichigo remained quiet, unsure of whether to intervene or not at this point.

"Don't you get it…" he said in a low, shaky voice, "The reason I'm here… this whole fucked up mess! Aizen's fuckin' illusion beasts?" He was shaking much more noticeably now as he threw his hand through the air angrily.

"What exactly am I supposed to be getting, Renji? Whatever hole you've dug yourself into, we're here to pull your ass out, got it? Stop being so dramatic and get moving!" Rukia barked back at him, wanting nothing more than to slap him right across that perfect face of his.

"I don't have anywhere to go back to, Rukia!" He yelled, his voice dry and cracking from the swell of emotion that was painfully tightening around his throat. "Maybe Soul Society could have pardoned me before… but that's too far gone now. Aizen's the one behind what they did to me at the lab. He's the one who turned me into this, "he said as the hollow mask materialized across his face. His blackened eyes stared at her with pain and torment through the boney masquerade.

Rukia was snapped out of her anger when the familiar dreaded mask appeared on his face. Visions flashed in her mind of the last time she saw it and she felt a cold fear arise on the back of her neck. She quickly shoved the feeling down and re-gathered her strength. "…So what about it," she replied, more softly than she'd intended.

Renji snorted almost mocking her response, "I been helpin' the bastard… is that plain enough for ya'll?"

Inoue gasped, shaking her head, and grabbed a hold of Ichigo's arm in shocked disbelief.

Ichigo, himself was flabbergasted, "T-that's ridiculous! I won't believe that, Renji! What motive would you have for something like that?" the boy screamed in denial.

Rukia's eyes were wide and her lips were tight as she stared at the man she once thought she knew like the back of her hand. The mask he'd dawned hid his face and made it easier for her to distrust him, but even so, her insides twisted and gnarled for the refusal to believe Renji could willingly help that mad man. Even as she looked upon him now and felt trepidation as the flashes of fragmented past could not be quelled from her mind, she knew he was a good person… a good man.

"Motive…?" he said bitterly as he looked down at the dead girl beside him, "She's layin' right there…" His eyes narrowed, "I was already a traitor to Soul Society… I hit rock bottom a long time ago and I've just been sinkin' deeper in the mud ever since!"

"But Aizen?" Ichigo clenched his fists to help repress his frustration, "You hated him! Probably more than all the rest of us combined!"

"It ain't changed…" he spat bitterly, "I just wanted… I wanted to breathe again, damn it! If the only way to do that is to live in a fantasy world, then so be it! I don't… I don't care anymore!" He screamed his frustration as the red waves of his reiatsu flared out around him. "Can't you understand, Ichigo? I get no respite! Inside there's beast tearin' at my guts and outside all the people who used to be my friends have turned against me! I'm not…" Dropping to his knees as the mask broke away into stardust to reveal his tormented visage. He was undone by everything that he'd become. "I'm not invincible…" his voice trailed.

"I know, Renji… I'm not against you," Ichigo said sympathetically as he stepped toward his friend.

Inoue followed quickly behind him, "I'm not against you either, Abarai-kun." She smiled sweetly at him, "I think you're very brave."

Renji's eyes narrowed as he frowned deeply up at the pair in front of him. His eyes turned to the dark-haired shinigami that remained at a distance.

She remained cold toward him, although her eyes were brimming with bottled emotion. A silence hung in the air as she slowly turned toward him, but refrained from making eye contact. "I don't condone what you did, Renji. Actually it really pisses me off…" she nearly growled. "That… that thing you just…" She bit her lip as her eyes glossed over, "It disgusts me!" she yelled stomping her foot angrily.

Ichigo pouted and moved to interject, "Rukia, don't you think you could-"

"BUT," she continued, disregarding Ichigo's attempt to quell her. "But…" she walked up to him and stopped as she stood before his crumpled form, "I understand why," she muttered as she wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him. The reassurance was like a breath of air to a drowning man.

"I'm sorry, Rukia…" he whimpered as he hid his face against her petite shoulder, "I-I'm sorry."

Ichigo and Inoue smiled a bit as they watched their friends, but as they felt distant reiatsus jolting and flaring Ichigo interrupted, "Listen guys, It's great that we're all making up here, but Ishida and Chad are still running around here in a maze of hollows. Can we do this later?"

Rukia stepped away from the red-head and nodded as he moved to stand up. As they turned to leave the brick-strewn hallway, Renji stood fast, remaining beside the bloodied body of his ill-fated comrade.

"Renji?" Rukia asked as she noticed his down-cast eyes fixed on the motionless body.

"I… I need to set things right here. Aizen uses my blood to create the illusion beasts. If I can destroy the lab, it might put a dent in his army reserves." There was also revenge… not only revenge for the unknown hollow girl who'd been so callously thrown away, but also for his own sake. "I need to make some heads roll."

"For her?" Rukia asked seemingly perplexed.

He gave a short nod. "She deserves to be avenged… and I deserve… to be the one to do it," he said as he looked up from the carcass and met Rukia's puzzled expression.

Ichigo stepped up beside him, "Then… we'll go it together."

"Ichigo…" he said a little surprised.

"Yes. I can help too, Abarai-kun. You did come to rescue me, after all," Inoue smiled.

He felt a warmth in his chest as his friends loyally stood beside him. Hueco Mundo was a dismal place that seemed to suck away genuine feelings of hope or happiness. It was something he hadn't felt in a long time, and it heightened his morale.

Rukai's soft smile was the biggest morale boost though, "Yeah. Lets go together."

… … …

"...enji..."

"…Renji."

His head hurt.

"Renji! Wake up, damn it!"

His tired orbs slowly slid open as the persistent calling grew louder in his ears. He moaned dryly as he rolled onto his stomach. His vision was blurry as he tried hard to focus. "Rukia?" he asked the feminine voice.

"Yes, dummy. Hurry up and help me. Get up," she replied anxiously.

As his vision began to focus, he realized only one of his eyes was currently working. He reached up to touch his face and found it was warm and wet from the copious amount of blood that coated it. The pain was pulsing through his very skull in time with his heartbeat. He gave himself a quick check and found several other abrasions on his shoulder and legs, but nothing that felt too serious. He found Rukia beside him with an unresponsive Chad, and a wounded Ishida, who was conscious but only just.

"Where's Ichigo and Inoue?" He asked as he got to his feet, mindful of his bloodloss as he moved his bandana down across his wounded eye and tightened it a bit.

"I don't know, but I think Inoue is hurt," she said worriedly, disregarding her own lacerations. Her kimono was barely clinging to her torso and much of her breast binding was stained red.

"Are you okay?" he asked as he tilted to look at her wound.

"I'll manage. Come with me. We have to find them quickly." She dashed off and he swiftly followed.

"What happened? It's a bit fuzzy," he asked as he got to her side.

Rukia snorted in disbelief, "Hah, that's a laugh. I'll just say Aizen's not gonna be making anymore illusion beasts with what you did to that lab. After the Espada showed up, things started to get ugly. Ichigo and Inoue got separated. We have to get back, Renji. We can afford any more damages. If anything has happened to Inoue, I'm afraid Sado and Ishida won't make it."

Renji nodded as Rukia slowed a bit and began to frantically look around. She was frightened, he realized, and it created a feeling of protectiveness in him that was making him tremble. It was only momentary before they found their two friends, and when they did fright and shock was only the tip of what they felt.

Ichigo's hollow form sported huge, sword-like horns and black, reckless eyes as they turned from their prior engagement and settled on the two newcomers.

"Ichigo…" Rukia whispered as she shivered from the thick, viscous spirit pressure that was bombarding the area.

Renji could see the intent in those murderous eyes as easily as he could read. "Rukia get back," he said sternly as he stepped forward and put his arm in front of her.

"What-" she began, but the red-head cut her short.

"Get back now," he said again, sounding much harsher.

Rukia startled at his tone and backed up immediately, deeply concerned for the grotesque looking beast that was somehow her friend.

"Ichigo," Renji said with a steady voice, "wake up, man."

The hollow roared as the tip of it's horns swiftly collected a powerfully burning cero.

Renji realized Ichigo was far beyond words at this point and reacted the only way he could. He summoned his hollow powers mere seconds before the cero fired at him. He couldn't dodge it with Rukia behind him. This was gonna hurt…

A blinding light lit up the area as the cero screamed around him. He could barely hear Rukia crying his name through the blast of red-hot torrents around him. He yelled as he stepped into the flare and threw his own crimson reiatsu into it, cutting it as he felt his powers surge like never before. His black and gold eyes became fixated on the slim form in front of him.

Ichigo let a rattling growl escape as he squared up with the older man. Renji snorted as he did the same. "So be it," he muttered in a distorted voice.

"Stop it! Both of you! Ichigo, it's us! Please- there's no more enemies here to fight!" Rukia pleaded as she stepped toward them.

"Stay back Rukia!" Renji demanded without taking his eyes from his target. "He's not Ichigo right now. He'd sooner kill you than look at you. Now stay the hell back!"

Rukia clenched her sword in her fist as a horrific battle began between the two titans. Her teeth chattered together as the enormous waves of spirit pressure assaulted her small body heavily. She reluctantly backed away as she found it increasingly harder to catch her breath in the deluge of raw power. She tripped suddenly as the ground began to quake. The pressure was unbearable as she lay there on the quivering ground, concentrating all her efforts into just breathing. It was then she noticed a pair of watery eyes staring back at her from a comparable position on the ground several meters away.

Inoue's shield was sporadically flickering around herself as she crawled across the sand toward Rukia. When they finally met, their hands clasped together as a huge dome of light illuminated the sky in the distance.

"K-Kuchiki-san…we have to… make it s-stop," Inoue managed to whisper hoarsely.

At the site of the battle, destruction was abundant. Ichigo's rage seemed boundless and Renji's conscious mind became more and more distant in the haze of battle. Black, heartless eyes were fixated on one another as gargantuan sized ceros were tossed back and forth between them. Stone structures crumbled around them as sharp sands swirled in their massive reiatsu.

Renji's crimson spirit pressure seemed to take form around him as Zabimaru warped and contorted into a grizzly shadow of it's former self. Blades cleaved through flesh that quickly forgot to bleed as the wounds seemed to vanish. The mortifying screams of the crazed Hollows was drowned by the loudness of the destruction that boomed through the atmosphere.

The battle seemed without end as Inoue and Rukia lied still and waited for some sign of closing, but none came; No Aizen showed up, no Espadas, no Shinigami, no relief came to their searing lungs.

Inoue choked as blood flowed from her nose. "I… I can't… any…more…" she whimpered.

"It's almost over, just… hang on," Rukia whispered back as she squeezed her hand to try and reassure her. In truth, however, Rukia had been tasting blood in her mouth for some time. She could feel her strength waning and her fear grew with every passing minute as she watched Inoue fading in front of her. 'Please… one of you, please wake up and see what's happening…' she pleaded silently.

Somewhere in the haze of insanity Renji could feel a soft desperation pulling at him as he swam in a flurry of malice. The hollow was alive with bloodlust as he watched himself fighting from an unconscious mind. He could hear a voice somewhere dimly pleading for help, but it wasn't until a flash of remembrance showed him Rukia's face and the scent of her fear, that he realized something was very wrong.

Quickly his eyes left their quarry and found Rukia crumpled on the ground with a red patch of sand under her. A fear rose in him as he attempted to go to her, but Ichigo intercepted him with another attack. He had to stop Ichigo at once, and essentially, he did just that. When he dropped Zabimaru, the stressed sword immediately reverted to it's original form. Ichigo didn't relent, however, and as Renji grabbed hold of the boy and maneuvered him into a position where the girls were visible, Ichigo's blade found it's way into tender flesh.

Renji could not be swayed from his task, despite the pain. "Look Ichigo!" he screamed into the boy's ear, "Look what we're doin' to them."

The beast paused as his deadly eyes saw the still bodies in the distance.

"They're dying," Renji said as the words seemed to sink in to his own mind as well.

His hold on Ichigo went lax as his tattooed mask suddenly broke and crumbled into dust. He stumbled away as his eyes were trained on the limp bodies in the distance. Ichigo stood fast as he stared, unblinking, as the red-head began to run toward them.

When Renji got to Rukia's side he quickly scooped her up, calling her name with an powerful fear in his voice.

It was then the blackness faded from Ichigo's eyes and his daunting horned mask split down the middle and fell away in the wind. His clothes shredded and his mask gone, his eyes were wide and mortified as he ran full force toward his friends.

Renji was holding the petite girl in his trembling arms with a heart-wrenching expression on his face. He called her and shook her lightly trying to get any kind of reaction. A small whimper finally escaped her mouth as she took a quivering breath against his chest. He closed his eyes and sighed before kissing her head several times in amazing relief.

Ichigo fell to his knees beside his friend as he peered down at Inoue's still body. He rolled her over and gasped as he saw the blood covering her mouth. His breath caught horribly as he stared while tears welled in his wide eyes.

Renji clutched Rukia tightly as he looked over at Inoue and tightly closed his eyes in denial as he turned away.

Ichigo refused to accept what he was seeing. He quickly tilted her head back and pressed his mouth to hers, pushing his breath into her before he sat up and began to pound on her chest. He repeated the actions for what seemed like hours, pounding against her ribs and breathing into her mouth. He knew very well how to perform the life-saving act, as he'd done it on several occasions in his father's clinic, but this time it was different. This time, it was Inoue. This time, he was responsible.

"Inoue!" he cried out as he threw his weight down against her chest over and over, before leaning down and breathing into her again. "Inoue please!" tears were streaming down his face at this point. His desperation was unbearable to watch as Renji held fast to the small shinigami his lap, petting her gently as he tried to avoided watching the scene beside him.

It was then a staggering cough and wheezing breath erupted through his ears and he shot up to see Inoue being cradled shakily in a harshly panting Ichigo's arms.

Renji had never been one to blindly believe in a greater entity, but at that moment he thanked whatever god or spirit was watching over them that day as he securely held onto the woman he loved.

… … …

At Urahara's shop, he sat at Rukia's bedside stroking her hair slowly as he watched her serene face. On the next futon, Ichigo was sitting beside Inoue, seeming forlorn and lost as he stared at the floor with the girl's pale hand in his. Chad and Ishida had woken a few hours ago and were now eating in the other room as Urahara discussed his predictions of future enemies with them.

Renji laid his head down as the warm sun spilled in through the windows. He was pretty tired, and not completely unscathed after such a draining battle. He was beginning to fade off when Ichigo's voice pulled him from his doze.

"If you hadn't…" he said softly, almost as if he were talking to himself. "If you hadn't woke me up when you did, they would have both died there like that."

Renji lifted his head from the pillow, "Don't think about it, Ichigo."

"It would have been my fault… I was… trying to protect her…" he continued sounding dejected.

"I know, man. I know, but don't put all the blame on yourself. I was there too." He closed his eyes, "I was there…" It wasn't the first time his hollow side had gone out of control and Rukia had ended up hurt because of it… but it was the first time it'd come so close. He tenderly kissed her forehead before he got up.

"Where are you going?" Ichigo said when the older man began to leave the room.

Renji's expression was tired yet decisive, "I still don't belong here." He paused, "Maybe you don't either…"

"You can't leave!" Ichigo quickly stood up. "I need you here, Renji... in case…"

"Hmph, the roles are reversed now, ay?" he said bitterly.

The boy's expression was broken as he stared somberly at his friend, "I don't want to leave them."

Renji's eyes mirrored the cheerlessness in Ichigo's chocolate pools, "That feelin' never really goes away…" he said as he looked back at the sleeping Rukia and swallowed the spine in his throat.

**A/N: So it's been ages since I last updated, and well there you have it, another update. Reviews are appreciated. Thanks for reading.**


	20. One Day

**Chapter 20**

Ichigo sat on the porch nibbling on some pocky he'd just bought from Urahara's shop. Renji was on the roof just above him patching a few leaks that Urahara had guilted him into fixing. It was alright though. It gave him a sense of normality he'd been missing. Ichigo was about to offer the red-head some sweets when Rukia appeared at his side.

"Rukia, you're awake!" he exclaimed as he went stiff. "Are you feeling okay? You hurt anywhere?"

"I'm alright. My injuries weren't too bad," she said softly. "And you?"

"Mm… yeah . I'm okay," he said seeming quite insecure about himself. "But…Inoue… She almost died because of me. I sorry, Rukia… I just was seeing red, and I couldn't stop myself."

"It's okay, Ichigo. It wasn't your fault, and I'm sure Inoue will be fine," she said laying her hand on his thigh. "It was just a fluke, that's all." Her efforts to reassure him seemed to work as he placed his hand atop hers' with a soft sigh.

"Thanks…" Ichigo muttered softly with somewhat vulnerable eyes.

It was then that Renji decided to hop down from the roof, where he'd been so diligently eaves dropping. Rukia nearly jumped off of the porch as she'd had no idea he was up there to begin with, whereas Ichigo was only moderately surprised, having only forgotten upon Rukia's arrival.

Renji was casual despite feeling suddenly very alone, "So the two of you, huh?"

Rukia rapidly jerked her hand away from Ichigo as the boy diverted his eyes shamefully, "I- I mean, we're-"

"It's okay," Renji interjected seeming distant but not entirely fake, "No, I'm happy for you."

"Renji…" Rukia muttered. After seeing how far he'd gone with that hollow girl just to fool himself into being with her. Surely this couldn't be how he felt about her being with another man... his best friend at that.

"Actually, I feel pretty good about it," he continued, "like maybe a weight's been lifted off my shoulders." He even went as far as to offer them a smile to show he was genuine, although neither of the pair seemed securely convinced. The joy didn't seem to reach his eyes.

Rukia stood up, "Renji, can we talk?"

Renji's smile dissipated as his eyes flickered back and forth between the two. "Ah. Let me put these tools up," he said as he brushed past her, unfastening the tool belt he'd been wearing while he was on the roof. Inside, he set the tools down in a utility room and turned to see Rukia in the doorway. She stepped inside, her eyes somberly fixed on him.

"Not in here," he said, "Lets walk. Must be cramped up a bit after sleepin' so long, eh?" he said, appearing lighthearted and relaxed.

It seemed to her that he didn't want to be cooped in with her in case the conversation got heated. She did like the idea of a retreat however, and nodded as she followed him outside.

As they walked down the street side by side, the conversation hung silent as Rukia mulled over how exactly to start it.

"So what'd you wanna talk about?" he finally said.

Rukia sighed as she decided to just get it out, "What do you think?"

Renji expected as much and gave her a guarded, ambiguous response, "Ichigo is a good guy."

She pursed her lips as she looked up at him. It wasn't that she'd wanted to hurt him, actually she felt rather bad about the whole situation, but Ichigo had been there for her when she was hurting. It had been so long since she'd last seen or heard from Renji, and she'd moved on. She'd hoped he'd done the same, but after discovering where he'd been and who he'd been with… Well, frankly, she didn't think he'd moved on at all, and she didn't believe him for a minute when he'd said he was happy for them. "What about you?"

"I'm fine, I told you. I think you'll be safe with him, and that's what matters to me most," It wasn't like they were ever really together anyways… so it wasn't as if he felt betrayed… after what he'd done, he had no right to feel betrayed.

Rukia was confused at his casual demeanor. He seemed sincere, and it made her suspicion dampen the slightest bit, "Even after what just happened in Hueco Mundo?"

It seemed Renji had already thought up an answer for that incident as well, "Ichigo can handle it. You said yourself it was a fluke, right?" He kicked a rock across the road as they continued to meander along the street at a leisurely pace, "Even if it wasn't, that kid…he'll never let it happen again."

He sounded so certain, as if he had all the faith in the world in the boy. "How are you so sure?" she asked, her eyes watching him critically, "Why are you so confident in Ichigo, but not in yourself?"

"Ichigo is Ichigo," he replied keeping his eyes trained ahead. "He's always been the hero, and he always will be." His words weren't bitter or resentful, but she could hear a touch of sorrow when he spoke again. "I've got nothin' on that. I'd pick him too if I were you."

She frowned. It wasn't that she'd chosen Ichigo over Renji. She hadn't lined them up beside each other and written out who had better statistics. It wasn't her intention at all, but Renji had left her alone and in shambles… After everything that had happened she felt immensely close to him, probably more than ever before despite them being apart so much. Even though their relationship had been turbulent and heart-wrenching, and neither of them had been as honest as they should have been, she'd never wanted him to think he was only second best, or that Ichigo was the standard he had to meet.

She sighed as she looked out at the distant horizon, "Renji, remember when we were kids, I was climbing in that tree by the river, and the branch broke and I fell into the water?"

He recalled the event quite vividly, "yeah."

"…And you jumped in to save me even though you didn't know how to swim," she continued.

He sneered a bit as a hand came up to scratch the back of his head, "Does this have a point? You got out on your own and I nearly drown for nothin'."

She stopped walking as she turned to him and grabbed his wrist, "The point is that you're still a hero even if you didn't save me. You risked your life to try," she paused , and her eyes showed a tenderness that was rarely disclosed, "That's who you are though, and that's the way I'll always remember you no matter how things change. You'll always be that boy who would dive headlong into a hopeless mess for me and never have a second thought for yourself. You'll always be my hero, Renji. You always will, so don't forget."

His mouth fell open slightly as his stomach was suddenly full of butterflies. He looked away with a snort and feigned apathy, "If you're tryin' to make me feel better, it's workin'."

She smiled as her hand slid down his wrist to interlock their fingers. "Oh yeah? I though you were fine to start with," she teased, giving their conjoined arms a swing.

He suddenly looked dejected, "I am… except…"

She stopped swinging their arms and looked concerned as she read his face, "except what?"

"Except, I'm really hungry. How about we go grab some lunch?" He smirked down at her as she kicked at his shin causing him to stumble. "What? I am!"

She bit her bottom lip as she had an intriguing thought. "You wanna make some trouble?" she asked seeming positively impish.

He allowed a crooked grin to grace his lips. "Sounds like a plan of action to me."

… … …

Inoue's eyes fluttered open to the dimly lit room. She felt faint but forced herself to stay awake.

Sitting up , she recognized her surroundings immediately. The futon beside her looked as if it had been slept in. It was then that Ichigo's voice cut through the silence.

"Inoue, you're awake!" he said as he went to her side, seeming a little anxious, "Are you okay? How are you feeling?" he asked with obvious concern.

She blushed a little at his worry and gave him a small smile, "I'm a little tired, but I'm okay, Kurosaki-kun."

Ichigo's face was a contortion of emotion as he looked at her. His sorrow and regret was evident to her just from his face, but he voiced his thoughts anyway, "I'm so sorry, Inoue." He looked a mess, really. He'd surely been torturing himself over what had happened.

It's true she had been frightened when she'd seen his face covered by that horrible mask, but somehow she couldn't condemn him for that right now. Not when she could see how much he was hurting. She smiled and placed a warm hand over his cool one, giving it a soft squeeze. "It was an accident. I don't blame you."

She jumped slightly as he leaned forward and put his head against her shoulder, sliding a hand around her back. Her eyes softened and she wrapped her arms around his sides. "Kurosaki-kun…"

… … …

"Holy crap! This is the delicious food of the gods!" Renji said enthusiastically as he took another oversized bite of the hamburger.

Rukia's brow furrowed as she watched him from the corner of her eye. "Stupid, don't put so much in your mouth at once! You'll choke!" she groused as she took the wrapper off of her deviously acquired meal. Since neither she nor Renji had gigais and they'd both felt mischievous, they'd opted to snatch a few hamburgers from a fast food restaurant; not much of a challenge since no one could see them.

"Don't hold back, Rukia. You can take bigger bites around me. I won't tell anyone you're secretly a little piglet," he chuckled with chipmunk-like cheeks.

"Don't make me hurt you, idiot," she said glaring dagger at him.

He smiled, that crooked smirk of his and backed off, finishing his burger with some semblance of manners.

It didn't take long before Rukia stopped and lowered the half-eaten burger to her lap, feeling quite full. She handed the rest to Renji who gobbled it down in about two bites, much to Rukia's dismay.

Something else was on her mind, however, and as Renji licked his fingers uncouthly, Rukia spoke, "What are you going to do now, Renji?"

"Eh?" he replied, a bit surprised at the spontaneous question.

"I want to know what you're going to do. You must have thought about it," she said turning herself toward him without untucking her knees from under her.

Renji's eyes grew more serious, "Yeah…but well, I wasn't gonna say anything just yet."

"Tell me," she insisted.

He smiled as he looked away from her, "You're not gonna like it… but I think… it's what I wanna do." He paused and exhaled. "It would be for the best if I turned myself into Soul Society, I think."

"Renji you can't be serious! Idiot! They'll execute you after everyth-"

"I don't want to die, Rukia." He said sternly, with furrowed eyebrows as he stared in front of him, keeping his eyes trained away from Rukia's concerned visage. "I know the laws and I know what punishments I'll face if I do this."

"If you know then you must have just given up! What happened to the death or victory Renji? You... You're not yourself-"

"I am. I'm thinkin' clear for the first time in a long time," he said before he finally looked at her. "I feel bad about everything, you know. Everything that's happened, I wish I could go back in time and fix everything, but I can't. So this is what I decided. I want to own up to all this. I want to take the responsibility. I hurt so many people… you 'specially, and it just doesn't sit right with me, and I know it never will. This is what I have to do. Just pray for leniency for me, who knows, maybe with everything I learned about Aizen I'll have something to barter with."

Rukia's face was full of apprehension and denial as she searched desperately over his face for a sign of fear or reluctance, but she could find none.

He reached out his hand and put it over her small trembling fist, steadying it. "It'll be okay. It's what I want," he said giving her a meek smile. He stood up then, "C'mon. Lets go find something to do. Today's probably my last day as a free man, after all."

"So soon?" she frowned.

"Tomorrow."

… … …

As the pair ran around town, Renji was as carefree as ever, and he managed to lull Rukia into a forgetful bliss. It was almost like they were children again and nothing bad could happen. She felt all her worries and doubts slip away as she looked over at his face and saw that mischievous boy she'd grown up with smiling back at her. Before she'd even realized it, the sun had set and the sky was morphing from a warm orange to a deep star-spotted purple.

With dangling feet, they sat on the rail of an overpass looking down on the train tracks below.

"Oh! Here comes another one. First car, okay?" he said excitedly before he proceeded to collect a suitable ball of spit as the train approached.

Rukia giggled and did the same. With expert timing they both let their ammo fly true down toward the quickly moving passenger train. It roared as it passed beneath them after receiving their little gifts.

"Ha! You hit the second car again." Renji teased.

"No, that was yours!" she objected.

They argued playfully as another train approached from the opposite direction. After a few more target practice sessions, Rukia noticed that it was now totally dark, and a shadow was cast over her as she remembered this was the last day.

"I don't want you to go," she said abruptly.

The joy left his eyes as they remained focused out at the train tracks. "It's getting late," he said, shamelessly changing the subject. "Should probably start headin' back." He slid from the rail and dug his hands into his pockets.

Rukia quietly did the same, following behind him as they walked down the dimly lit walkway. Her mind was swimming with worry and disbelief as she watched his broad shoulders swaying as he walked. He was right here in front of her, and yet he felt so far away, and she couldn't reach out to save him, no matter how badly she wanted to. If only she could take him away where soul society would never torment him again, she would. The fear pooling inside her was so real. It was the kind of fear she hated the most; A consuming dread of losing someone important to you. It was a feeling she should be used to by now, but no matter how many times she felt it, it still flooded her with a horrible anxiety. She could do nothing but think of ways to try and stop him or change his mind.

Renji seemed to sense her trepidation. He sighed and stopped walking enough for her to catch up to his side. He put his hand around her shoulder before they continued walking. "Sorry," he muttered softly, "I wish there was somethin' I could do to make ya feel better about all this, but if there is I dunno what it is."

"It's okay. I have to respect your decision. This is what you want. I won't… I won't stop you." It seemed like she succeeded in saying the opposite of everything she was really feeling inside. _'Don't go, Renji. I need you. I can't bare the thought of you being executed, please! You can't do this to me!' _Her insides screamed even as she forced a brief smile.

Renji let a small crooked smirk crease his lips, "Thanks. Actually, it really means a lot to me." He gave her shoulder a soft squeeze as he let out a somewhat shaky breath. The air was getting thick here. He had to lighten the mood, somehow. "Oy look!" he shouted as he suddenly ran ahead.

She looked at what he could possibly be getting enthusiastic about at a time like this. She was slightly surprised to see a park playground. "What?" she questioned.

"Rukia come on!" he said as he trotted up to the lonely, whimpering swing set and sat down on one of them. "Push me," he said, looking rather like a spindly-legged grasshopper sitting on the low hanging swing.

Rukia gave him a look that read somewhere between _'Are you serious,' _and _'I'm gonna punch you.' _

He grunted slightly as he stood up, "Okay fine," he muttered, looking genuinely disappointed, "Then you get on and I'll push."

Rukia sighed but did as he suggested despite herself. No sooner had she sat down, he had her pulled up six feet off the ground in preparation for launch. She clung to the chains with wide eyes. "Too high," she shouted as he let go and she flew through the air like a bullet. As she reached the pinnacle of the arc she felt the rubber strap slide out from her bottom and saw the ground fast approaching. Landing non-too-gracefully in the sand box she turned to him as she heard his insufferable laughter as saw him holding his stomach, doubled over at her humiliation.

"You jerk! How dare you!" she yelled and she tackled him with all her tiny might, managing to unbalance him enough to get him into the sand. She grabbed a hand full of sand and proceeded to dump in onto his head, making sure to rub it into those blood-red locks.

"No no no!" Rukia!" he objected, still laughing.

His hand, a much bigger hand than hers', found it's own arsenal abundant around him. He mimicked her actions, dumping a giant handful into her hair, although it mostly just spilled down onto him since she was on top of him.

She growled and went for another handful, "You baka! I'll never forgive you!"

Chaos ensued for the next few moments as sand flew copiously in sprays. Finally a truce was called when Renji urgently surrendered. "Ah, ok, ok you win… it was a dirty trick. Damn it, it's all in my eye." He desperately pawed at his eye, which was watering profusely.

She dropped the handful of sand as she sat triumphantly across his stomach. "Serves you right," she grunted as she pulled his hand away, "Let me see."

He complied as tears trickled down the side of his face. She leaned in and blew softly into his eye to blow away any remnants. He blinked a few more times to clear his sight before he actually noticed their compromising position. She was staring at him, still very close to his face. Her thighs were squeezing his sides ever so nicely, and he was suddenly finding it hard to swallow. He felt her fingers slide delicately across his face to wipe the dampness away as she slowly leaned in closer. Her hot breath puffed against his parted lips, and he suddenly found himself trembling. As her eyes slid closed he felt his insides screaming.

"Don't," he heard himself say.

Her eyes shot open as she felt his hands clasping her forearms and pushing her away. Her eyes wholly expressed her hurt and shock. She sat back and immediately got off of him, curling in on herself as if she was mortified with shame.

"I'm sorry, I can't…" he paused, "I don't want to hurt you again, Rukia." '_It will be easier this way,'_ he kept telling himself. He had to think of her, and what she would be left with after he was gone. She had Ichigo now, it would be easier for her to move on if nothing was rekindled from before. He didn't want her to forget him, but he wanted her to be happy without him. He was sure she would be with Ichigo.

"Come on," he muttered as he stood and offered his hand. She quietly took it and he pulled her to her feet. They walked home in silence.


	21. Too Little, Too Late

**Chapter 21**

It was still dark and Rukia hadn't slept a wink all night. She eased the closet door open and saw Ichigo snoring softly. The clock beside his bead read 3:36 am. She slid her legs out from the sheets to dangle over the side of her makeshift bed. Her head was swimming. "Ichigo, wake up."

His response was a groggy grunt followed by him rolling over.

"Ichigo!" she yelled and threw her pillow.

He jumped and sat up, talking through a yawn, "Wha? What is it? Hollows?"

"Can I talk to you?" she said seemingly a little shy as she diverted her eyes.

Ichigo rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he spoke, "What's wrong?"

Rukia slid from the closet and slunk over to sit beside him in his bed. "You know, I was with Renji all day," she began.

"Yeah. You were kinda quiet when you got back so I figured I wouldn't press it. You two get in another fight?"

"No," she replied, keeping her eyes downward, "I actually… really had a good time…" She twiddled her toes together as she mulled over her next words, "He's going to Soul Society tomorrow. He wants to turn himself in."

Ichigo's mouth fell open, "But he'll be thrown in prison again, or worse!"

"He wants to take responsibility. There was nothing I could do to change his mind… " Her jaw shivered slightly before she spoke, "After that…I… I tried to kiss him."

The boy stiffened at this, but didn't react otherwise.

"I… I'm sorry I just… the thought of him being put to death…" she trembled, "I…. I love him, Ichigo. He's… I love him…" she spoke as if the words were strange on her lips; as if she were really hearing them for the first time.

Ichigo's eyes softened as he watched her. Placing his hand over her trembling fingers, he wasn't surprised when a droplet of water fell on his knuckle. "I like you Rukia…" he said, "I mean… I like you a lot, but I don't think you will ever find someone like him, who feels as deeply and genuinely about you as he does." He paused as she looked up at him with wide pleading eyes, as if she were begging him to tell her what to do. "You two… I don't know if you can ever really be together after everything, but I think you should hold on as tightly as you can for as long as you can… even if it's only until tomorrow… Hold onto him, Rukia."

She whimpered slightly as she felt him squeeze her hand. The floodgates in her heart were swinging open wide, but she was trying her hardest to stop the torrent.

"Do what feels right."

… … …

As Rukia ran through the streets, the full moon became visible through the clouds, illuminating the night briefly before again growing obscured. She leapt up onto Urahara's porch and ran until she got to Renji's door, throwing it open in haste, "Renji!" Her eyes grew wide when she saw the room was barren and the futon had been neatly folded. Her breaths became faster and more frantic.

"Kuchiki-san?"

"Urahara-san! Where is he?" Rukia asked pleadingly as she saw the shopkeeper, obviously dressed in his night clothes.

"Abarai-san left a short while ago for Soul Society," he said, seemingly a little surprised to see her there. "He told you, didn't he?" he added.

"He was supposed to leave tomorrow! It's still the middle of the night!" she argued as if it would make a difference.

"I'm sorry, Kuchiki-san. He woke me and told me he couldn't sleep and he was heading out," the shopkeeper replied seeming a little ashamed, somehow.

Her fists balled up as she stood up a little straighter, "I'm going after him."

… … …

As Renji neared the end of the precipice world, he subconsciously slowed his pace. He thought about a lot of things; his friends, the emergence of his hollow, battles he'd fought, fallen comrades, even Zabimaru, but mostly his thoughts lingered on Rukia. They drifted back to the feeling of her warm breath softly brushing across his lips as they lay in the sand together; her supple thighs on his hips, the subtle scent of her perfume.

He really was hopeless… Even after he'd been so convincing earlier, here he was right where he started, wanting to run back to her and tell her it was all a lie. He'd convinced himself that he could step aside for her, after all he'd done it before. He'd really felt like he could do it. His resolve was solid and his mind was clear, clearer than it had been in a long time … yet she'd shattered his resolution so easily with just a hint of affection.

He'd be lying if he said he had left simply because he couldn't sleep tonight. Truth was he was afraid if he saw her again tomorrow, he wouldn't be able to go through with it. All she had to do was offer herself to him, just like last night… He felt defenseless against her.

His pupils shrank slightly as morning light spilled in as the gate ahead of him opened up. This was it. He swallowed as his steps drug even more. Once he stepped through those doors he'd be in Soul Society. He shook his head and shoved down the anxiety pooling in his gut. He stepped out into the light. The sun wasn't yet above the horizon, but the sky was already brightening. He heard some shouts when the guards noticed him. He took Zabimaru from his belt and laid the beloved sword down at his feet. As the sound of scurrying feet darted around him, he placed his hands behind his head and quietly watched the sunrise.

The soldiers that surrounded him had their swords drawn, but after the infamous reputation he'd made none of them seemed overly inclined to step up and grab him. They barked out threats to him, but remained passively at a distance. Renji didn't hear them. He was watching the glorious display of colors on the horizon. It's weird how you suddenly appreciate things that you know you're about to lose.

It wasn't until he felt a pair of hands grab his wrists and pull them behind him that his focus was finally broken. He turned his eyes down to see the squad two captain placing cuffs on him, none too gently.

"Abarai. Good of you to show your face. I hope you aren't expecting leniency for this," she sneered as she kicked his zanpakutou away from him, sending it rolling several meters.

"Not expecting… just hoping," he muttered distantly as he stared at his grieving Zabimaru.

When his eyes rose to the fore he found a seated officer with a spiritual suppression collar open against his neck. It closed snuggly with a 'click' and Renji could feel its effects working almost immediately. More shinigami arrived as he was being restrained. He saw many faces he knew. Friends.

Hisagi arrived, but appeared stone-faced. Renji couldn't read him at all. He saw Ukitake-Taichou trot up, seemingly out of breath. The kind captain looked concerned and anxious. He saw Hitsugaya-Taichou appear nearby. The young captain looked serious, but somewhere in his features Renji sensed a touch of sympathy. Momo arrived right after that. Her hair was down from its usual bun and her clothes slightly disheveled. Her eyes were still a bit puffy from sleep. It gave him a small degree of joy seeing the concern in her face. Then as Soifon-Taichou gave him a shove to get him walking, the crowd parted and he looked up to see his own ex-captain standing with their former 3rd seat at his side. He was wearing Renji's old lieutenant badge on his arm. Renji tore his eyes away from that sight as his chest constricted. He supposed he shouldn't be surprised by that after how long he'd been gone… still, it grieved him somehow.

It was then that a familiar voice rang out through the crowd; a voice that made Renji stiffen.

"Wait please!" Rukia's breathy voice cried. "Wait a moment!" she skidded to a halt a short distance behind him with a harshly heaving chest. "Please, let me talk to him for a moment," she pleaded.

"Rukia…" he whispered as he tried to look over his shoulder to see her.

The second squad captain looked displeased as she held fast to Renji's bound wrists. She opened her mouth to speak, but Ukitake stepped in before she did. "It's not really appropriate right now, Kuchiki," he said.

"Please, I… just one short moment." She looked to be practically in shambles.

The desperation in her eyes was obvious to the benevolent captain and he frowned sympathetically. "I suppose it can't hurt for a moment."

"Ukitake!" Soifon glared at him seemingly offended.

"It won't hurt anyone to let her have a last word. Have mercy," he spoke almost scoldingly toward the young captain.

Soifon scoffed and reluctantly turned her captor around to face the petite woman. "If you ask me, she should be arrested as well," she grumbled.

Renji's eyes were fixed on her, but he didn't speak until she was standing before him, looking exhausted and positively defeated. "Why'd you come?" he whispered, "I didn't want you to see this."

"You left without even saying goodbye… You stupid jerk," she cursed him as her lips quivered softly.

"Sorry," he muttered. He wasn't sure whether to feel overjoyed to see her one last time, or angry that she'd just made herself an accomplice.

She sniffled audibly as her eyes welled with tears. "I had something to tell you," her whole body was shivering as she stared up into his unreadable eyes. She reached up and put her arms around his neck, burying her face against his collared neck. "I wanted you to know," the words came out slightly smothered against his shirt. "I love you, Renji," she choked out, "I love you."

Renji's face contorted as he heard those words leave her lips; words he'd longed to hear her say since before he'd even become a man. He felt her petite, slightly cold hands on his cheeks as she pressed her trembling lips against his'. His heart felt like it was beating so hard it might crack his ribs. He kissed her back, wishing to the gods he could put his arms around her, just once more. He could feel the dampness of her tears on his face as she whimpered against his mouth. She loved him. She loved him and she'd told him to his face in front of everyone.

It was the best and worst day of his life.

As their lips parted she still held him, hopelessly clinging to him for as long as would be allowed. Renji too found himself trying to hold on, despite his bound hands. He could only nuzzle her raven hair and bite back the anguish that was constricting his throat so painfully.

It was all too soon that the second squad captain let out a groan and gave Renji's arm a swift jerk, "Uug, you've all said your goodbyes now. I'm not standing here all morning for this."

As Renji was pulled back, Rukia felt her captain's gentle hand on her shoulder, attempting to comfort her but, falling short of any real influence. She couldn't stop the tears as she saw his lips whisper to her an inaudible 'love you too,' as he was turned around and lead away. As he retreated, she could see his shoulders shaking as he was unable to keep himself together anymore.

After the spectacle ended the shinigami gradually dissipated and the courtyard grew empty. Even Byakuya turned his back and shuffled away, all be it slowly and somewhat reluctantly. Rukia sank to her knees with no one except her captain remaining.

"Come, my dear. I've very sorry, but you'll be wanted for questioning."

… … …

As Rukia drug her feet listlessly toward home, her mind was buzzing with feelings of futility and emptiness. She'd been questioned for hours, and although she didn't expect to get off with just a slap on the wrist, Ukitake had assured her she wouldn't be facing anything drastic. She'd been instructed to stay at home and await punishment, and had been suspended from duty until then.

The questions they'd asked were very personal and she'd been immensely uncomfortable talking to them about the matters they'd inquired about. She'd stuck up for Renji as much as she could. She'd tried to convince them of his good intentions and misfortune, blaming Aizen for Renji's affliction. She tried hard to make them see him as a victim, and one of the interrogators had been a former colleague of Renji's, and seemed indulgent toward her. In the end, however, she supposed it was more what was going down on the other end of the interrogation that mattered… Renji's end.

Her hopes weren't high. She merely hoped he wouldn't be executed… that was the best she could hope for at this point… although maybe she was being selfish with that sentiment, as the alternative was the Maggot's Nest… life imprisonment.

She dragged herself up the porch and made her way to her room where she gently closed the door behind her. As she held the door handle and stared vacantly, her forehead knocked against the closed door and she squeezed her eyes closed. None of this felt real, yet in another way it all felt too real. She slid down the wall and into a crumpled mess on the floor.

"Renji."

… … …

Renji sat up from the slightly stale smelling mat as the guard brought him his meal and gave him a order to eat fast. He figured they were going to interrogate him more. They'd been at it since he'd arrived, and although he'd been mostly cooperative, they still had him under maximum security and didn't feed him enough for all the talking they were making him do. The shackles were becoming less disruptive after four days, and he ate the tasteless gruel in silence. The suppression collar bothered him the most. It was uncomfortable on its own, as there were prongs on the inside, but on top of that it caused a burning sensation that throbbed like nothing else. His hollow was quiet with the collar on, although he didn't know whether that was from the collar, or simply because it was becoming more submissive.

As he finished the meal, he gave a slight frown that there was no more, not that it had tasted that good, but he was still hungry. The portions were a lot less than what he usually ate so the past four days he'd been somewhat ravenous.

The guard appeared moments later and ushered him out of the cell and into the hands of two other shinigami. He obediently walked between them, his shackles clanging with every step he took. After a long, strenuous walk he was led into a dark room where the light beamed down unnervingly on him. He was sat down in a creaky wooden chair and his shackles were secured to floor hinges so that he couldn't move around. This wasn't like the last interrogation sessions. He couldn't see anything but darkness outside of his circle of light, but he could hear them clearly as their daunting voices boomed through the chamber.

"Abarai Renji, your interrogators have informed us that you can give us information on Aizen Souske," the disembodied voice said calmly.

Renji strained his eyes against the darkness as he answered, "Yes, that's right."

"Tell us then. Tell us everything you know."

Renji's expression became cautious, "Well as much as I'd like to help, I was kinda hopin' that little tidbit would be able to buy me somethin' nice." He was treading on thin ice, he knew, but it wasn't like he had anything to lose.

"You want leniency in exchange for information?" the voice sounded female this time.

"…That's right," he said plainly.

"We have been informed of your plight. You are too much of a danger to be allowed leniency," a different voice this time.

Renji's eyes widened a bit and he protested, "But I'm not the same as I was before!"

"You killed your own comrades, and brutally attacked your squad captain and raped a female officer. Do you deny this?"

Renji's eyes narrowed and slid to the floor in front of him, "No."

"Then there will be no negotiations. Now tell us what you know of Aizen Souske."

There was a long pause before he spoke. "…I hate him, and I hope you guys catch the fucker…" He straightened his posture. "That's all I'll say."

"Playing hard ball with us won't get you anywhere, Abarai. Tell us what you know or face a much harsher interrogation," the voice warned dryly.

Renji slowly allowed himself to smirk, "Ya think threatenin' me will get you your answers? There's nothing that could make me talk if I don't wanna."

"We have our wa-"

"Do you know what it's like to have a fuckin' hollow in your head? Do you know what it's like to lose control of your body and wake up covered in blood and choking' the life out of your comrade? Do you? Do any of you?"

"Calm yoursel-" a voice began but Renji didn't let it finish.

"No! You don't know! …What it's like to be injected with drugs that make you forget who you are! To be strapped to a fuckin' wall while mad scientists try to erase everythin' that makes you you! If you think you can torture the information out of me… you've got another thing comin'… Pain is nothing." He paused but no voices replied to his outburst. "I'm not sayin' you should just turn me loose and pretend nothin' ever happened. I turned myself in because I wanna take responsibility. I wanna see Aizen's plans fold and I wanna see his head on a stick paraded down main street. I'm just askin' for a little compassion… maybe that's a lot to ask for, and honestly it ain't somethin' I'm used to gettin'… but I was a shinigami before all this… and I was proud of that… I'd wear those colors again in a heartbeat."

"Are you asking us to reinstate you to the Gotei thirteen?"

Renji huffed, "How stupidly wonderful that would be… I don't expect anythin' like that… but there is a war coming, and I know all about Aizen's army." He looked up toward where he assumed people were sitting and watching him. "I'm not opposed to being used. Everything they did to me, they were trying to make a weapon… and now it seems that weapon has fallen back into your hands."

"You want us to put you on the battlefield," a feminine voice said sounding thoughtful. "But what proof do we have that you wouldn't turn on us? The fourth squad tells us you are like a time bomb that can go off at any time."

Renji recalled momentarily the incident where vice-captain Isane tried to stop him from losing control and took a dive through the prison bars as a result. "It was hard to control at first. I was afraid to be near anyone who was important to me… but I've learned now. Kurosaki Ichigo helped me train… the time I spent with the hollows that serve under Aizen also helped me out a bit… I'm not the same man I was when this all started. If you're afraid I'll lose control, then why not test me?"

… … …

Renji stood in the center of the coliseum with his trusted Zabimaru resting comfortably in his palm. His breaths were slow and deep. He had felt anxious and slightly apprehensive before he'd stepped into the arena, but as his zanpakutou was placed in his hands, he felt a calm befall him. And strangely, even though he knew he was about to face an onslaught like nothing else, he felt tranquil, as if everything around him was moving in slow motion. He felt like his senses were turned up way beyond what they'd ever been before… was the hollow in him asleep, or was he simply in tune with it. He didn't know, but as the three captains stepped into the arena he could feel their reiatsus. They were enormous and heavy through the air and he exhaled slowly as they advanced toward him. The hallow mask materialized as he raised his sword. He would not lose. He felt confident as he planted his feet and called Zabimaru's name. He would not lose.

**A/N: Heya guys, thanks for reading, sorry for the slow updates, but I'm also working on a doujinshi + my own original comic so I've been a bit pre-occupied. It's encouraging to hear your thoughts, so please let me know what you guys think!**


	22. Believe

**Chapter 22**

His breath was steady as he felt the warm liquid trickle from his fingertips. He could barely feel the shallow wound, but it was still bleeding generously. His fist was clenched tightly around Zabimaru's hilt and his eyes were focused intently on his opponents. He was ready to go another round but a voice had rang out calling a cease. It took a moment before it sunk in that the battle was over and he finally lowered his sword and released his mask to the wind. He looked up to the bleachers where people had been watching his performance. None of them were familiar to him, and he couldn't really read their expressions from this distance, but he didn't particularly feel bad about how it had gone… Actually he felt rather satisfied.

Some part of him wished Byakuya had been among the captains, but he suspected that man was too close to this situation to be chosen join him in the arena. Instead he'd faced Hitsugaya, Soifon, and Kyoraku. Of the lot he'd managed to seriously wound two of them, and in turn had only gotten a small knick to the bicep. Kyoraku had been the hardest to read, but he'd, at the very least, been able to fend the older captain off.

As he stood in the soft breeze looking up at the people who were muttering among themselves he felt emotion swelling in his throat. Were they going to execute him…? He felt the uncertainty pooling in his guts, and it was nauseating.

It was then he felt a soft pat on his shoulder and startled to see the eighth squad captain standing beside him, "You did well, Abarai-san. You fight just like Kurosaki Ichigo with that mask. You seemed quite composed too."

Renji was a little surprised to hear such words from the older captain. "Uh… Th-thank you, Kyoraku-Taichou," he said as he bowed respectfully to the man.

Kyoraku smirked as he looked down at the former lieutenant. "It's really not hard to see where your heart lies. Keep fighting, Abarai-san, until you're wearing that uniform again."

Renji couldn't help the tug that curved his lips. Kyoraku was a bit more positive than he, but he appreciated the man's optimism.

"Your sword," Soifon commanded with her hand held out in demand. She was bleeding from where he'd cut her earlier. It was a rather gnarly wound, as Zabimaru tended to chew rather than slice, but she didn't lose any composure for it. He set the sword in its sheath and placed it respectfully into her awaiting hand with a small bow. She glared at him in seeming disgust as she jerked the weapon and walked past.

He sighed as he watched the three captains retreating, with Kyoraku assisting Hitsugaya, as his leg had been damaged. He was jerked back to attention, however when he heard a voice speak out, loud and distinct against the wind, "Abarai Renji, the council has agreed to place you in the disciplinary barracks until a decision is reached."

Renji was at a loss for words, "T-The disciplinary barracks? Not… not a cell?" He could not believe what he was hearing. He'd never been so happy in his whole military career to be sent to the disciplinary barracks before. "Y-yes sir" he said bowing deeply.

… … …

After he received a bandage for his minor wound the escorts left him alone in the tiny barrack. Renji sighed as he looked around. The place wasn't exactly a five star hotel, but it was definitely better than the cell he'd been shackled up in. Guards were posted at the entrance to the compound, and he wasn't permitted to leave, but at the moment he was content with that. He would have liked a bit more to eat, but his meals were still rationed. He didn't really feel energetic enough to work out, so he decided he'd just call it and go to sleep. It was still mid afternoon, but as he unfurled the mattress he felt a sudden tiredness set in and sleep swiftly claimed him.

… … …

He wasn't sure how long he'd slept when he heard a rapping at the door, but it pulled him quickly to consciousness and he hurriedly got up to answer it. When he opened the door a familiar face looked up at him and he felt his lips slip open slightly. "Hey," he muttered softly, "I didn't know I was allowed visitors."

Rukia smiled softly up at him. "I'm not supposed to be here… but… well, here I am." She lowered her eyes almost timidly.

Renji stepped to the side and allowed her to come inside. "Come in," he ushered. The light was starting to fade outside, and he worried for her getting caught here, especially after dark. "Ya know, you really should try to follow orders 'til all this blows over," he spoke as he closed the door.

He seemed so calm and so… normal. After she'd been so frantic all week waiting for any news of his trial, it was slightly upsetting to see him so nonchalant about everything. She pursed her lips as he turned to face her, glaring at him with a look that made him avert his eyes. "Here," she said as she held out a paper bag to him.

Renji took the offered bag quietly and peered inside. "Taiyaki," he said before a half smirk tugged his lips. "Ya know me too well, Rukia."

"I've no doubt they don't feed you enough in here. You eat like a horse after all," she said with a degree of disapproval.

Renji let himself smile properly and offered a laugh, "Well I have to make up for all the time I was hungry in the 78th." He started to reach into the bag, but stopped when he felt petite arms around his waist. His surprise faded quickly though as he placed his free hand over her back.

Rukia's face was buried in his clothes, as her small fingers clung to him with desperately. "I'd didn't know…" she began quietly, "if I'd ever get to see you again…"

Renji set the bag down and put his other arm around her. "I know…" his voice was low and quiet.

"How did you do it?" she whispered against his chest, "How did you make me fall for you, Renji?"

Renji couldn't stop the sincere smile that tugged his lips. "It wasn't easy," he muttered back to her. "Maybe you have a thing for messed up guys like me."

"No… that's not it…" she said, pulling her head back a bit so that she could look up at his face.

"No?" he questioned, still holding his arms around her shoulders as he looked down at her with contentment and adoration on his face, "Then it must be my ruggedly good looks that finally got you."

Rukia smiled and shook her head, "Don't flatter yourself." She ran her hands up his torso and around the back of his neck, "You're nothing special."

Renji leaned into her and pulled her flush against him still keeping his eyes focused on hers'. "Of course not. Why would anyone aid and abed a known criminal and risk their career and freedom, just for some nobody. It's not like they'd sneak into his barrack and try to seduce him. He'd have to be some kinda hot for all that," he teased.

Rukia couldn't help the chuckle as their foreheads met, "Hm… I guess he would have to be all that… and maybe something more too."

"Tell me," Renji said sounding less joking now as his fingers tangled through her hair, "Tell me again. I wanna hear it."

She tugged playfully on his ponytail as her eyes drifted closed, "So needy."

His eyes closed as he planted a kiss on the corner of her mouth, "Humor me," he uttered as he placed another kiss against her jaw.

She nuzzled the side of his neck, breathing in the scent of his aftershave. "I love you, Renji Abarai." Her quiet voice was a whisper against his skin.

With that, his mouth latched onto her neck and he pulled her up against him as her legs wrapped around his waist. She was backed up against the wall as Renji's ravaged the delicate skin on her neck, lapping and biting her in his fervor.

Rukia moaned aloud, her hands fisting into the back of his kimono and hair. Emotion swelled in her. This is what she wanted. It felt right to have him here, flush against her, his kisses searing her with every touch. She'd tried to push him out. She'd tried to forget, but as he parted her clothes and hot breaths danced over her shoulder and collar bone, she felt like a missing part of her had come home. She loved him, and despite her best efforts to sever that love, or demote it, it had swollen and engulfed her… and somehow that was okay. She was giving in, and letting down her defenses and it was both liberating and frightening. She thought if things changed between them, if she finally accepted him the way she knew he wanted her to, maybe somehow, in some way, she could save him… even if he received a grim sentence.

"I love you," she whispered breathily as she clung to him with abandoned resolve.

Renji moaned as his lips slid down the valley of her breast and he returned her whispered sentiment through heated, breathy kisses. "Love you… Rukia…" He was so high at that moment, if the sky tore open and struck him dead, he was sure he'd die smiling. "…so much."

Her legs slipped open as he sank lower against her body and she felt her breast bind slide down until they were bunched under her pert mounds. Her breaths came in small puffs as she listened to the masculine sound of his voice as his mouth enveloped one of her nipples.

His bliss was endless as she encouraged him with soft moans and caresses, squirming as she began to grow more excited. He could hardly contain his exhilaration as her small fingers tangled in his hair, pulling and scraping against his scalp. It felt real this time. Not like the hollow imitator; not like the times before where she was still keeping him at a metaphorical arm's length. It was more than the words; more than the touches and kisses. Everything about the way she was holding him and letting herself be held, letting herself feel and letting him feel. She was an open door for him to walk through and even though he still felt doubts and fears, he would come. He found he was wanting to risk everything on the chance that their's would be the 'happily ever after' he'd always dreamt it could be.

"Renji," she whispered as her heels dug into the small of his back and her fingers pried at the collar of his kimono, "I want you."

The verbal queue was more than enough to edge him onward. He came up from her breast and kissed her open mouth, taking from her hungrily while sating her starvation. His tongue was voracious as he lapped at her and flattened her up against the unforgiving wall. He could tell how desperate she was by the way she rhythmically rubbed herself against him. His neglected member was throbbing with every minute movement of their bodies as he unwittingly ground himself between her legs in return. A pause from his sloppy kisses allowed him to shrug out of his sleeves, which were barely clinging to his shoulders after all her clinging. Eagerly resuming the exploration of her mouth and lips, his hands went to work on another task. He managed to pry enough of her hakama away to get to her dripping core and he was not disappointed when he ran a digit through her honey-soaked folds. She was dripping wet already despite how quickly this was moving along. The thought of her perhaps planning this before she'd arrived and becoming moist with anticipation made his erection twitch. Gods, the things she did to him…

Their tongues were in a wet, needy battle when he finally managed to free himself from the restriction of his fundoshi. Not wasting any time, and as she seemed so eagerly responsive, he decided to skip the foreplay. One of his hands wrapped around his pulsing member, guiding it to slid up between her salivating petals. She moaned into his mouth as he parted her folds and rubbed the tip of his engorged member against her swollen bud, reveling in the way her juices coated him so generously.

"Yes, Renji," she moaned against his mouth as her hands unfastened themselves from his hair and lowered to circle around the back of his neck before she tucked her face against his throat.

Renji exhaled a shuddering breath as he peeked down between the gap of her arm to see as he began to enter her. He felt her stiffen as he began to stretch her, but he knew he could fit so he continued to slowly sink into her, watching as he disappeared inside her inch by agonizing inch. She gave a throaty groan as her thighs clamped down on his hips, seemingly in an attempt to slow his intrusion.

Renji could hardly breath and trembled subtly from his excitement and self restraint, but he paused when he noticed Rukia's escalating tension. His eyes found her scrunched face and he grew worried. "Am I hurtin' you?" he asked breathily, his concentration broken.

She cracked one eye open, "Mmm... Maybe… a different position. It's been a long time since… last time."

"Yeah but… weren't you n' Ichigo…" he said before removing himself from her and setting her down to the floor.

"Lets not talk about Ichigo," she replied looking a little distressed over the boy's mentioned name.

His mouth twisted as he frowned. "Right, sorry." He looked back over his shoulder, "You wanna get on the futon?" he asked, pointing with his thumb in the direction of the disheveled bed.

She stepped the rest of the way out of her hakama and pulled off her tabi before walking over to the futon and standing beside it, appearing to study it before she decided to crawl in or not.

Renji swallowed hard as his eyes followed her bare legs. Her top was still intact and hung far enough to cover his more favored areas. He followed until he stood behind her letting his hands ghost across both sides of her neck as he leaned down and kissed in his finger's wake. "Gods…" he began, breaking his speech with slick kisses over the side of her neck and jaw, "I missed you." His hands slid down and into the front of her open kimono where they proceeded to knead her small breasts. He bit down on her earlobe as he felt her hands come up and grasp at his neck and hair.

Rukia let him support her as he eased them both to their knees, never relenting his worship of her tender neck as they fell. He slipped one hand down her stomach as she let out a soft whimper, knowing where his southbound hand was going. She involuntarily spread her thighs further when she felt his cool fingers slip in-between her nether lips and begin to dance over her swollen bud skillfully. She moaned his name as she arced into the pleasing sensation.

Renji returned her moan with one of his own, lapping at her saliva-dampened neck as he allowed his erection to rub boldly against the cleft of her rear. He bit down somewhat roughly against her nape as he continued to play her like a well-tuned instrument, letting his other hand reach around to her opening. His knowing fingers pushed inside, stretching her more with each inserted digit as his one hand distracted her swollen bud with strumming pleasures. She moaned loud at the forceful intrusion that spread her tight walls, but the heightened bliss his dexterous fingers was providing allowed the pain to fall to the back of her mind. She bucked her hips as she drew closer to climax. "Renji!" she cried as her thrusts into his digits became more erratic and desperate. Renji watched her intensely, pumping his fingers into her hard and fast as she finally threw her head back and cried out an intense orgasm. For the red-head it was like watching a goddess in the throws of passion. He couldn't stop his want as he drew his drenched fingers away from her quivering sex and zealously licked them clean.

Rukia leaned back listlessly against his chest and looked up to see him licking her juice from his fingers. She bit her lip and blushed a bit at that. She felt butterflies as she watched him and wondered if this is what love did to you. It was a nice feeling, she decided.

He removed his tongue from his digits and licked the glistening from his lips before his crimson gaze turned down to her as she lay recovering against him. "How was that?" he asked letting a half-smirk grace his lips. When she didn't reply his smirk faded and he sighed, "Rukia, if you're having second thoughts we don't ha-"

His words were cut short, however, when she assertively shoved him down on his back and clambered over him. His face grew a deep shade of red to match his hair as she hovered over him, her small fingers splayed delightfully across his solid chest. He could feel her rub herself across his stiff member, and swallowed a bit as her viscous juice oozed slowly down his shaft. He drew a shaky breath as she leaned over and teasingly bite down over his collar bone as she continued to smear herself against him. She was torturing him in the most wonderful way. "G-Gods, Rukia. You tryin' to kill me?"

She gave a soft laugh against his heated skin. "No," she muttered sweetly as she nibbled against his chest. "I was just wondering how long you could hold out." She sat up and stared down at him with a conceited smirk on her lips.

"Such a tease," he smirked back at her. "Suppose that's what I get for bein' so generous and letting you come."

"Oh shut up. You like it," she scoffed. "Such a perv."

"Me? Who came to whom?! You're the horny one here," he bantered.

Rukia got a mischievous expression as she glared down at the defenseless man under her, "I just thought you could use a little stress relief, okay? I can let you clean this up yourself if you want me to leave," she said as she enunciated her point by rubbing herself down his straining member again.

He grimaced, "Like hell I'm lettin' you leave me like this." His hands grabbed hold of her thighs and drug her down against him. He started to enter her again, assuming some control, but letting her ease herself down at her own pace. His tongue darted out and ran along his lower lip as he watched her slip down his aching shaft, much easier now that she'd come earlier.

She moaned and sank lower, finally coming down to the base of his formidable erection. The feeling of being completely impaled on his sizable member was not entirely pleasant. She felt stretched and very full, but the look on his face, made it worth while. She couldn't help the tug at her lips as she watched him watching their union so absorbedly. His brow was slightly furrowed and he was panting lightly. He looked vulnerable and open. She liked watching him almost as much as she liked being the one in control of his pleasure. As she pulled back up he moaned aloud, letting his head fall back against the blanket. As she repeated the action her feeling of discomfort eased, but she continued at an agonizing pace, watching his face with every action she made.

"You…" he spat haggardly, "Still teasing…" He was trembling ever so slightly as she drug herself up and down his erection so slow it was maddening. "Just fuck me, Rukia. I can't take anymore."

She bit her lower lip as she heard the despondency in his voice. That coupled with the escalating sensation of his member pulsing inside her soft walls coaxed her into obliging his pleas. She changed her position to sit more forward on his hips and gave a soft moan as he met her increasing thrusts with his own desperate bucks. Their voices chimed in unison at the heightened friction. The barren room was soon filled with the heavy breathing of their lovemaking, punctuated ever so often with throaty moans and wet skin.

Renji's oversized hands were locked like vices on her hips as she rode him hard against the bedding. He was far away from his mind as his body was lost in the thrill of her. She worked over his throbbing erection like a well-oiled piston as he panted under her. His stomach went taunt with every plunge into her encompassing heat and she groaned loudly, dragging her dull fingernails across his slick skin. She was completely absorbed in her ecstasy. Everything felt so right. She wanted to stay right there and feel him inside of her for as long as possible. But her body was already breaking down that fantasy. Her muscles were strained and trembling from all the vigorous movement, and her core felt like it might catch on fire from all the friction.

"Renji. Renji. Ah. Renji!" she chanted his name with every motion as his fingers gripped her hard enough to leave bruises.

His breath was erratic and dry as he drove up into her with punishing force. She paused as her knees slipped out a bit from her sides at his strenuous enthusiasm. "Fuck. Don't stop. Oh, fuck, don't stop, girl!" He was on the verge of collapse and she knew it. It took less than a second before she found herself on her back with her legs in the air as he ardently hammered into her abused hole. She yelped as the new position left her defenseless and completely at his mercy, of which there was none to speak of.

"Ah! No more! I can't- Renji!" she cried hoarsely as ever fiber of her body went taunt around the overpowering rapture of her orgasm.

When her walls clamped down around him, he cried out, low and throaty against her skin and shot his milky seed into her pulsating channel.

They stayed there frozen in time for a moment as sweat trickled down his cheek and dropped onto her flushed shoulder. As his ecstasy slowly faded on his heated breath he summoned the strength to move, pulling his softening member from her oozing slit carefully. She whimpered, drained and sore, as he did so before she opened her arms up to him, inviting him to lay with her. He exhaled shakily as he lowered his head against her chest, and closed his eyes when he felt her petite arms encircle him Their breaths eventually evened out and the sound of crickets chirping from outside grew louder as they basked in their afterglow.

Moments passed before Renji's somewhat groggy voice stirred the stillness. "Thanks… for the stress relief," he muttered, "was just what I needed."

Rukia giggled, "Anytime."

Renji smiled against her skin through his weariness, "How bout… in thirty more minutes."

… … …

As daylight peeked over the horizon, Rukia found herself wrapped snuggly in the red-head's warm arms. She had only barely gained consciousness when she felt a soft kiss on the side of her neck. "Mornin'," he muttered, his voice slightly hoarse from sleep.

She sighed as she adjusted her position slightly and closed her eyes again. "Is it? I suppose I should go soon."

Renji smiled against her neck. "We still got a little while yet," he paused, "Although I wouldn't mind circulation in my arm."

She smiled but remained where she was, pouting a bit as she spoke, "but I'm comfortable."

He chuckled against her skin, "and spoiled."

She turned over to face him and pinched him nose in retaliation. "Hush, you."

"Ah!" he yelped as he pulled her hand away. "Ug, c'mon. It's too early," he pleaded.

She smiled victoriously and curled up to his chest, slinging her arm over his side, "Not too early for that tongue of yours to toss out insults."

"You weren't complainin' 'bout my tongue last night," he snickered into her hair as she snorted in aggravation. "You know, you'll make a horrible wife," he said abruptly, causing her eyes to widen slightly as she listened. "Spoiled, selfish, tiny titis, plus you can't cook worth a damn."

She sat up and grabbed the pillow, shoving it into his face with a growl. "Just where to you get off telling me I'd make a bad wife!" she yelled as she hit him a few time with the pillow just for good measure.

"Ah! Okay! Okay! I'm sorry, I surrender! Take it easy!" he yielded as he laughed at her somewhat charming antics through the muffle of the pillow.

She shoved the pillow in his face once more before she released it and turned away from him. "So rude!"

He pulled he pillow from his face and sat up beside her. He had a contented expression as he seemed unable to wipe the smile from his lips, "I tell you what," he started and she glanced at him from the corner of her eye, "You got a lot of stuff goin' against you, but I'll marry you, if you promise to wash dishes."

She elbowed him in the ribs and turned her face away from his view. "Idiot," she whispered, trying to hide her smile.

He rubbed his side where she'd hit him before he laid back down and folded his hands behind his head, "After I get reinstated, kill Aizen, and save Soul Society, I bet they'll promote me to captain. I'm gonna be pretty popular with the ladies. Plus I got that tinge of danger with the hollow and all. Girls really go for that. I'll probably be-"

"You're still on trail, you jerk! Don't make plans around something that might never come!" Rukia cried suddenly, dampening the atmosphere.

Renji could see the doubt and worry on her face. His eyes softened as he sat up again and touched her cheek with his thumb. "It will come," he said simply. "I spent all this time doubtin' myself; doubtin' I was strong enough, or that I was smart enough, that I was ever gonna have hope again…" he paused as she looked into his eyes, absorbing his words. "So long I was livin' in fear and shame, and I don't wanna live like that 'nemore. Never again. So when I say it's gonna happen… trust that I'll make it happen."

"Renji… you… you're different, aren't you?" she said softly as she touched his hand on her cheek. "You're not worried at all…"

"I need you to believe in me too, Rukia. Believe in me, and I promise I'll never falter again."

The darkness that loomed in her eyes lifted as she threw her arms around him and whispered, "I… believe."

_I believe…_

**~END**

**A/N: Well there it is, last chapter. I left a lot of stuff open, but I hope you guys can deal with that. I was originally planning to end it the previous chapter, but I think some people woulda reached through the internet and strangled me. Do let me know what you guys thought, what was your favorite parts and all that, I'd love to hear. Hope you all enjoyed my relentless torture of Renji and thanks for reading!**


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